the beat brings some sense to my head
there is so much that has been on my mind that i have wanted to say to Sir. i sometimes can talk too much. well i think i talk too much , but usually i need to tell Him. i didnt want to tell Him all the things i said , partly because i dont want my personal afflictions so be a source of anoyance for Him, but also because i am so use to just trying to figure it out on my own. i feel like i am wonder woman if i can just do it all on my own.
Sir is right though ,15 years of my own choices have led me to nothing. So i will obey even if the command is not what i was after. To think i found my self to be bold enough to tell him what i was doing is beyond me. Again my place is understood, ahh a place i am comfortable at i know , but i struggle with being comfortable there sometimes.
After he educated me on why i was wrong he instructed me to beat my back for 30 min to further analyze why i was wrong . This punishment will endure for the next seven days. This is not something i do lightly , for one i want to do it the way he wants because it is what he wants done and it should be done right and ........well ......pleasing to Him and if it is not done the way i think and know how He will want it done i will have to endure the bag this i dont want to do. Another reason i dont do it lightly is because the need to let the frustration of my actions and His swift reaction go. I wish to beat the raw emotion away from me.
i gathered up what i needed to supply the evidence that He would require and the rope for the beating He laid out. I took my self humbly to the spot for my beating . Sometimes having to do a beating to my self for punishment is humilating because..well..... just because it is.
I take note of the time on my watch that i sit on the sink and start the prossess of delivering the blows with His rope. nothing i have is mine ,nothing i own is mine, it is all His. i give it all willing. i try and deliver the blows at an even rate . i try and spread the whip marks from the rope evenly across my back. i look at my watch after some time has past , i realize it has only been about twelve mins. i kneel down on the floor to try and break the need of wanting to look at the time. i continue the beating , my anger at the situation growing till i am just beating my self ...no thoughts are coming in my head.all i feel is the warmth of the pain across my back and the tears that are spilling down my face clouding my vision. i feel freedom in this pain . for just a moment i had the freedom from everything that brought me to the beating. i could think of nothing but the pain i was bringing to myself for him.
i am able to go the whole half hour without stoping but to kneel , though i was glad it was done then. the pain was not terrible but nontheless it is pain and it does hurt. i feel like the part that is hardest for me is when i am done. when it is over and i am weak now . weaker than i feel most times. i feel like i am emotionaly and physically soft and plyable. my thoughts are fuzzy because they are focused on the task at hand and then the after affects that come with it. my mind inevetably searches for His strength and guiding hand, yet i am alone, but not alone. it is strange for me.
i had to leave and go out to the store with my kids after this beating of my self. my mind is softer than usual and drifts towards thought of Sir and the words He said to me. at this point all i truly wish to do is be at his feet , something i am unable to do . i feel so vurenable ,open, and exposed . yet i am completely clothed , closed off to the world other than to pay attention to the kids and our surrondings ,and i am not vurenable. i feel like i am strong and able to handle things that come my way.
punishment always does that to me. brings me to this soft place i am not used to , yet makes me feel like i can take more of life.
my back is dreadfully sore right now and purple little spots are already forming. i worry about how it is going to feel tomorrow when i take the rope to it again.
despite the pain though .....i am glad i was honest with him ..i am glad i told him what i did. when i try and keep everything in my life inside and handle it myself i cant. why cant i ?.....i mean because i truly want to take the world by its big horns and drag it along ...i dont want to have to be told i am wrong...i dont want to be a drain or make Him feel like i am always needing of his direction ,but yet somehow it works and harmony is restored and i feel balanced .
goodnight all ..and too all a goodnight