the constant conflict of internet and identity
Last time, I talked about the reasons I’m starting this blog a-fresh. However, I failed to address what has inspired me to return to the LiveJournal community after three years of silence. It’s nothing terribly profound, I’m afraid - events were set in motion because I found a LiveJournal community that I wanted to follow. Yes, a veritable secret society of fangirls (and maybe a few fanboys?) that I like to refer to as the Treemasons. Groan at the pun if you like, but I feel it’s highly appropriate - I’m a female cradle-Catholic, and I’d still have an easier time becoming a Freemason. ~.^ I can’t say much more on the matter, because the first rule of Treemasons is, you don’t talk about Treemasons. (And so forth.)
Anyway, as near as I can tell - not yet having been inducted into the sisterhood - there is content available to Treemasons only. (...Mrr, I’d better shut up before I violate the first rule of Treemasons.) So, lurking is simply not an option for me if I wish to enjoy all the sisterhood has to offer. I first tried applying using my “alias” LiveJournal account, which had been dormant for so long it was up for deletion. Suffice to say, I was rejected. (I don’t blame them - no doubt they thought I was a troll.) I then started to create a NEW “alias” LiveJournal, because I saw potential in the notion of collaborating with Sega on a faux account. It was all a bit complicated and frustrating, and the more I worked on this faux persona, the more I felt like a fraud.
This is the point in which I began to examine the idea of Internet identity.
The Internet allows us this amazing level of freedom, to be anything and everything that we want to be - or DON’T want to be. Like V in his Guy Fawkes mask, we are The Anonymous. There are no repercussions unless we choose to acknowledge them.
There have been times in my life where I have put on the mask, hiding behind a plasticine grin as I indulge in unabashed honesty. But the mask only serves to hide my shame and my fear. I didn’t want to be judged for the less honorable, less savory, parts of my personality. So I divorced them into another persona, like a self-induced Jekyll and Hyde.
Here is an example that both illustrates my point thus far AND leads into the thrust of my ramble. (Heh. Thrust. 6_6)
When I was sixteen, I was an active member in a fan community with a thriving message board. There, I had many acquaintances, and even a few friends. I felt comfortable there socially - like I “fit in”. Anyway, I’d been a regular on this message board for, hmm - roughly a year, I suppose - when some content in the community arose that I took offense to. I had a feeling that my opinion was going to be unpopular, because nobody else had so much as batted an eye - but I felt my voice needed to be heard.
So, I made an anonymous post, detailing my issues with the content I found objectionable. As I recall, I was not particularly mature about it - in fact, I think I was downright rude. As a result, I was thoroughly torn a new one - not just by the members of the community that I had indicted, but also by the people that I had considered to be my friends. The entire experience was extremely upsetting, and my participation on this message board faded rapidly. My feeling was, “Now I know what they REALLY think of me. I can’t just pretend nothing happened.”
And that's the problem with the anonymity of the Internet. You can be more “honest” around millions of strangers than you’d ever be face-to-face with your friends. But the honesty is not necessarily genuine - you have the privilege of being an asshole and so you take advantage of it. In that sense, people can love and hate you at the same time - love the person that they think they know, and hate the person that they don’t realize they know.
And that is something I do not want.
My interest in joining the Treemasons has sparked long internal dialogues, and my conclusion is this - I am what I am. Some of it’s good, and some of it’s pretty damn shite, but in the end, it’s all me. If somebody is going to dislike me, then dammit, dislike ME and not a painted face. Pretending to be somebody or something else, so that I can participate in deviant behavior that is not even an accurate representation of myself, does no good to me or anybody else. Being a fraud on the Internet is a choice - an easy choice - but it’s not the choice for me. I want to be true to myself as much as I possibly can.
So, hello. I’m M.G. Imperial / Morgan Imperial, AKA The Morg, AKA astro-pez-monkey / astro_pez_monkey / astropezmonkey. With the exception of Facebook - where I DO use my real name - you can always find me under these names. Content may vary, but it will always be me. This person that I like - most days, anyway. This ten pounds of crazy in a five-pound bag.
This Morg.
Coming up next - a reblog of my introductory post from my recently created Tumblr. What does The Nova of the Ocean of the Cleverness REALLY mean? (Hint: nothing.)
Anyway, as near as I can tell - not yet having been inducted into the sisterhood - there is content available to Treemasons only. (...Mrr, I’d better shut up before I violate the first rule of Treemasons.) So, lurking is simply not an option for me if I wish to enjoy all the sisterhood has to offer. I first tried applying using my “alias” LiveJournal account, which had been dormant for so long it was up for deletion. Suffice to say, I was rejected. (I don’t blame them - no doubt they thought I was a troll.) I then started to create a NEW “alias” LiveJournal, because I saw potential in the notion of collaborating with Sega on a faux account. It was all a bit complicated and frustrating, and the more I worked on this faux persona, the more I felt like a fraud.
This is the point in which I began to examine the idea of Internet identity.
The Internet allows us this amazing level of freedom, to be anything and everything that we want to be - or DON’T want to be. Like V in his Guy Fawkes mask, we are The Anonymous. There are no repercussions unless we choose to acknowledge them.
There have been times in my life where I have put on the mask, hiding behind a plasticine grin as I indulge in unabashed honesty. But the mask only serves to hide my shame and my fear. I didn’t want to be judged for the less honorable, less savory, parts of my personality. So I divorced them into another persona, like a self-induced Jekyll and Hyde.
Here is an example that both illustrates my point thus far AND leads into the thrust of my ramble. (Heh. Thrust. 6_6)
When I was sixteen, I was an active member in a fan community with a thriving message board. There, I had many acquaintances, and even a few friends. I felt comfortable there socially - like I “fit in”. Anyway, I’d been a regular on this message board for, hmm - roughly a year, I suppose - when some content in the community arose that I took offense to. I had a feeling that my opinion was going to be unpopular, because nobody else had so much as batted an eye - but I felt my voice needed to be heard.
So, I made an anonymous post, detailing my issues with the content I found objectionable. As I recall, I was not particularly mature about it - in fact, I think I was downright rude. As a result, I was thoroughly torn a new one - not just by the members of the community that I had indicted, but also by the people that I had considered to be my friends. The entire experience was extremely upsetting, and my participation on this message board faded rapidly. My feeling was, “Now I know what they REALLY think of me. I can’t just pretend nothing happened.”
And that's the problem with the anonymity of the Internet. You can be more “honest” around millions of strangers than you’d ever be face-to-face with your friends. But the honesty is not necessarily genuine - you have the privilege of being an asshole and so you take advantage of it. In that sense, people can love and hate you at the same time - love the person that they think they know, and hate the person that they don’t realize they know.
And that is something I do not want.
My interest in joining the Treemasons has sparked long internal dialogues, and my conclusion is this - I am what I am. Some of it’s good, and some of it’s pretty damn shite, but in the end, it’s all me. If somebody is going to dislike me, then dammit, dislike ME and not a painted face. Pretending to be somebody or something else, so that I can participate in deviant behavior that is not even an accurate representation of myself, does no good to me or anybody else. Being a fraud on the Internet is a choice - an easy choice - but it’s not the choice for me. I want to be true to myself as much as I possibly can.
So, hello. I’m M.G. Imperial / Morgan Imperial, AKA The Morg, AKA astro-pez-monkey / astro_pez_monkey / astropezmonkey. With the exception of Facebook - where I DO use my real name - you can always find me under these names. Content may vary, but it will always be me. This person that I like - most days, anyway. This ten pounds of crazy in a five-pound bag.
This Morg.
Coming up next - a reblog of my introductory post from my recently created Tumblr. What does The Nova of the Ocean of the Cleverness REALLY mean? (Hint: nothing.)