oh what a day
man, went out to celebrate luciennes birthday yesterday. got ther e alittle bit late, and wasn't in the best of moods because of the whole "panicky" thing. but i didn't want to be a bum. ate some food, which mostly made me feel sick. drank some beer and martinis which made me feel worse.
there was this guy named francisco who Kept Touching Me. I've met him a few times before, because he's abi's friend and comes to our parties. i've had to tell him on mor ethan one occassion that i do not like him putting his hands on my hips or ass or stomach.
but last night he just WOULD NOT STOP. and he was doing it to sarah, cigdem, ana and inga too. we went to salsa caribe (a pretty big club) and he was, like, following us. first i asked him to please stop. then i said i dind't like it, please stop. then i told him i didn't like him so just go away. then i told him to get his fucking hands off me. then, when i was saying goodbye to inga, he came over and was ALL up in inga's space, and touching my ass. i physically removed his hand, and he went to put it back, and inga slapped his hand and told him to please get out of her space and leave me alone. he just smirked, adn didn't move. so inga yelled at him to back the fuck off, and he just laughed and said he didn't have to. so inga pushed him away, which made him angry. he was all yelling "what the fuck you doing placing your hands on me..." which set me off. i ripped him a new one, with my full irish fury and towering height, telling him he was a sexist pig, and we'd been telling him all night to respect us and keep his hands off us, and if he didn't back the fuck off i'd do more than push him away. i wasn't actually going to hit him, because i'd promised abi i wouldn't (but lord god did i want to. i've never actually punched someone, but i don't think i would have felt TOO bad if i'd punched him).
so, sooin see's all this happening, and inga explains why, and jeremie overhears, and apparently sooin and jeremie took on francisco and about 5 other angolan boys while cigdem, sarah and i were leaving (i wanted to leave, because i didn't want to deal with him anymore, and was feeling mad sick).
as we were walking away from the club i see abi forcibly removing him from the club, and yelling at him what sounded like it would have been "what the fuck are you doing starting all this shit, just get the fuck out". i was a little worried he'd try to chase us down and blame us for the drama, and i didn't want to resort to violence, so i just had the girls hustle their butts to a cab and got us home.
yay bar fights!
i was very sick when i got home. not just because of the booze. my stomach has been VERY tetchy the past 48 hours. feel sick now, too, but i am SICK of throwing up. i don't know if my throat is sore because i'm getting ill, or if it's because of all the damn yarking.
and, ironically, i've gained a kilo in the past three days (b/c i haven't been to the gym). only i can become an involuntary bulemic and GAIN weight.
fucking body.
i got about 5 hours of sleep today. i woke up around 12:30 because i wanted to take inga out for her birthday masssage, and we decided to give sarah a massage too, for her birthday. we wanted to go to this new place near us that advertised 68rmb massages, but when we got there it turns out that was the fee for the sauna. massage was 130, at the cheapest, and that's not including the room rental (which we didn't bother to find out)
i fucking hate how the chinese do that. they take false advertising to a new level. ugh.
so, birthday gifts were a bust. so i headed to andingmen for rehearsal, which went from 6pm to 12:30am. more about that later.
then i met up with cigdem, sarah, ana, and all of cigdems friends at kai. dom was at nanjie, and it's been awhile since i have seen him, but it's sarah's b-day so i had to make a choice. anywho, kai didn't last longer than one drink, then over to barblu for dancing. it was fun, but i was wearing a sweater and couldn't really get down. i really wasn't winning any beauty prizes today, i'll tell you that. i look like hell, mostly because i feel like it (sick, panic-y-ness, little sleep, play overwhelmingness). but it was still good fun. around the time they started playing marley and prince i decided to get my bum home, and now here i am, mostly event free (except for cigdem and yans being so on the rocks it's terribly sad)
one weird thing. i've been feeling lots of pent up energy, and just now, as i was sitting on the bed i was trying to do mental excercises to release that so i don't explode. as i was sitting on my bed, for reasons i do not understand the tv turned on. my roomate is not here. the remote is on her bed, and i dind't go near the power button. this is the second time in my life that has happened (a tv has turned on when i was feeling really strong emotions and trying to focus my energy to put it somewhere). weird.
and now, rehearsal
my actor, matt. yah. i kinda hate him. he has no respect. i spent 2 hours trying to organize the play in a way i like, he came in without doing ANY character work, or ANY story arch work, without even having Fricking ReRead the play, adn he says to me "yah. that just doesn't make sense". when i try to explain it to him he says, "no. i don't need you to explain it. i just don't think the way you're doing it makes sense"
ARGH! you don't fucking know the play, that's why. when you've got every poem memorized, then we'll talk.
i think he intentionally disagreed with me on EVERYTHING. he even changed his argument just to disagree with me.
two rehearsals down. haven't fired him yet. i should soon if i'm going to. he's a decent actor, if not a bit one dimensional, but that may be because he has no idea what the play is about or what i want from him (because he won't fucking listen). and he's missing wednesday rehearsal, and won't give me his email addy, and referred to mine and seans part of the play as petty.
urgh. now i'm getting all angry again.
should i fire him? sean was pretty appalled with his behavior, and i haven't talked with caroline yet. how do i handle him?
so, two hours of that, and then i told matt and caroline i couldn't really do much else with them until they'd actually bothered to do some kind of character work (neither of them had). which left sean and i to work on our scene. we decided to go to passby bar to get some dinner after about an hour of unfocused discussion, and then we spent an hour half telling our own life story, half creating one for the characters. my character is named ann. she's just turned 20 and a second year in college. she was a virgin before she met him, and has a very hard time trusting men because her father was a neglectant asshole who cheated and lied. the first time she met him, she had seen him in the post office, but he didn't walk up to her, so she followed him to the cafe down the road and "accidentally" spilled her drink next to him, giving her a reason to talk to him. she's a pretty clever girl, but quick to accuse and assume the worst. she is not exactly "calm". she doesn't have lots of relationship experience and isn't entirely sure what she should do in them. she's a bit neglectant.
that's my girl. that's the beginning, at least.
also, she likes old timey music.
anywho, what i learned at this rehearsal:
the very nature of the show causes us to CONSTANTLY reminice over our own past love experiences, both good and bad. it causes us to discuss the nature of them, and how things went wrong, and how different people respond to different things.
a few things i was reminded about are
1: usually, the other person has no idea there is a problem, let alone what it is.
2: not trusting the person you are with is the BIGGEST insult you can give. it means that nothing they've done or said or felt is accepted or appreciated or meaningful.
3: the splits in relationships come from not discussing what you're thinking and feeling, but ALSO come from going mad and losing sight of the stable things in the relationship (like love, trust and respect)
4: running away to protect yourself doesn't help anyone.
5: there is absolutely NO way to predict the future, and assuming you know how it's going to go is doing a great disservice to yourself and your lover. it relates back to the trust thing. you need to trust and have faith that is you can stay a good person, and stay committed to knowing and loving them, then the relationship will be ok.
so. how many of these things do you think aubri is good at?
if you guessed ZERO, you're right.
moral of the story? : Aubri Fucking Sucks at Relationships. in a hardcore kinda way.
it's one thing to realize some of the rules, it's another to actually follow them (especially when you have a voice in the back of your head shouting "it didn't work last time you tried that!" ignoring the fact you never ACTUALLY wholeheartedly tried.)
mer. i had to give the play a happy ending, because wallowing in that much misery was literally ruining me. i guess there IS still an optimist in me, afterall. also, this makes sean much happier, the little believer in love that he is.
must sleep. oye.
there was this guy named francisco who Kept Touching Me. I've met him a few times before, because he's abi's friend and comes to our parties. i've had to tell him on mor ethan one occassion that i do not like him putting his hands on my hips or ass or stomach.
but last night he just WOULD NOT STOP. and he was doing it to sarah, cigdem, ana and inga too. we went to salsa caribe (a pretty big club) and he was, like, following us. first i asked him to please stop. then i said i dind't like it, please stop. then i told him i didn't like him so just go away. then i told him to get his fucking hands off me. then, when i was saying goodbye to inga, he came over and was ALL up in inga's space, and touching my ass. i physically removed his hand, and he went to put it back, and inga slapped his hand and told him to please get out of her space and leave me alone. he just smirked, adn didn't move. so inga yelled at him to back the fuck off, and he just laughed and said he didn't have to. so inga pushed him away, which made him angry. he was all yelling "what the fuck you doing placing your hands on me..." which set me off. i ripped him a new one, with my full irish fury and towering height, telling him he was a sexist pig, and we'd been telling him all night to respect us and keep his hands off us, and if he didn't back the fuck off i'd do more than push him away. i wasn't actually going to hit him, because i'd promised abi i wouldn't (but lord god did i want to. i've never actually punched someone, but i don't think i would have felt TOO bad if i'd punched him).
so, sooin see's all this happening, and inga explains why, and jeremie overhears, and apparently sooin and jeremie took on francisco and about 5 other angolan boys while cigdem, sarah and i were leaving (i wanted to leave, because i didn't want to deal with him anymore, and was feeling mad sick).
as we were walking away from the club i see abi forcibly removing him from the club, and yelling at him what sounded like it would have been "what the fuck are you doing starting all this shit, just get the fuck out". i was a little worried he'd try to chase us down and blame us for the drama, and i didn't want to resort to violence, so i just had the girls hustle their butts to a cab and got us home.
yay bar fights!
i was very sick when i got home. not just because of the booze. my stomach has been VERY tetchy the past 48 hours. feel sick now, too, but i am SICK of throwing up. i don't know if my throat is sore because i'm getting ill, or if it's because of all the damn yarking.
and, ironically, i've gained a kilo in the past three days (b/c i haven't been to the gym). only i can become an involuntary bulemic and GAIN weight.
fucking body.
i got about 5 hours of sleep today. i woke up around 12:30 because i wanted to take inga out for her birthday masssage, and we decided to give sarah a massage too, for her birthday. we wanted to go to this new place near us that advertised 68rmb massages, but when we got there it turns out that was the fee for the sauna. massage was 130, at the cheapest, and that's not including the room rental (which we didn't bother to find out)
i fucking hate how the chinese do that. they take false advertising to a new level. ugh.
so, birthday gifts were a bust. so i headed to andingmen for rehearsal, which went from 6pm to 12:30am. more about that later.
then i met up with cigdem, sarah, ana, and all of cigdems friends at kai. dom was at nanjie, and it's been awhile since i have seen him, but it's sarah's b-day so i had to make a choice. anywho, kai didn't last longer than one drink, then over to barblu for dancing. it was fun, but i was wearing a sweater and couldn't really get down. i really wasn't winning any beauty prizes today, i'll tell you that. i look like hell, mostly because i feel like it (sick, panic-y-ness, little sleep, play overwhelmingness). but it was still good fun. around the time they started playing marley and prince i decided to get my bum home, and now here i am, mostly event free (except for cigdem and yans being so on the rocks it's terribly sad)
one weird thing. i've been feeling lots of pent up energy, and just now, as i was sitting on the bed i was trying to do mental excercises to release that so i don't explode. as i was sitting on my bed, for reasons i do not understand the tv turned on. my roomate is not here. the remote is on her bed, and i dind't go near the power button. this is the second time in my life that has happened (a tv has turned on when i was feeling really strong emotions and trying to focus my energy to put it somewhere). weird.
and now, rehearsal
my actor, matt. yah. i kinda hate him. he has no respect. i spent 2 hours trying to organize the play in a way i like, he came in without doing ANY character work, or ANY story arch work, without even having Fricking ReRead the play, adn he says to me "yah. that just doesn't make sense". when i try to explain it to him he says, "no. i don't need you to explain it. i just don't think the way you're doing it makes sense"
ARGH! you don't fucking know the play, that's why. when you've got every poem memorized, then we'll talk.
i think he intentionally disagreed with me on EVERYTHING. he even changed his argument just to disagree with me.
two rehearsals down. haven't fired him yet. i should soon if i'm going to. he's a decent actor, if not a bit one dimensional, but that may be because he has no idea what the play is about or what i want from him (because he won't fucking listen). and he's missing wednesday rehearsal, and won't give me his email addy, and referred to mine and seans part of the play as petty.
urgh. now i'm getting all angry again.
should i fire him? sean was pretty appalled with his behavior, and i haven't talked with caroline yet. how do i handle him?
so, two hours of that, and then i told matt and caroline i couldn't really do much else with them until they'd actually bothered to do some kind of character work (neither of them had). which left sean and i to work on our scene. we decided to go to passby bar to get some dinner after about an hour of unfocused discussion, and then we spent an hour half telling our own life story, half creating one for the characters. my character is named ann. she's just turned 20 and a second year in college. she was a virgin before she met him, and has a very hard time trusting men because her father was a neglectant asshole who cheated and lied. the first time she met him, she had seen him in the post office, but he didn't walk up to her, so she followed him to the cafe down the road and "accidentally" spilled her drink next to him, giving her a reason to talk to him. she's a pretty clever girl, but quick to accuse and assume the worst. she is not exactly "calm". she doesn't have lots of relationship experience and isn't entirely sure what she should do in them. she's a bit neglectant.
that's my girl. that's the beginning, at least.
also, she likes old timey music.
anywho, what i learned at this rehearsal:
the very nature of the show causes us to CONSTANTLY reminice over our own past love experiences, both good and bad. it causes us to discuss the nature of them, and how things went wrong, and how different people respond to different things.
a few things i was reminded about are
1: usually, the other person has no idea there is a problem, let alone what it is.
2: not trusting the person you are with is the BIGGEST insult you can give. it means that nothing they've done or said or felt is accepted or appreciated or meaningful.
3: the splits in relationships come from not discussing what you're thinking and feeling, but ALSO come from going mad and losing sight of the stable things in the relationship (like love, trust and respect)
4: running away to protect yourself doesn't help anyone.
5: there is absolutely NO way to predict the future, and assuming you know how it's going to go is doing a great disservice to yourself and your lover. it relates back to the trust thing. you need to trust and have faith that is you can stay a good person, and stay committed to knowing and loving them, then the relationship will be ok.
so. how many of these things do you think aubri is good at?
if you guessed ZERO, you're right.
moral of the story? : Aubri Fucking Sucks at Relationships. in a hardcore kinda way.
it's one thing to realize some of the rules, it's another to actually follow them (especially when you have a voice in the back of your head shouting "it didn't work last time you tried that!" ignoring the fact you never ACTUALLY wholeheartedly tried.)
mer. i had to give the play a happy ending, because wallowing in that much misery was literally ruining me. i guess there IS still an optimist in me, afterall. also, this makes sean much happier, the little believer in love that he is.
must sleep. oye.