How I really feel (written once and never looked back on)
First, does anyone have a huge bottle of FUCK-IT-ALL? I need it. I am trying not to fly off the handle. I think that once someone gets pushed down enough times they begin to loose feeling. There is sort of a spriritual asphyxiation when the pressure gets too heavy. Some call it going crazy or cracking. I call it choking. But right now I am in the calm before the storm. Odysseus had it easy with Poseidon. This time I might not ever land on dry ground again.
Ridiculous things are what make up my life. None of it makes any sense, and what's worse is that no one said it has to. Everything about my situation is uncontrollable save one thing...just me. Me. Just let that soak in for a little bit. Only two letters, and what those two measly letters represent is even more insignificant. Me. Me against the world I live in. At-war. Me. That's all I have. I can only really control just one person. I need an army! Not just me.
I am not alone, but I must deal with myself alone. Certain things are done alone. What I have to do is up to me. Advice, thought, wisdom all falls without action. No one will do it for me, and I barely (a huge fucking understatement) want to do it myself. So I control me, and I must control the only controllable thing I have in the world by myself? Hmmmmm.....Maybe maybe not. But if I didn't have influences (which I do) then I would make all my decisions in a vacuum of no influences; or put simply alone. What parts of myself must I deal with alone? Well...The facts are as follows:
I owe $600 per month in child support
I need $12,000 to finish my degree. I already have $38,000.
I need to find any job that will pay consistently and earn $36,000-40,000.
My family can't be counted on for support.
All that I am really qualified for in business is low entry level work, and fucking sales.
I have a child.
I have no vision of the future.
The things that I do want in my life are so far away.
My heart is breaking.
My mind is fading.
My bank account is draining.
My hope is being squeezed.
And I just want to lay down and take it.
This is the truth. My perspective lets me put make up on the things I am facing. But these things are what everything is really reduced to right now. Thinking positively on such infertile grounds is not realistic. I am smart enough to know when to hold value to something. This place I am in has none.
Yeah I get depressed. Yes I get angry. I get terrified and distracted. These things unfortunately just happen. I can not really expect myself to not be this way given what has been done. So I can't even control how I feel all the time. How primal.
I don't know if this is some form of complaining or not. These are just my thoughts. I need to get them out. It is certainly not good news, but its what I have. So take what I say with whatever amount of salt you wish. I don't care. I have no time to waste. I am on the run trying to find some place safe to go. I need to get on.
I need to keep open everywhere; because there is no telling what I will have to do to get by. Adventure? No it's a real live-on-earth hell. I can't settle down. I will be on my toes forever it seems. Shit...what an interesting life. I am just sorry it had to be mine. There, humor...I tried.
Will everything turn out ok in the end? I don't know. All I do know is that there has never been anyting like a guarantee. That bothers me a little.
Ridiculous things are what make up my life. None of it makes any sense, and what's worse is that no one said it has to. Everything about my situation is uncontrollable save one thing...just me. Me. Just let that soak in for a little bit. Only two letters, and what those two measly letters represent is even more insignificant. Me. Me against the world I live in. At-war. Me. That's all I have. I can only really control just one person. I need an army! Not just me.
I am not alone, but I must deal with myself alone. Certain things are done alone. What I have to do is up to me. Advice, thought, wisdom all falls without action. No one will do it for me, and I barely (a huge fucking understatement) want to do it myself. So I control me, and I must control the only controllable thing I have in the world by myself? Hmmmmm.....Maybe maybe not. But if I didn't have influences (which I do) then I would make all my decisions in a vacuum of no influences; or put simply alone. What parts of myself must I deal with alone? Well...The facts are as follows:
I owe $600 per month in child support
I need $12,000 to finish my degree. I already have $38,000.
I need to find any job that will pay consistently and earn $36,000-40,000.
My family can't be counted on for support.
All that I am really qualified for in business is low entry level work, and fucking sales.
I have a child.
I have no vision of the future.
The things that I do want in my life are so far away.
My heart is breaking.
My mind is fading.
My bank account is draining.
My hope is being squeezed.
And I just want to lay down and take it.
This is the truth. My perspective lets me put make up on the things I am facing. But these things are what everything is really reduced to right now. Thinking positively on such infertile grounds is not realistic. I am smart enough to know when to hold value to something. This place I am in has none.
Yeah I get depressed. Yes I get angry. I get terrified and distracted. These things unfortunately just happen. I can not really expect myself to not be this way given what has been done. So I can't even control how I feel all the time. How primal.
I don't know if this is some form of complaining or not. These are just my thoughts. I need to get them out. It is certainly not good news, but its what I have. So take what I say with whatever amount of salt you wish. I don't care. I have no time to waste. I am on the run trying to find some place safe to go. I need to get on.
I need to keep open everywhere; because there is no telling what I will have to do to get by. Adventure? No it's a real live-on-earth hell. I can't settle down. I will be on my toes forever it seems. Shit...what an interesting life. I am just sorry it had to be mine. There, humor...I tried.
Will everything turn out ok in the end? I don't know. All I do know is that there has never been anyting like a guarantee. That bothers me a little.