Dec 07, 2005 08:15
Something feels wrong about today. I can't tell if it's me or just everything around me. The sunlight doesn't seem to fit. The snow doesn't seem to fit. The cold, the light, my clothes... it all just seems wrong. Even my own skin feels uncomfortable. It's not quite itchy, it's more like a pair of pants that are a little too stiff and a little too tight. It chafes to move and it's uncomfortable to sit still.
I get the impression that I'm a lot older than I am. I suppose my life is roughly 25-30% over, but it feels more like the upper 80's or 90's to me. I think it always felt like that. It's as though I need to crawl out of myself. The idea of what I'd be afterward is still terrifying. All my intuition still points to nothing. Such is life...
I just got done watching the old mtv cartoon series, The Maxx. Why is escapism viewed as such a terrible thing? We have imaginations for a reason. Obviously evolution caused their existence for some very valid purpose. This world is a pretty unpleasant place. If I can run away to somewhere more suited to me, shouldn't I?
Why the hell does everyone think that god would act like a twelve year old? People think that traffic clears in front of them because they said a little prayer or that the guy at mcdonald's forgot the extra pickles because god is punishing them. What a fucking sad little lack of perspective. Nobody seems to understand the idea of free will. The whole concept of christian dogma revolves around it, but so few people understand it. God made all things and caused them to operate in the manner they do. Part of that operation, is our ability to reason and act freely, according to our judgement. Therefore, every single action that involves any sort of interaction with other human beings is simultaneously god's will and human design. It's god's decision to let us make our own decisions. If he were to intervene in any way, he'd be breaking his word (the pope's word = his word) to us. People just don't want to have to think that they are responsible for every single second of their own lives. They don't like that sort of hopeless, seemingly-formless existence.