(no subject)
I'm lost in a sea of decisions and fear. Crying about it isn't helping, yet it's the only thing I'm doing right now.
Moving on is so hard when you were so comfortable from where you are moving from. Life... right now apparently, I'm not allowed to live it for me and everyone around me is letting me know how much more they know me than I know myself. I'm so afraid of next month... will my healthcare stop? Will I have no time for myself or the little friends I do have working and going to school? Life crashes on me if I have no time to just do nothing, I get stressed out and I get sad and I can't find the motivation to do anything at all when life gets that way. Oh yea, I made an appointment for Centre High today. I should be fine with it but somehow I feel as though I signed my soul to the devil. I can't make decisions... It is so hard for me to do that, even moreso now that some of them might affect me for the rest of my godforsaken life. I'm always the one who screws up, I don't know how to do anything... savings accounts, insurance, drivers licenses, COOKING... I'm so clueless when it comes to anything important. I talked to an answering machine today for 20 seconds before I realized they put me on hold.. I'm so afraid of failure that it makes me sick. And I'm so stubborn that I know I'm going to fail.
I don't want to work in an office, I don't want to work in a super formal place or somewhere where I will absolutely hate it with all of my being, but my mom tells me that she worries about me because I have no aspirations or anything to fall back on.
The only thing in my life that I want to do is perform. I want to sing, I want to play guitar, I want to do something that I love more than anything. But how realistic is that. Maybe they are stupid pipedreams... maybe I should forget about it, clearly it's never going to happen no matter how hard I try. Singing in a coffee shop doesn't pay all the bills I guess.
I'm not ready for this yet... but I have no choice but to jump in head first because if I don't do it myself, then my whole family will do it for me. I hate this.
Moving on is so hard when you were so comfortable from where you are moving from. Life... right now apparently, I'm not allowed to live it for me and everyone around me is letting me know how much more they know me than I know myself. I'm so afraid of next month... will my healthcare stop? Will I have no time for myself or the little friends I do have working and going to school? Life crashes on me if I have no time to just do nothing, I get stressed out and I get sad and I can't find the motivation to do anything at all when life gets that way. Oh yea, I made an appointment for Centre High today. I should be fine with it but somehow I feel as though I signed my soul to the devil. I can't make decisions... It is so hard for me to do that, even moreso now that some of them might affect me for the rest of my godforsaken life. I'm always the one who screws up, I don't know how to do anything... savings accounts, insurance, drivers licenses, COOKING... I'm so clueless when it comes to anything important. I talked to an answering machine today for 20 seconds before I realized they put me on hold.. I'm so afraid of failure that it makes me sick. And I'm so stubborn that I know I'm going to fail.
I don't want to work in an office, I don't want to work in a super formal place or somewhere where I will absolutely hate it with all of my being, but my mom tells me that she worries about me because I have no aspirations or anything to fall back on.
The only thing in my life that I want to do is perform. I want to sing, I want to play guitar, I want to do something that I love more than anything. But how realistic is that. Maybe they are stupid pipedreams... maybe I should forget about it, clearly it's never going to happen no matter how hard I try. Singing in a coffee shop doesn't pay all the bills I guess.
I'm not ready for this yet... but I have no choice but to jump in head first because if I don't do it myself, then my whole family will do it for me. I hate this.