Psychically Constipated
I'm feeling all over the place lately. Unsettled somehow. Taking long walks helps in that my mind is mostly quiet and my body is moving. Yoga helps for the same reason, and the stretching helps to relax me in a way walking doesn't. I'm glad I kept going to the Moms and Babies yoga - it's getting better for both Tai and I, and they're even thinking of adding a second class. I'm not overly anxious or depressed, so that's a plus. (And also thank god.)
I'm just feeling a bit lost in terms of my spirituality.
I have this feeling that Mary is calling me. Especially in her aspect as Mother as well as a link to divinity. Or maybe I'm longing for a Mother Goddess. I don't know. But I have this feeling that being a mother has changed me on a spiritual level and I'm not sure what that means or how to express it, even to myself. Maybe it's just that having a baby has been such a huge, all encompassing, life-changing experience for me. And there's a part of me that feels open that never did before. I'm feeling more and more the need for community.
It's surprisingly hard to put all of this into words. I feel like I'm groping after words to describe what's going on in my heart, and I'm not quite getting it right.
Part of me is considering going back to the Episcopal church because it's easy. I don't have to worry about not being one-of in the same way. I was born Christian (in name, anyway) so I don't have to convert. I don't feel so much like an outsider there. But there's that pesky matter of Jesus. I don't feel any connection to him whatsoever. I never have, even when I was going to church every week. I don't believe he was God's only son. I don't know about the resurrection. But since Jesus is what makes Christianity *Christ*ianity, I suppose it's not so wise for me to go back. I don't know... I'm lost.
The whole membership fees situation at the synagogue really left me feeling shut out and hurt and maybe angry. I've been ignoring the feeling and avoiding going back and that's not helping my confusion.
I could use some spiritual direction, but I have no clue where to look for that. Especially since I can't even seem to figure out what I am, religion-wise. I just know I want to be a part of a religious community, all of us walking the path to God together. I could probably talk to Wendy, but for some reason I feel like spirituality isn't supposed to be a part of therapy. I'm not sure why - after all, I talk about everything else... sex, family, Tom, Mom, friends, my career (or lack thereof). Maybe I'll bring it up next week.
And I'm all over the place in terms of my writing. Of course the main problem, as usual, is getting my ass in the chair. I can't blame Tai - even when I have a minute I procrastinate (both non-productively - online and in front of the TV with Tom - and productively - by doing laundry, cleaning up the back yard and trying to learn to sew. And journalling too, I suppose). Even when I do finally plant my butt, I feel completely stuck. I don't know what to write or how. I can't seem to relax enough to write a crappy first draft. It's like being psychically constipated. There are words, ideas, scenes... but nothing comes out onto paper.
What I need to do (with both writing and spirituality) is just get started. Put pen to page. Go to some religious services. Join communities. And hopefully I'll figure it out as I go.
I'm just feeling a bit lost in terms of my spirituality.
I have this feeling that Mary is calling me. Especially in her aspect as Mother as well as a link to divinity. Or maybe I'm longing for a Mother Goddess. I don't know. But I have this feeling that being a mother has changed me on a spiritual level and I'm not sure what that means or how to express it, even to myself. Maybe it's just that having a baby has been such a huge, all encompassing, life-changing experience for me. And there's a part of me that feels open that never did before. I'm feeling more and more the need for community.
It's surprisingly hard to put all of this into words. I feel like I'm groping after words to describe what's going on in my heart, and I'm not quite getting it right.
Part of me is considering going back to the Episcopal church because it's easy. I don't have to worry about not being one-of in the same way. I was born Christian (in name, anyway) so I don't have to convert. I don't feel so much like an outsider there. But there's that pesky matter of Jesus. I don't feel any connection to him whatsoever. I never have, even when I was going to church every week. I don't believe he was God's only son. I don't know about the resurrection. But since Jesus is what makes Christianity *Christ*ianity, I suppose it's not so wise for me to go back. I don't know... I'm lost.
The whole membership fees situation at the synagogue really left me feeling shut out and hurt and maybe angry. I've been ignoring the feeling and avoiding going back and that's not helping my confusion.
I could use some spiritual direction, but I have no clue where to look for that. Especially since I can't even seem to figure out what I am, religion-wise. I just know I want to be a part of a religious community, all of us walking the path to God together. I could probably talk to Wendy, but for some reason I feel like spirituality isn't supposed to be a part of therapy. I'm not sure why - after all, I talk about everything else... sex, family, Tom, Mom, friends, my career (or lack thereof). Maybe I'll bring it up next week.
And I'm all over the place in terms of my writing. Of course the main problem, as usual, is getting my ass in the chair. I can't blame Tai - even when I have a minute I procrastinate (both non-productively - online and in front of the TV with Tom - and productively - by doing laundry, cleaning up the back yard and trying to learn to sew. And journalling too, I suppose). Even when I do finally plant my butt, I feel completely stuck. I don't know what to write or how. I can't seem to relax enough to write a crappy first draft. It's like being psychically constipated. There are words, ideas, scenes... but nothing comes out onto paper.
What I need to do (with both writing and spirituality) is just get started. Put pen to page. Go to some religious services. Join communities. And hopefully I'll figure it out as I go.