murdered
sebastian emails to reply to my terrible weekend with sympathy, and, oh p.s.
"I'm sorry i have been avoiding you the past little while. There is a reason for it and I know you will be upset by it and I am sorry I am telling you by email, I just can't get the nerve to tell you in person... I am seeing someone now. I'm sorry that I couldn't make it work out with you, and I know this probably hurts you but I will always remember the good times we had together. I still care for you and this is really hard for me to do, but I hope you understand that this was the way we were headed for a while now and that I just need to be let go."
i have been physically sick all week.
when he told me, i got him to call, and cried the phone for half an hour.
he just... didn't care.when sebastian told me it killed me. This week, every though has picked at my flesh and like a scavanger, leaving these naked bones alone and hopeless.
.is that what she looks like?
.what did i do to deserve being deserted?
.what do i do now with this year i took off for him?
.what is a lie and what is truth?
sebastian once said...
'can i tell you something my love? as long as you think of me, i'll be there for you'
'take me heart and never let it go'
'you are my world'
'i can't wait to be done school so i can live in montreal with you'
'you have my love FOREVER'
well... i saved all his text messages that made me gasp and love him stronger. turns out all my favourite words of his were lies.
.
.
.
MISTAKES I WON'T MAKE AGAIN:
1. let him into every scene of my life ( leaving me nowhere to escape to when things go wrong, because everything reaks of him)
2. trust him when he says he'll never leave me needing
3. assume that if he loves me this much now, he'll love me AT ALL later
4. sacrifice my education, my friendships, my link to a home, and all my sense of self to feel him close
5. love his family and friends
6. ever date someone with a name i want for my child
7. depend on ANYONE, EVER.
.
.
.
and then frou frou started playing,
just when i was remembering the suicide that stopped my metro car yesterday and started to feel jealous,
i heard what seemed like my own voice,
before i ever met Sebastian and gave that voice up.
"let go, let go...
there's beauty in the breakdown...
let go, let go..."
this mondy, sebastian, you made my heart so ugly it is beautiful.
i'm like a rotting corpse today,
and like i always say,
"you don't know.
maybe that's what heaven is:
the way it feels as you corpse rots into the living earth,
and you become dust"
"I'm sorry i have been avoiding you the past little while. There is a reason for it and I know you will be upset by it and I am sorry I am telling you by email, I just can't get the nerve to tell you in person... I am seeing someone now. I'm sorry that I couldn't make it work out with you, and I know this probably hurts you but I will always remember the good times we had together. I still care for you and this is really hard for me to do, but I hope you understand that this was the way we were headed for a while now and that I just need to be let go."
i have been physically sick all week.
when he told me, i got him to call, and cried the phone for half an hour.
he just... didn't care.when sebastian told me it killed me. This week, every though has picked at my flesh and like a scavanger, leaving these naked bones alone and hopeless.
.is that what she looks like?
.what did i do to deserve being deserted?
.what do i do now with this year i took off for him?
.what is a lie and what is truth?
sebastian once said...
'can i tell you something my love? as long as you think of me, i'll be there for you'
'take me heart and never let it go'
'you are my world'
'i can't wait to be done school so i can live in montreal with you'
'you have my love FOREVER'
well... i saved all his text messages that made me gasp and love him stronger. turns out all my favourite words of his were lies.
.
.
.
MISTAKES I WON'T MAKE AGAIN:
1. let him into every scene of my life ( leaving me nowhere to escape to when things go wrong, because everything reaks of him)
2. trust him when he says he'll never leave me needing
3. assume that if he loves me this much now, he'll love me AT ALL later
4. sacrifice my education, my friendships, my link to a home, and all my sense of self to feel him close
5. love his family and friends
6. ever date someone with a name i want for my child
7. depend on ANYONE, EVER.
.
.
.
and then frou frou started playing,
just when i was remembering the suicide that stopped my metro car yesterday and started to feel jealous,
i heard what seemed like my own voice,
before i ever met Sebastian and gave that voice up.
"let go, let go...
there's beauty in the breakdown...
let go, let go..."
this mondy, sebastian, you made my heart so ugly it is beautiful.
i'm like a rotting corpse today,
and like i always say,
"you don't know.
maybe that's what heaven is:
the way it feels as you corpse rots into the living earth,
and you become dust"