(no subject)
i haven't seen people smiling on public transport since, a few years ago, i made it my purpose to not smile. i saw a woman smiling yesterday, on the tram, about 6:00pm. i started wondering what the fuck she was smiling for, because who smiles anymore? i immediately concluded that she must be going home to a significant other, and started lamenting about how i don't have one.
i can't believe i even thought that.
i remind myself of s. how you're automatically happy if all the little boxes are filled; work/uni, friends, family, girl/boyfriend. picket fences. and how you couldn't possibly be happy if somewhere was lacking.
we have this conversation a lot, only i'm not sure whether we've actually had it, or whether it's always been in my head. i'm starting to lose track of these things. real and imagined. it's going to get me into trouble soon.
and then on the phone last night, he asked me whether i knew what goes on at the howard florey institute. well, many things. office romances, pencil sharpening, people drinking nescafé because offices and institutes only have instant coffee. cancer research, things like that, why? i said.
'they cut live animals up! they like.. cut live animals!'
'yes. cancer research. i'm not surprised..'
which is a lie. i'm surprised, but at the fact that he found it surprising.
'but on live animals! did you know this? i mean.. did you know this happens?'
'animal testing? um. ..yes.'
'tell me more about it! it's called vivisection, you know'
'yes. pretty much all cosmetics, shampoos, pharmaceuticals, everything, is tested on animals at some point..'
'ON LIVE ANIMALS?'
'...YES! what, you didn't.. know?'
'well, fuck! isn't it.. kinda.. cruel?'
what the fuck am i supposed to say. there are people like this right under my fucking nose. i don't understand a lot of things in this world, and this is one of them.
it happens when you don't know when you don't do anything, care about anything, flip the newspaper straight over to the sports section before glancing at some horror or other on the front page. it angers me. i can't understand how i went out with this person and put up with varying degrees of utter ignorance and apathy towards everything i feel passionate about.
we argued about how we never talked about politics.
about how i didn't tell him things.
it's something about preservation and denial, my darling.
and i can't talk to you anymore. i fucking give up.
it has taken me a while, but i now know myself, that no relationship is better than one that doesn't matter. people tell you things, but they don't mean anything until you work them out for yourself. so now, i'm not interested in relationships, and i don't care. i resolve to turn them away until i know what i'm doing.
my anthropology lecturer has a baby called finton castro. we watched a video, 'we are all neighbours', about the former yugoslavia and the growth of croat nationalism in bosnia and violence toward bosnian muslims. neighbours turning against each other, killing each other. these two old women, one catholic and one muslim, who had lived next door to each other and drank coffee together daily for 40 years. in the course of, what, a few weeks, all that trust and love was just gone. all for the sake of nationalism.
the most farcical ideology i can think of. so ANGRY. it's bullshit. the driving force behind it is this whole concept of ethnicity, ancient shared histories and memories, national communities. it's the most modern fucking concept, created out of modernity, as a result of modernity. and i just can't even fucking type.
i can't believe i even thought that.
i remind myself of s. how you're automatically happy if all the little boxes are filled; work/uni, friends, family, girl/boyfriend. picket fences. and how you couldn't possibly be happy if somewhere was lacking.
we have this conversation a lot, only i'm not sure whether we've actually had it, or whether it's always been in my head. i'm starting to lose track of these things. real and imagined. it's going to get me into trouble soon.
and then on the phone last night, he asked me whether i knew what goes on at the howard florey institute. well, many things. office romances, pencil sharpening, people drinking nescafé because offices and institutes only have instant coffee. cancer research, things like that, why? i said.
'they cut live animals up! they like.. cut live animals!'
'yes. cancer research. i'm not surprised..'
which is a lie. i'm surprised, but at the fact that he found it surprising.
'but on live animals! did you know this? i mean.. did you know this happens?'
'animal testing? um. ..yes.'
'tell me more about it! it's called vivisection, you know'
'yes. pretty much all cosmetics, shampoos, pharmaceuticals, everything, is tested on animals at some point..'
'ON LIVE ANIMALS?'
'...YES! what, you didn't.. know?'
'well, fuck! isn't it.. kinda.. cruel?'
what the fuck am i supposed to say. there are people like this right under my fucking nose. i don't understand a lot of things in this world, and this is one of them.
it happens when you don't know when you don't do anything, care about anything, flip the newspaper straight over to the sports section before glancing at some horror or other on the front page. it angers me. i can't understand how i went out with this person and put up with varying degrees of utter ignorance and apathy towards everything i feel passionate about.
we argued about how we never talked about politics.
about how i didn't tell him things.
it's something about preservation and denial, my darling.
and i can't talk to you anymore. i fucking give up.
it has taken me a while, but i now know myself, that no relationship is better than one that doesn't matter. people tell you things, but they don't mean anything until you work them out for yourself. so now, i'm not interested in relationships, and i don't care. i resolve to turn them away until i know what i'm doing.
my anthropology lecturer has a baby called finton castro. we watched a video, 'we are all neighbours', about the former yugoslavia and the growth of croat nationalism in bosnia and violence toward bosnian muslims. neighbours turning against each other, killing each other. these two old women, one catholic and one muslim, who had lived next door to each other and drank coffee together daily for 40 years. in the course of, what, a few weeks, all that trust and love was just gone. all for the sake of nationalism.
the most farcical ideology i can think of. so ANGRY. it's bullshit. the driving force behind it is this whole concept of ethnicity, ancient shared histories and memories, national communities. it's the most modern fucking concept, created out of modernity, as a result of modernity. and i just can't even fucking type.