[GREETINGS, NETWORK. Some loser's got his coke-bottle lenses way too close to the camera. Back up, bro, you're fogging the screen, and that is gross
( Read more... )
[Okay, so. You were totally dead before Wheatley was even an idea but. You are also a dead guy whose presence was very hard to avoid, what with all those prerecorded messages and pictures and other assorted crap.]
Okay, um. This is probably going to sound a little far-fetched--little out there, given the circumstances, but stick with me, stick with me, promise it's a good story.
You, uh...you built me?
Well, not you, specifically. I'd hope you would remember building me, if that was the case. Which it isn't. Your overworked, underpaid employees...ah...built me, if you want to get technical. But we're pretty sure it was your idea.
That's not so far-fetched. We build all sorts of things--Handheld Portal Devices, Mobility Gels, Highly Advanced Robots and so forth--which you are no doubt familiar with.
Except the robot part, apparently. Unless you are the result of a robot-human body displacement test.
Okay I got it now I promise. thats_asbestosDecember 10 2011, 18:57:33 UTC
[There is a fine line between flattery and butt kissing. Cave is not sure he knows the difference but he knows the line okay don't cross it Wheatnam.]
Sure thing, but put some pants on first. If you're going to wear your birthday suit you need to do it with confidence and style. [A naked kind of style.] There's lady types around here.
Or do it if gratuitous nudity is what you were originally programed for.
I DON'T KNOW.thats_asbestosDecember 11 2011, 02:16:39 UTC
[QUESTIONING THE THINGS YOU SAY.]
Look, there's days I don't want to wear pants either. And I don't! Because I'm the boss and I write the paychecks that funded your very existence. But as far as I can tell, you are currently a human, possibly an ex-psychiatric patient, who either thinks they are a robot or was actually once a robot and is now a human, possibly an ex-psychiatric patient.
If you weren't programmed for nudity, put some damn pants on.
[THINK OF IT AS A TEST, WHEATLEY. A TEST YOU NEED TO SOLVE.]
MY INBOX DEAR GODfourpartplanDecember 11 2011, 03:08:54 UTC
No, no! I'm a robot. Definitely a robot, not crazy in the slightest. Unless, you know, this is just a big hallucination from being stranded in space for so long, which, now that I think about it, could be a possibility.
I am a robot, though.
[SHUT UP CAVE I DO WHAT I WANT.]
The point is, actually, now that you're here, maybe you could help me...do something. About the whole not being a robot thing.
FIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION.thats_asbestosDecember 11 2011, 06:04:18 UTC
You want to go back to being a robot? [CAVE IS ALL SMILES.] Sure. That's nothing a little science and testing couldn't fix.
[Smiles are a little short-lived, however.]
There is the obstacle of not having Aperture here at the ready, however. If I have to rebuild the entire facility from the ground up, so help me I will.
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[Wait.]
Oh God.
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I--
You're Cave Johnson.
[SWEET ROBOT JESUS]
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That is right, I'm Cave Johnson, which means you are a bright and observant individual who wants to make sixty dollars has yet to answer my question.
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Okay, um. This is probably going to sound a little far-fetched--little out there, given the circumstances, but stick with me, stick with me, promise it's a good story.
You, uh...you built me?
Well, not you, specifically. I'd hope you would remember building me, if that was the case. Which it isn't. Your overworked, underpaid employees...ah...built me, if you want to get technical. But we're pretty sure it was your idea.
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Except the robot part, apparently. Unless you are the result of a robot-human body displacement test.
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[HAHA oh. Right. The whole not being a robot thing. He sort of halfheartedly looks down at himself.]
Actually, I, uh. I did want to talk to you about that, Mr. Johnson. May I call you Mr. Johnson?
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Sure thing, but put some pants on first. If you're going to wear your birthday suit you need to do it with confidence and style. [A naked kind of style.] There's lady types around here.
Or do it if gratuitous nudity is what you were originally programed for.
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[In that he tried really hard but is apparently physically incapable of wearing clothes right.]
I wasn't actually programmed for gratuitous nudity, though.
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Look, there's days I don't want to wear pants either. And I don't! Because I'm the boss and I write the paychecks that funded your very existence. But as far as I can tell, you are currently a human, possibly an ex-psychiatric patient, who either thinks they are a robot or was actually once a robot and is now a human, possibly an ex-psychiatric patient.
If you weren't programmed for nudity, put some damn pants on.
[THINK OF IT AS A TEST, WHEATLEY. A TEST YOU NEED TO SOLVE.]
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I am a robot, though.
[SHUT UP CAVE I DO WHAT I WANT.]
The point is, actually, now that you're here, maybe you could help me...do something. About the whole not being a robot thing.
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[Smiles are a little short-lived, however.]
There is the obstacle of not having Aperture here at the ready, however. If I have to rebuild the entire facility from the ground up, so help me I will.
And by that I mean you'll be helping me.
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Exactly! Would like that very much, in fact.
[WHAT WAIT he's gonna have to work for it, maaaaaan]
Oh, uh. Of course. Absolutely. Yes Sir, Mr. Johnson.
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Pants are your first assignment.
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Pants. Yes. I'll get right on that.
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