thought process
i find myself at a weird and difficult crossroad. we've already been dating for almost a year and it's been a very hard one at that. i've lost a lot of respect for my upbringing and just my thought processes and how they've evolved. i don't like who i am. i don't like my life. it's got very few positive factors. can't really wrap my mind around how quick it's done a full 180. growing up in the world of romance. love ruled all. you find that person and you get married and sex is the most magical thing in the world. can't even begin to describe how much of a lie that is. sex is just a thing to do these days (although, i haven't had it in about 2 months. is it weird that my desire for it is decreasing?). my motivation's sort of gone completely out of the window. the band doesn't even do it for me these days. working out is a momentary escape but will eventually pay off. the crossroad i previously mentioned is about her though. i loved her. i know i did. but do i now? it started a downhill descent in october and hasn't stopped other than a couple bumps in the road. does she even love me anymore? we're heading over tomorrow to get the cell phone bill split again. i suppose it's a good thing. will save both of us money. don't know so many things and it's gotten to me much more than i'd hoped it would. for a while i turned extremely bitter, jealous, and depressed. didn't eat or sleep barely at all. luckily that's turned back to normal.....for the most part. still waking at awkward times. can't seem to get my third eye open to become more receptive to the other side of the reiki. communication and psychometry are so interesting but i can't quite seem to get it. it doesn't make sense because i can feel the energy. it's always present in my hands or feet. hoping for the day that my third eye becomes aware to arrive. is there any hope for us? i don't want to say bye but it only seems like the most helpful thing to do. she's not happy, i'm not happy, and we're not helping each other to be better in that area. it's tough when everything you've learned in life is a lie. it all proves useless in today's world. i'm trying to change. trying to be more cold to the world instead of being a pushover. i don't want to be that nice guy anymore. i've only been hurt from it. only makes sense to kill that side of me. i've seen the happiness that the people i've despised all my life get to feel. maybe it's time to plan out a big change. i have the starting steps planned out. just gotta save money. gotta get outta here. gotta get away....