[40] letters to chiriku
Dear Chiriku
To start, have a scarf. I actually made this last year, but... yeah. Long story, but I thought you might like it. Keep your bald head warm.
I haven't written you in a long time. I'm... sorry about that. I'm sorry about a lot of stuff. It shouldn't have taken over a year to write it, but...
It should probably please you to know that karma is still kicking my ass. I certainly deserve it. Since the gala, I've gotten another team, like Tsurude has been threatening me with for years. One of them is Konohako. The other is the Uchiha. I think that alone gives you a pretty good idea of my punishment there.
I managed to sell off most of the crap I got from all the stupid suitors, and relatively few have bothered pursuing me after the whole mess at the gala. I figure once they got a good look at me and/or the Akatsuki chasing me, they decided maybe a ninja wasn't such an interesting prize. One is still being pretty annoying, though. I still get letters from him now and then.
I stopped smoking for most of the year, too. But... I've started again. A little. Not nearly as much as I used to. It's... kind of hard to smoke, but hard not to. I've been doing nothing but crave cigarettes for the last year, but then Rin gave me permission to smoke again, because Kureno talked him into it, and it's hard not to, even though I sort of don't want to, because...
... it's complicated. I wish you were here, or that I could come see you when you're off duty. I've made a right mess for myself, and I don't know what to do with it. I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, so I kinda feel like I maybe understand it a little better, but not about what to do with it.
It's Kureno, mostly. Sort of. At least, he's a big part of it. Or maybe it wouldn't feel like such a big issue if he wasn't a part of it. But he's made it clear that he's attracted to me and wants more than just friendship, rather than just dancing around it and being a pansy. On the one hand I'm glad that he's come to a firm decision about it, but on the other I just... don't know what to do. If I'm interested too. If I want to be interested. I've agreed to at least try, but... I wonder how much of this is me agreeing because I'm interested, or me agreeing because I feel like I owe him.
I feel like I need someone to talk to, not to figure things out for me but so I can just say this crap out loud. A sounding board, someone to tell me how stupid I'm really being, because I can't help but think it is stupid but I can't get past thinking that it isn't. I can't talk to him about it, and I can't talk to you about it - you're not here and, no offense, you wouldn't really have any experience to give me good input about this - but I don't know if there's anyone I could talk to. It sucks, and if I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that all of this really all comes back to Sasoriza. Everything I fucked up, and everything I haven't done to make up for what I did. I haven't done anything for anyone - hell, I couldn't even stay quit when it came to smoking.
I just can't get past this, can't even get back into shape like I used to be. At least Rin got me out of sleeping most of the day, but I'm still not where I should be. All because of this stupid block. I can't move forward until I fix my mistakes, or make up for them, but I don't even know where to start. I'm worried that my need to make up for my mistakes is only going to make further mistakes with Kureno. Hell... I haven't even spoken to team ten in close to a year. I guess they finally had enough.
I didn't meant for this to turn into a bitch fest. I just don't really have anything good to say.
I hope you're doing okay at the palace. Maybe I'll see you in the new year when you go home.
A
To start, have a scarf. I actually made this last year, but... yeah. Long story, but I thought you might like it. Keep your bald head warm.
I haven't written you in a long time. I'm... sorry about that. I'm sorry about a lot of stuff. It shouldn't have taken over a year to write it, but...
It should probably please you to know that karma is still kicking my ass. I certainly deserve it. Since the gala, I've gotten another team, like Tsurude has been threatening me with for years. One of them is Konohako. The other is the Uchiha. I think that alone gives you a pretty good idea of my punishment there.
I managed to sell off most of the crap I got from all the stupid suitors, and relatively few have bothered pursuing me after the whole mess at the gala. I figure once they got a good look at me and/or the Akatsuki chasing me, they decided maybe a ninja wasn't such an interesting prize. One is still being pretty annoying, though. I still get letters from him now and then.
I stopped smoking for most of the year, too. But... I've started again. A little. Not nearly as much as I used to. It's... kind of hard to smoke, but hard not to. I've been doing nothing but crave cigarettes for the last year, but then Rin gave me permission to smoke again, because Kureno talked him into it, and it's hard not to, even though I sort of don't want to, because...
... it's complicated. I wish you were here, or that I could come see you when you're off duty. I've made a right mess for myself, and I don't know what to do with it. I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, so I kinda feel like I maybe understand it a little better, but not about what to do with it.
It's Kureno, mostly. Sort of. At least, he's a big part of it. Or maybe it wouldn't feel like such a big issue if he wasn't a part of it. But he's made it clear that he's attracted to me and wants more than just friendship, rather than just dancing around it and being a pansy. On the one hand I'm glad that he's come to a firm decision about it, but on the other I just... don't know what to do. If I'm interested too. If I want to be interested. I've agreed to at least try, but... I wonder how much of this is me agreeing because I'm interested, or me agreeing because I feel like I owe him.
I feel like I need someone to talk to, not to figure things out for me but so I can just say this crap out loud. A sounding board, someone to tell me how stupid I'm really being, because I can't help but think it is stupid but I can't get past thinking that it isn't. I can't talk to him about it, and I can't talk to you about it - you're not here and, no offense, you wouldn't really have any experience to give me good input about this - but I don't know if there's anyone I could talk to. It sucks, and if I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that all of this really all comes back to Sasoriza. Everything I fucked up, and everything I haven't done to make up for what I did. I haven't done anything for anyone - hell, I couldn't even stay quit when it came to smoking.
I just can't get past this, can't even get back into shape like I used to be. At least Rin got me out of sleeping most of the day, but I'm still not where I should be. All because of this stupid block. I can't move forward until I fix my mistakes, or make up for them, but I don't even know where to start. I'm worried that my need to make up for my mistakes is only going to make further mistakes with Kureno. Hell... I haven't even spoken to team ten in close to a year. I guess they finally had enough.
I didn't meant for this to turn into a bitch fest. I just don't really have anything good to say.
I hope you're doing okay at the palace. Maybe I'll see you in the new year when you go home.
A