(no subject)
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Nine Inch Nails - Hurt
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
o/~
Metallica - Some kind of Monster
These are the eyes that can't see me
These are the hands that drop your trust
These are the boots that kick you around
This is the tongue that speaks on ths inside
These are the ears that ring with hate
This is the face that'll never change
This is the fist that grinds you down
This is the voice of silence no more
These are the legs in circles run
This is the beating you'll never know
These are the lips that taste no freedom
This is the feel that's not so safe
This is the face that you'll never change
This is the god that ain't so pure
This is the god that is not pure
This is the voice of silence no more
We the people
Are we the people?
Some kind of monster
This monster lives
This is the face that stones you cold
This is the moment that needs to breathe
These are the claws that scratch these wounds
This is the pain that never leaves
This is the tongue that whips you down
This is the burden of every man
These are the screams that pierce your skin
This is the voice of silence no more
This is the test of flesh and soul
This is the trap that smells so good
This is the flood that drains these eyes
These are the looks that chill to the bone
These are the fears that swing over head
These are the weights that hold you down
This is the end that will never end
This is the voice of silence no more
We the people
Are we the people?
Some kind of monster
This monster lives
This is the cloud that swallows trust
This is the black that uncolors us
This is the face that you hide from
This is the mask that comes undone
Ominous
I'm in us
o/~
Metallica - Shoot Me Again
I won't go away
Right here I'll stay
Stand silent in flames
Stand tall 'till it fades
Shoot me again
I ain't dead yet
Shoot me again
All the shots I take
I spit back at you
All the shit you fake
Comes back to haunt you
All the shots
All the shots I take
What difference did I make?
All the shots I take
I spit back at you
I won't go away, with a bullet in my back
Right here I'll stay, with a bullet in my back
Shoot me
Take a shot
I'll stand on my own, with a bullet in my back
I'm stranded and sold, with a bullet in my back
I bite my tongue
Trying not to shoot back
No compromise
My heart won't pump the other way
Wake the sleeping giant
Wake the beast
Wake the sleeping dog
No, let him sleep
o/~
Metallica - The Unnamed Feeling
Been here before
Been here before couldn't say I liked it
Do I start writing all this down?
Just let me plug you into my world
Can't you help me be uncrazy?
Name this for me, heat the cold air
Take the chill off of my life
And if I could I'd turn my eyes
To look inside to see what's comin'
It comes alive
And I die a little more
It comes alive
Each momnent here I die a little more
Then the unnamed feeling
It comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
Takes me away
I'm frantic in your soothing arms
I can not sleep in this down filled world
I've found safety in this loneliness
But I cannot stand it anymore
Cross my heart and hope not to die
Swallow evil, ride the sky
Lose myself in a crowded room
You fool, you fool, it will be here soon
It comes alive
And I die a little more
It comes alive
Each moment here I die a little more
Then the unnamed feeling
It comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
Treats me this way
And I wait for this train
Toes over the line
And then the unnamed feeling
Takes me away
Get the fuck out of here
I just wanna get the fuck away from me
I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate
It hate it all, why? Why? Why me?
I cannot sleep wth a head like this
I wanna cry, I wanna scream
I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate
I wanna hate it all away
o/~
It's funny really the way that things go. They go from one experience through to the next.
Of those songs I find Hurt harder to handle than the others. It's hard to really listen
to / take seriously Hurt.. it's like I want to skip straight past it...
But as I listened to the whole song, I started to find my memory of past hurts coming back..
Which can be quite a scary thing for me. I've got the least emotional control when I feel
hurt, of any emotion ..
It's like "What the fuck am I meant to do with this?"
What I get from Hurt is that gut-wrenching feeling of losing sanity. That feeling of things
getting out of control .. out of hand. Of wanting to smash things. It reminds me of childhood
when I used to punch holes in walls. It's that feeling that I just want to get rid of through
anything or everything. It reminds me of when I used to suddenly change tracks, and get louder
and I could sometimes feel a disturbance in my environment. It seemed to be ringing with a
strange timbre...
Now, for some strange reason I've been feeling a lot clearer since I woke this morning, although
I just want to get things worked out. A lot of these songs actually resonate reasonably strongly
with me..
"I wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here"
That passage from Hurt kind of reminds me of the chaotic feeling I get sometimes. It makes it hard
to think / see clearly. And it gives me a kind of mental paranoia.
And...
"These are the eyes that can't see me
These are the hands that drop your trust
These are the boots that kick you around
This is the tongue that speaks on ths inside
These are the ears that ring with hate
This is the face that'll never change
This is the fist that grinds you down
This is the voice of silence no more"
That passage from Some kind of Monster reminds me of that pressured feeling of trying to "put things
right" and yet feeling like I need to .. or I have already broken free of ties to anything that could
hurt me ..
When I feel more animal-like, I can't really see myself, or other people. I get this feeling in my legs
like I want ot kick things, and I get a lot of energy going up to my tongue, and yet don't actually know
what I'm saying ... and my ears do ring. Although hate isn't quite as much of it as change - it's more
like an emotional charge - sometimes it's not really that hateful. Maybe more spiteful, and malicious
But then through that - comes down to -
The face that won't change - I can get pretty locked facial expressions. And grinding people down, well
I kind of rationalise it to, I want people to "come up"
But the voice of silence no more - well sometimes I get a charge - a load, from various things, and feel
the need to break any ice .. because otherwise they'll just simmer there getting in the way again and
again..
"Cross my heart and hope not to die
Swallow evil, ride the sky
Lose myself in a crowded room
You fool, you fool, it will be here soon
It comes alive
And I die a little more
It comes alive
Each moment here I die a little more
Then the unnamed feeling
It comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
Treats me this way
And I wait for this train
Toes over the line
And then the unnamed feeling
Takes me away
Get the fuck out of here
I just wanna get the fuck away from me
I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate
It hate it all, why? Why? Why me?
I cannot sleep wth a head like this
I wanna cry, I wanna scream
I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate
I wanna hate it all away"
And this reminds me of that feeling of starting to losing control. And rising to the challenge that seems
to be the internal feeling of "not being able to take it anymore". I feel myself starting to break, and I
know it's coming ...
And my senses start to heighten, and I burst with energy. And then it goes unto that whole hurt thingy...
"Get the fuck out of here" - relates back to the whole punching walls thing - it's like "The wall is to blame;
fuck you wall. You're going to break" (with a catch back of the wall should have been stronger)
It's like my internal senses are fucked, and I need to push things externally.
And this feeling of hatred overwhelms me. I kind of feel this downpouring from my forehead. And this feeling
of needing to breathe. And yet there's these emotional charges in me that need to be let out - before I can
breathe. I can't hold back without feeling like I'm going to die. It's like the internal load is too much to
take..
And then I simplify things by trying to hate everything.
Thing is..
Remembering these things can be bad. Because it can mean that they can become more accessible to me. Usually
there's quite a distance. And so I can feel secure/safe. But as the distance lessens, so does my sense of
inner control...
And as that happens, I start to remember back to childhood experiences of being hurt, losing control, et cetera,
and multiple experiences seem to come together to form an incredible increase in energy. It wouldn't be so bad
if it didn't lead to memory blackouts.
Sometimes I remember my childhood attitudes, and the way I used to fuck people around. I rationalised it away
easily enough. It's like "If you hurt me, then I will hurt you. If you don't hurt me, I won't hurt you. If I
hurt you, that means that you could have hurt me. And thus it means that I have to hurt you before you hurt me
so as to protect myself."
But for some reason I was always to blame. Yet again. Like if someone pissed me off, and I overreacted, then I
was somehow at fault for reacting. Mind you I did seem to attract a pseudonym in school of psycho because of my
anger management issues.
Really, though.. Shoot me Again .. matches more like what most of my youth attitudes were like .. I'd try to just
take everything. And sometimes there'd be small moments of doubt - but I'd quickly move on to the next piece of
the puzzle. And sometimes I'd hold my tongue back. But I wouldn't really want to compromise. And so I'd just
keep going with what I felt was right, even if the odds seemed to be stacked against me.
This gave me a realistic feeling of stability. As I didn't have to deal with all the ramifications of insecurity
or doubt creeping into reality. But sometimes it pumped me up a little too much. And I became excessively
forceful. And that's when things would start to go downhill.