Tired, I am yes
I'm having sleep difficulties. It's awesome - I woke up at 3 am yesterday and had absolutely no idea what day it was, if it was am or pm, how long I'd slept or what I'd been doing. I was convinced I'd been asleep for 24 hours. Eventually I remembered I'd been working on my stargateland Big Bang and using the timestamps on my files reconstructed that I'd only been asleep for like 13 hours. It's like that moment when you realize you've forgotten something, really and truly forgotten something, but suddenly you remember it. Magic.
Earlier this morning (when I was trying and failing to sleep) I remembered my granddad giving me flowers as we drove away, heading back home after one of our cross-country visits. I was maybe 5? 7? We wrapped the stems in a wet paper towel but they were wilted and gone within hours anyway and I had to throw them away. I haven't remembered that for years, even though that trip was probably the only time I ever saw my granddad before he died (without being like, 1) and the only other memory I have of him is sitting at the tv, faux betting on horses. (I had no idea what I was doing but my horse won and he gave me a $2 bill in an envelope (my winnings) with my name (misspelled) written on the front.) I still have the envelope, and the money.
Then I got up, because sleep wasn't happening, and watched this Being Erica vid when I was digging back through comms and it made me so happy to be alive and in love with my fandom and just freaking here that I spent an hour happily cleaning my bathroom. IDEK. No, I do. Life is in balance when you can take joy in the mundane tasks, appreciate the moment and the effort, not try to avoid it or rush past it. Balance is happiness is passion is, for me, Being Erica and Dr. Tom and Erica and the whole mish mash of seasons and all the layers when you can look back and look down and into the center and out from the whole and it doesn't matter that some of the HOWS were kinda off because it's the WHATS and the HIGH POINTS that matter and even this season, especially this season, when BE hits a high point it is absolutely glorious.
What I meant to write about, actually, is my ongoing personal fanon which has Power Play and Being Erica in roughly the same world. Because Brett Parker, in essence if not exact fact, is a younger Tom Wexlar. (Though possibly even more screwed up, oddly enough.) And there are so many ways it could go. Including "dead hockey players" as "version of therapists."
Earlier this morning (when I was trying and failing to sleep) I remembered my granddad giving me flowers as we drove away, heading back home after one of our cross-country visits. I was maybe 5? 7? We wrapped the stems in a wet paper towel but they were wilted and gone within hours anyway and I had to throw them away. I haven't remembered that for years, even though that trip was probably the only time I ever saw my granddad before he died (without being like, 1) and the only other memory I have of him is sitting at the tv, faux betting on horses. (I had no idea what I was doing but my horse won and he gave me a $2 bill in an envelope (my winnings) with my name (misspelled) written on the front.) I still have the envelope, and the money.
Then I got up, because sleep wasn't happening, and watched this Being Erica vid when I was digging back through comms and it made me so happy to be alive and in love with my fandom and just freaking here that I spent an hour happily cleaning my bathroom. IDEK. No, I do. Life is in balance when you can take joy in the mundane tasks, appreciate the moment and the effort, not try to avoid it or rush past it. Balance is happiness is passion is, for me, Being Erica and Dr. Tom and Erica and the whole mish mash of seasons and all the layers when you can look back and look down and into the center and out from the whole and it doesn't matter that some of the HOWS were kinda off because it's the WHATS and the HIGH POINTS that matter and even this season, especially this season, when BE hits a high point it is absolutely glorious.
What I meant to write about, actually, is my ongoing personal fanon which has Power Play and Being Erica in roughly the same world. Because Brett Parker, in essence if not exact fact, is a younger Tom Wexlar. (Though possibly even more screwed up, oddly enough.) And there are so many ways it could go. Including "dead hockey players" as "version of therapists."