(no subject)
private | voice | unhackable
I'd talk to you about this directly, but you don't trust me. ... Or you're disappointed in me, which feels worse. If it was a lack of trust, then maybe I'd be able to do something. Quickly. I could fix things. But I don't know that I can.
The thing is, Cordelia, I don't know that I can fix anything right now.
I spoke to Jenny Calendar-before that curse. And I asked her to not forgive me until I proved myself. I wanted to have the chance to try, maybe to help her, or prove that her attempts to bring back my soul that time weren't in vain. Her research gave Willow the information to help that time and another time, and because of it, I ... I'm able to be here now. She died so I could become a Champion. So you could come to believe in me. I guess ... some part of me wanted to prove that I wasn't that monster. Even after ... after Angelus, I wanted to believe in your words, because I needed to.
Jenny Calendar's gone now. She's been gone for enough days to lead me to believe she isn't coming back. I check the Hall all the time, and this time, I didn't think to come back and announce anything. She's definitely gone. She was ... so sure, she could stop things from escalating that weekend. And all she ended up feeling was the same thing again. It was the same crime, but with less ...
[there's a pause]
Now, she's gone. Now, she doesn't have the second chance she deserves. She doesn't get more time with Giles. I want to believe she was here to say good-bye to him finally, but I don't know. They could have had time. And here, it's not stolen, it's fair. That's how it's gotta be. But-
[there's another pause, where there's the sound of him putting down the device and taking a break. it lasts for a minute or two before he picks it back up]
There are other things to worry about. Whether Jamie will be okay, whether Buffy will still be restless, whether Illyria will come back and try to break time here. They're ... problems, real problems, and it isn't right to feel selfish. I admit, I wanted to prove something to her. But how do you make a woman see that her death meant something? You can't. Because it didn't, because it shouldn't have happened. There isn't a solution to this, just like there are never easy solutions. Sometimes, there aren't any solutions. The Deities offer solutions that act like solutions, deals and ideas, and if I could offer my life for her to come back here with a beating heart, I would-but would that be the right solution? Would she return home with that heart intact? I think I'd do it for you, too, if I could. Or anyone.
Would you be proud of me for trying, or disappointed?
You'll notice that ... I'm not mentioning the other thing. I'm still working on that. For now, I'm ...
I'm sorry, Cordelia.
I might let you listen, anyway.
[another lengthy pause, as if he's trying to decide what to say next]
I'm lucky to have you here.
[his finger finds the button and taps it into the off position]
end filter
Jenny Calendar has left the City. She left several days ago, and has been confirmed absent since then.
I'm sorry.
[ooc: since I will inevitably forget: this will be open to Cordelia in two days' time. also, if anyone responds to the little blurb at the end, I'll be back to reply in a couple hours. naptime.]
I'd talk to you about this directly, but you don't trust me. ... Or you're disappointed in me, which feels worse. If it was a lack of trust, then maybe I'd be able to do something. Quickly. I could fix things. But I don't know that I can.
The thing is, Cordelia, I don't know that I can fix anything right now.
I spoke to Jenny Calendar-before that curse. And I asked her to not forgive me until I proved myself. I wanted to have the chance to try, maybe to help her, or prove that her attempts to bring back my soul that time weren't in vain. Her research gave Willow the information to help that time and another time, and because of it, I ... I'm able to be here now. She died so I could become a Champion. So you could come to believe in me. I guess ... some part of me wanted to prove that I wasn't that monster. Even after ... after Angelus, I wanted to believe in your words, because I needed to.
Jenny Calendar's gone now. She's been gone for enough days to lead me to believe she isn't coming back. I check the Hall all the time, and this time, I didn't think to come back and announce anything. She's definitely gone. She was ... so sure, she could stop things from escalating that weekend. And all she ended up feeling was the same thing again. It was the same crime, but with less ...
[there's a pause]
Now, she's gone. Now, she doesn't have the second chance she deserves. She doesn't get more time with Giles. I want to believe she was here to say good-bye to him finally, but I don't know. They could have had time. And here, it's not stolen, it's fair. That's how it's gotta be. But-
[there's another pause, where there's the sound of him putting down the device and taking a break. it lasts for a minute or two before he picks it back up]
There are other things to worry about. Whether Jamie will be okay, whether Buffy will still be restless, whether Illyria will come back and try to break time here. They're ... problems, real problems, and it isn't right to feel selfish. I admit, I wanted to prove something to her. But how do you make a woman see that her death meant something? You can't. Because it didn't, because it shouldn't have happened. There isn't a solution to this, just like there are never easy solutions. Sometimes, there aren't any solutions. The Deities offer solutions that act like solutions, deals and ideas, and if I could offer my life for her to come back here with a beating heart, I would-but would that be the right solution? Would she return home with that heart intact? I think I'd do it for you, too, if I could. Or anyone.
Would you be proud of me for trying, or disappointed?
You'll notice that ... I'm not mentioning the other thing. I'm still working on that. For now, I'm ...
I'm sorry, Cordelia.
I might let you listen, anyway.
[another lengthy pause, as if he's trying to decide what to say next]
I'm lucky to have you here.
[his finger finds the button and taps it into the off position]
end filter
Jenny Calendar has left the City. She left several days ago, and has been confirmed absent since then.
I'm sorry.
[ooc: since I will inevitably forget: this will be open to Cordelia in two days' time. also, if anyone responds to the little blurb at the end, I'll be back to reply in a couple hours. naptime.]