45 minutes to write
45 minutes left on my chinatown bus trip. I was in long island and nyc for the 4th. it was a little stressy trying to get there, what with EVERYONE else wanting to bus up as Well, but I m.managed to breeze thru my class and get from georgetown to chinatown in record time. Schmitty likewise hustled, and then our bus was an hour late. buh.
thursday at christine place in LI was deliciously relaxed. friday started out with a jump in the pool, and a screwdriver. the day was overcast and a little chilly, and Schmitty threw me in the pool in my clothes, which pissed me off more than a little. the day kind of went downhill from there.
don't get me wrong, the party was great, and lulu came and brought kate, and they were so adorable and wonderful. but things have clearly been less than ideal for Schmitty and me recently, and he seemed determined to make me feel like crap that day. between the pool, not even coming to sit with me when I ask, and making snide remarks at my expense I found myself on the verge of tears in the middle of the party.
he followed me to the bathroom, where I was trying to gather myself, and asked what was wrong. I said nothing, and then he apologized for all the rotten things he'd done that day. at least he knew? or does that make it worse? he wanted to end it there, but I was just so sick of letting it go. we went to our room and I told him: I feel like he wants me to leave him. I feel like he's mean to me because he can be. im worried im staying with him because I said I would. I feel worthless and unloved in his eyes more often than I feel loved. I feel taken for granted and unconsidered when he is doing even the smallest thing. I told him I was physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted from the effort of trying to convince him he loves me and he wants to stay with me. im sick of backing out of opinions and conversations because that might be the thing that makes him decide he's better off without me. I told him I am genuinely thinking of not coming back from china, because I don't want to stay in our relationship the way it is now. I told him that if I do come back he needs to ducking decide he's with me and not just practicing, or not. and that not deciding is the same as deciding No. I told him I hadn't said any of this because I don't want him to stay with me because he's afraid he'll lose me. it all just came out so fast and oi hadn't meant for it to. I told him I love him and I've already made my choice, but I can't play that game again.
he listened to it all, and didn't immediately have anything to say. I don't think I expected him to. instead we agreed the important thing was we still love each other, and we need to start figuring out how to make each other happier more than not.
I know he's not alone in it. I know there are things I do and say that drive him nuts and make him feel bad, but at least im trying to talk about it, and openly committed to fixing it. I don't feel like I've been getting that from him.
so, after all that we went back to the party. Well, I did. he stayed in the room for a bit by himself. when he came out I couldn't gauge what conclusion he'd come to, but he spent the rest of friday, saturday and sunday being the old, loving, affectionate, considerate guy I knew him to be, so I am hopeful he found something good in it.
so, saturday was good. I got a little bitchy about heading into ny to meet up with rick, but I managed to pull that back in.
we went to see the ny neofuturists, which was Awesome. I cannot recommend this show enough. seriously. the we wandered up to common ground for drinks and boardgames till closing time. I never made it to midway, nor did I see keri, muffin, my sister or my cousins. it made me a bit sad, but what can you do?
today we three went to crepes on columbus, which was delish. then we saw Schmitty off. he is in st. louis this week on business. I don't know why but I was really sad to see him go. maybe its because usually it is me leaving? anyway, this will not be the best week ever.
as for capital one, I don't use that card often. with the whole identity theft thing, a lot of my payment things got moved around. so capital one was one of them, and the account I used to pay it was cancelled. when I tried to set up a new account they wouldn't let me, and then I forgot. and they didn't send me a reminder for my balance due until 5 days After it was due. which is a real assholey thing to do. so I am going to cash out my airmiles and cancel that account.
as for pp, my last pill was today. they won't give me an appointment till next friday. any lady out there knows why that isn't going to work out well. im going to go anyway because I need new pills, and just hope for the best.
back in dc. hope this answered some questions.
thursday at christine place in LI was deliciously relaxed. friday started out with a jump in the pool, and a screwdriver. the day was overcast and a little chilly, and Schmitty threw me in the pool in my clothes, which pissed me off more than a little. the day kind of went downhill from there.
don't get me wrong, the party was great, and lulu came and brought kate, and they were so adorable and wonderful. but things have clearly been less than ideal for Schmitty and me recently, and he seemed determined to make me feel like crap that day. between the pool, not even coming to sit with me when I ask, and making snide remarks at my expense I found myself on the verge of tears in the middle of the party.
he followed me to the bathroom, where I was trying to gather myself, and asked what was wrong. I said nothing, and then he apologized for all the rotten things he'd done that day. at least he knew? or does that make it worse? he wanted to end it there, but I was just so sick of letting it go. we went to our room and I told him: I feel like he wants me to leave him. I feel like he's mean to me because he can be. im worried im staying with him because I said I would. I feel worthless and unloved in his eyes more often than I feel loved. I feel taken for granted and unconsidered when he is doing even the smallest thing. I told him I was physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted from the effort of trying to convince him he loves me and he wants to stay with me. im sick of backing out of opinions and conversations because that might be the thing that makes him decide he's better off without me. I told him I am genuinely thinking of not coming back from china, because I don't want to stay in our relationship the way it is now. I told him that if I do come back he needs to ducking decide he's with me and not just practicing, or not. and that not deciding is the same as deciding No. I told him I hadn't said any of this because I don't want him to stay with me because he's afraid he'll lose me. it all just came out so fast and oi hadn't meant for it to. I told him I love him and I've already made my choice, but I can't play that game again.
he listened to it all, and didn't immediately have anything to say. I don't think I expected him to. instead we agreed the important thing was we still love each other, and we need to start figuring out how to make each other happier more than not.
I know he's not alone in it. I know there are things I do and say that drive him nuts and make him feel bad, but at least im trying to talk about it, and openly committed to fixing it. I don't feel like I've been getting that from him.
so, after all that we went back to the party. Well, I did. he stayed in the room for a bit by himself. when he came out I couldn't gauge what conclusion he'd come to, but he spent the rest of friday, saturday and sunday being the old, loving, affectionate, considerate guy I knew him to be, so I am hopeful he found something good in it.
so, saturday was good. I got a little bitchy about heading into ny to meet up with rick, but I managed to pull that back in.
we went to see the ny neofuturists, which was Awesome. I cannot recommend this show enough. seriously. the we wandered up to common ground for drinks and boardgames till closing time. I never made it to midway, nor did I see keri, muffin, my sister or my cousins. it made me a bit sad, but what can you do?
today we three went to crepes on columbus, which was delish. then we saw Schmitty off. he is in st. louis this week on business. I don't know why but I was really sad to see him go. maybe its because usually it is me leaving? anyway, this will not be the best week ever.
as for capital one, I don't use that card often. with the whole identity theft thing, a lot of my payment things got moved around. so capital one was one of them, and the account I used to pay it was cancelled. when I tried to set up a new account they wouldn't let me, and then I forgot. and they didn't send me a reminder for my balance due until 5 days After it was due. which is a real assholey thing to do. so I am going to cash out my airmiles and cancel that account.
as for pp, my last pill was today. they won't give me an appointment till next friday. any lady out there knows why that isn't going to work out well. im going to go anyway because I need new pills, and just hope for the best.
back in dc. hope this answered some questions.