Ugly Duckling . . . .
I'm not paranoid, i know a lot of people think i am . . . . and My mom always tells me to stop worrying so much. Something is SERIOUSLY wrong with my body . . .I say it's cancer, i don't know WHAT it is. I have these odd lumps everywhere . . . I start aching, I'm tired alot . . .something is going down.
On an even more sadder note. . . I saw Andrew today for like, the first time in over a month. He had this surgery, and Christina tells me he's been self-conscious about himself. And hearing that made me really sad, cuz he's still an amazing person . . . or at least the person I get the chance to talk to is. And then I got really upset, because for the first time, I'm able to admit to myself how extremely self-conscious, and awkward I feel in my body. I have all these amazing gorgeous friends, and everytime I go out, I have to wonder if other people wonder wtf I'm doing out with them . . .I always feel ugly, and I want someone. I want someone so they can want me and make me feel better about my pathetic existence. Which the fact that I can say that is even sadder, because in all reality, how pathetic IS my existence? And I have no one that I can talk to about this. Every time I tell my mom, she just tells me how stupid I am for saying that because I'm so wrong. Which maybe is true . . .but then, how do I stop myself from feeling the way I do? I dno . . . i wish I were different. I wish mostly that I never had to cry because I don't feel worthy . . .I wish that I didn't feel that I needed a guy to make me feel beautiful . . . mostly I wish I were beautiful, so I'd never have to question myself . . .
there are those days that I'm like . . . you're okay, and then there are those days when I'm like .. . wtf is wrong w/ my face. Obviously today is the latter. I'm not . . . I'm not . . .
On an even more sadder note. . . I saw Andrew today for like, the first time in over a month. He had this surgery, and Christina tells me he's been self-conscious about himself. And hearing that made me really sad, cuz he's still an amazing person . . . or at least the person I get the chance to talk to is. And then I got really upset, because for the first time, I'm able to admit to myself how extremely self-conscious, and awkward I feel in my body. I have all these amazing gorgeous friends, and everytime I go out, I have to wonder if other people wonder wtf I'm doing out with them . . .I always feel ugly, and I want someone. I want someone so they can want me and make me feel better about my pathetic existence. Which the fact that I can say that is even sadder, because in all reality, how pathetic IS my existence? And I have no one that I can talk to about this. Every time I tell my mom, she just tells me how stupid I am for saying that because I'm so wrong. Which maybe is true . . .but then, how do I stop myself from feeling the way I do? I dno . . . i wish I were different. I wish mostly that I never had to cry because I don't feel worthy . . .I wish that I didn't feel that I needed a guy to make me feel beautiful . . . mostly I wish I were beautiful, so I'd never have to question myself . . .
there are those days that I'm like . . . you're okay, and then there are those days when I'm like .. . wtf is wrong w/ my face. Obviously today is the latter. I'm not . . . I'm not . . .