Pacifiers & Pathos
So I watched the season 2 premiere of Toddlers and Tiaras with some friends last night. I was familiar with the basic premise of the show, mostly from clips played on The Soup, but I'd never seen an entire (hour-long) episode. My friends and I were excited, especially when the show directly preceding it on TLC was titled "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant!" Surely, we were in for some light-hearted fare that exposed the famewhorish tendencies of suburban American parents with deep emotional voids to fill. What we got was filled with more pathos than any of us could have expected, and within the first five minutes a dead silence had fallen on the room as we sat stunned by what we watched.
I guess I should take a moment to explain the show to the uninitiated. Each episode tracks anywhere from two to five parents who have entered their children into a pageant of some kind. The children, sadly, can be as old as 8 and as young as two weeks old. (Yes, you read that correctly. A woman entered her 2-week old son into a pageant for boys. I'll deal with her case shortly.) While the children can be of either sex, the parents are always and exclusively women. Most often, the husband will not even be mentioned, let alone shown in the footage or present at the pageant. In the rare cases where the husband is around, he's invariably disinterested in the entire affair, and will frequently be seen pleading with his wife to stop entering their children in pageants. The shows follow the parents first in the home, where the parents train their children to walk, smile, dance, and display a "talent," and then at the pageant proper where the children compete, often against each other. The shows end with the presentation of awards at the pageant, with brief confessionals by both parent and child after the close of the competition.
If none of this sounds particularly offensive just yet (except perhaps the 2-week old baby), then don't worry. There's more. The show maintains a carefully ambivalent stance toward both parent and pageant, and refrains from casting either in a negative light. However, the most revealing portions of the show come from reading between these lines. Instead of being coy, I may as well just get down to the nitty-gritty of what I saw. The vulgarity and vileness will soon become apparent.
The Families:
The Cantus
By far the most "normal" of the three families profiled this episode, the Cantus are a mother and two sons, 7-year-old Cameron and 2-week-old Kevin. Yep, the woman who enters her 2-week-old baby into male beauty pageants sadly qualifies as the most normal parent on the show. By all accounts, the older son genuinely enjoys pageants. He likes getting dressed up in suits, he's outgoing enough to relish the talent portion of the competiton, and seems at ease with the whole affair. What was moderately disturbing about his situation was that his mother had clearly wanted a daughter, but wound up with two sons. And in case that wasn't immediately apparent, the mom freely mentions this in her confessionals. In fact, at one point she bemoans the fact that pageants are more fun with a girl because with a boy you just "cut the hair and put a suit on him" whereas girls get to play with lace and frills and hair extensions and make-up and batons and shit like that.
The sad part of the Cantu story was seeing how desperately the mom wanted her two-week-old son to get involved in the pageant industry. This variously involved shoving the pageant trophies won by the older son in the baby's face (while saying "I think he likes it!"), dressing him up in baby tuxedos, desperately attempting to style the forlorn wisps of hair on his mostly hairless head, and parading him around on the pageant stage while voice-overing that "he did great--he was awake and and he wasn't crying so he did really well!" Like, what a fucking talent your infant son has, lady! He must love pageants!
But on the whole, the Cantu mom was legitimately supportive of her son, and she never once seemed to be forcing the older boy to participate in pageants against his will. So kudos, I guess?
The Woods
If the Cantus were the most "normal," then the Woods were the most stereotypical pageant family we saw. Once again, there was no male figure involved in this family. We only saw the Wood matriarch and her 4-year-old daughter, Eden, who, as we were all helpfully informed by the chyron, is a "fan favourite and pageant veteran." Which, when you're 4-years-old, is pretty fucking sad. Among the other sad things that cropped up in the Woods' segments, was the revelation that the mom had spent upwards of $70k on pageants for her daughter (which is fucking astounding considering Eden has only been competing for, at most, 3.5 years). As my friends and I all instantly commented, fighting each other to be the first to say it, that money could have entirely financed Eden's college tuition...if she ever had a shot at getting into college in the first place which, let's be honest, ain't gonna happen.
Here you might call me somewhat unfair, and say that just because a girl does pageants as a toddler doesn't mean she won't grow up to be smart. Well let me let you in on one of the more peculiar Wood traditions we were privy to last night. Eden, like all toddlers-cum-divas, was prone to tantrums and histrionics during the interminable make-up and hairstyling sessions. Her mom, to distract her during this outbursts, began speaking to her daughter through "hand characters" called Billy-Bob (the left hand) and Bobby-Sue (the right hand).
(like this, but without any props or make-up--just the hand)
At first, my friends and I said "Well, that's actually kind of a cute and adorable thing for a parent of a testy 4-year-old to do to calm their child down." But then, as so often happens with Toddlers and Tiaras, pure pathos struck. Eden immediately confessed in an interview that Bobby-Sue and Billy-Bob were her "best friends in the world." This was followed by a montage of Eden treating the two hand-characters as though they were real people, at one point demanding that Billy-Bob "go back to [his] hidey-hole" after saying something offensive.
This was not the only depressing moment in Eden's screen-time. Despite the fact that Eden fucking cleaned house during the awards (5 first-place trophies out of a possible 6 for her age-group), my friends and I expressed vocal shock and outrage when she took first-place for the "Outfit of Choice" category. See, the tarts on this show spend most of the pageant dolled in up in dresses selected by their moms, which leads to a bevy of frills and lace, sequins and rhinestones. The "Outfit of Choice" is the one time in the pageant where the toddlers are permitted to prance around in outfits of their own choosing, which usually leads to some absolutely fucking hilarious get-ups...because they're fucking toddlers. More often than not, you see girls in overtly-sexualized outfits like sexy cowgirls, sexy cheerleaders, or sexy streewalkers (really, there's no other way to describe a pleather miniskirt, fishnet stockings, and a bright plastic pink halter top with blue eyeshadow to top it off). Eden, however, was light-years ahead of the girls, and came out in what her mother described as a glitzy "Vegas show-girl get-up." This included, as you might imagine, a terrifyingly tight bodice with no legs (thankfully Eden wore nylons), a massive peacock-esque tail, and a feathered headdress. Her on-stage routine while wearing this was predictably lewd, and it saw her doing the splits, blowing kisses to the crowd, and pushing her non-existent tits together and waggling her bosom while winking coquettishly. It's a good thing her mom already gifted her with a stripper's name.
The Sterlings
Where do I start with these people?
They made me hate my species.
The Sterling were the only family where the husband was present, albeit marginally. He was introduced as having serious concerns about his wife's inclusion of their daughters in beauty pageants. Why, you might ask? Because the daughters were compelled to compete against each other.
I'll give you a bit of backstory. The Sterlings have 4 daughters, but only two really matter-- 6-year-old fraternal twins with the unfortunate names of BreAnne and AshLynn. Right off the bat the Sterling mother (let's call her "Cunty Someone-should-call-Children's-Aid-on-me McBitch," or just McBitch) openly played favourites with her twins. She was introduced to us while explaining that "BreAnne is prettier...her nose is smaller, her mouth is cuter, and she just looks more like her mom." Cut to BreAnne explaining that she loves beauty pageants because she "loves winning." Cut to poor AshLynn who tells the cameras that she doesn't like beauty pageants because she "has to compete against her sister...and it's hard to win." Also, any time I mention something that AshLynn says, be sure to picture her sighing hopelessly and the dejectedly trailing off into silence afterwards--BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT SHE DID EVERY TIME SHE SPOKE ABOUT PAGEANTS that poor poor horribly mistreated girl.
See, when BreAnne is around, McBitch is all smiles and compliments, gushing to the nearby cameramen about "what a natural" she is, and "how great she is on stage" and how "fresh and pretty" her look is. But when AshLynn is anywhere to be found, it's all "AshLynn is so unnatural on stage" and "her smile just looks forced" and "she has no committment to her walk." Several times, the cameramen filmed AshLynn moping away with tears in her eyes while her mom heaped praise on BreAnne just because she's "prettier." I'm not even counting the number of times McBitch said something to the effect of "Why can't you be more like your sister?"
Honestly, I can't convey how fucking sad this family made my friends and I. The mom reduced AshLynn to tears on numerous occasions for no reason at all, and then would top it off by once again smothering BreAnne with compliments about how wonderful she is. This culminated in an absolutely excruciating exchange that I have to describe in detail:
During the pageant, both sisters compete against each other in the same age class. AshLynn handled the whole thing like a pro, whereas BreAnne threw a diva tantrum right before the last competition (talent). Thankfully, the father stepped in at this point and said to the mom "Your daughter is acting like a spoiled brat, and she needs to learn her lesson." So he pulled her from the talent competition, despite the mom's protests. This meant that BreAnne was also absent for the awards segment. Here's where it gets depressing.
AshLynn, out of fucking nowhere, took first in some category like "Most Improved" or "Best Effort" or "The judges are aware of what a fucking bitch your mom is and they don't want you to kill yourself award." BreAnne, however, despite missing one of the competitions entirely, placed third overall in her age class. The parents agreed that, because she needed to learn her lesson, they would not tell her she won. This led to a confessional with the two sisters, where AshLynn was gushing about her unexpected win and hoping for some support from her sister. Her sister had this to say "You didn't win. No, you didn't. I won. Mom told me. And she told me that I did better than you." Cue AshLynn's face fucking FALLING, tears welling up in her eyes, and hoarsely whispering "You weren't supposed to find out." Then BreAnne wrestled away her sister's trophy, pushed her silently crying sister out of frame, and smiled at the camera.
In short, the Sterling mom needs to be publicly executed, AshLynn needs to be adopted by a loving couple and BreAnne needs to spend some time as the overlooked child.
I guess I should take a moment to explain the show to the uninitiated. Each episode tracks anywhere from two to five parents who have entered their children into a pageant of some kind. The children, sadly, can be as old as 8 and as young as two weeks old. (Yes, you read that correctly. A woman entered her 2-week old son into a pageant for boys. I'll deal with her case shortly.) While the children can be of either sex, the parents are always and exclusively women. Most often, the husband will not even be mentioned, let alone shown in the footage or present at the pageant. In the rare cases where the husband is around, he's invariably disinterested in the entire affair, and will frequently be seen pleading with his wife to stop entering their children in pageants. The shows follow the parents first in the home, where the parents train their children to walk, smile, dance, and display a "talent," and then at the pageant proper where the children compete, often against each other. The shows end with the presentation of awards at the pageant, with brief confessionals by both parent and child after the close of the competition.
If none of this sounds particularly offensive just yet (except perhaps the 2-week old baby), then don't worry. There's more. The show maintains a carefully ambivalent stance toward both parent and pageant, and refrains from casting either in a negative light. However, the most revealing portions of the show come from reading between these lines. Instead of being coy, I may as well just get down to the nitty-gritty of what I saw. The vulgarity and vileness will soon become apparent.
The Families:
The Cantus
By far the most "normal" of the three families profiled this episode, the Cantus are a mother and two sons, 7-year-old Cameron and 2-week-old Kevin. Yep, the woman who enters her 2-week-old baby into male beauty pageants sadly qualifies as the most normal parent on the show. By all accounts, the older son genuinely enjoys pageants. He likes getting dressed up in suits, he's outgoing enough to relish the talent portion of the competiton, and seems at ease with the whole affair. What was moderately disturbing about his situation was that his mother had clearly wanted a daughter, but wound up with two sons. And in case that wasn't immediately apparent, the mom freely mentions this in her confessionals. In fact, at one point she bemoans the fact that pageants are more fun with a girl because with a boy you just "cut the hair and put a suit on him" whereas girls get to play with lace and frills and hair extensions and make-up and batons and shit like that.
The sad part of the Cantu story was seeing how desperately the mom wanted her two-week-old son to get involved in the pageant industry. This variously involved shoving the pageant trophies won by the older son in the baby's face (while saying "I think he likes it!"), dressing him up in baby tuxedos, desperately attempting to style the forlorn wisps of hair on his mostly hairless head, and parading him around on the pageant stage while voice-overing that "he did great--he was awake and and he wasn't crying so he did really well!" Like, what a fucking talent your infant son has, lady! He must love pageants!
But on the whole, the Cantu mom was legitimately supportive of her son, and she never once seemed to be forcing the older boy to participate in pageants against his will. So kudos, I guess?
The Woods
If the Cantus were the most "normal," then the Woods were the most stereotypical pageant family we saw. Once again, there was no male figure involved in this family. We only saw the Wood matriarch and her 4-year-old daughter, Eden, who, as we were all helpfully informed by the chyron, is a "fan favourite and pageant veteran." Which, when you're 4-years-old, is pretty fucking sad. Among the other sad things that cropped up in the Woods' segments, was the revelation that the mom had spent upwards of $70k on pageants for her daughter (which is fucking astounding considering Eden has only been competing for, at most, 3.5 years). As my friends and I all instantly commented, fighting each other to be the first to say it, that money could have entirely financed Eden's college tuition...if she ever had a shot at getting into college in the first place which, let's be honest, ain't gonna happen.
Here you might call me somewhat unfair, and say that just because a girl does pageants as a toddler doesn't mean she won't grow up to be smart. Well let me let you in on one of the more peculiar Wood traditions we were privy to last night. Eden, like all toddlers-cum-divas, was prone to tantrums and histrionics during the interminable make-up and hairstyling sessions. Her mom, to distract her during this outbursts, began speaking to her daughter through "hand characters" called Billy-Bob (the left hand) and Bobby-Sue (the right hand).
(like this, but without any props or make-up--just the hand)
At first, my friends and I said "Well, that's actually kind of a cute and adorable thing for a parent of a testy 4-year-old to do to calm their child down." But then, as so often happens with Toddlers and Tiaras, pure pathos struck. Eden immediately confessed in an interview that Bobby-Sue and Billy-Bob were her "best friends in the world." This was followed by a montage of Eden treating the two hand-characters as though they were real people, at one point demanding that Billy-Bob "go back to [his] hidey-hole" after saying something offensive.
This was not the only depressing moment in Eden's screen-time. Despite the fact that Eden fucking cleaned house during the awards (5 first-place trophies out of a possible 6 for her age-group), my friends and I expressed vocal shock and outrage when she took first-place for the "Outfit of Choice" category. See, the tarts on this show spend most of the pageant dolled in up in dresses selected by their moms, which leads to a bevy of frills and lace, sequins and rhinestones. The "Outfit of Choice" is the one time in the pageant where the toddlers are permitted to prance around in outfits of their own choosing, which usually leads to some absolutely fucking hilarious get-ups...because they're fucking toddlers. More often than not, you see girls in overtly-sexualized outfits like sexy cowgirls, sexy cheerleaders, or sexy streewalkers (really, there's no other way to describe a pleather miniskirt, fishnet stockings, and a bright plastic pink halter top with blue eyeshadow to top it off). Eden, however, was light-years ahead of the girls, and came out in what her mother described as a glitzy "Vegas show-girl get-up." This included, as you might imagine, a terrifyingly tight bodice with no legs (thankfully Eden wore nylons), a massive peacock-esque tail, and a feathered headdress. Her on-stage routine while wearing this was predictably lewd, and it saw her doing the splits, blowing kisses to the crowd, and pushing her non-existent tits together and waggling her bosom while winking coquettishly. It's a good thing her mom already gifted her with a stripper's name.
The Sterlings
Where do I start with these people?
They made me hate my species.
The Sterling were the only family where the husband was present, albeit marginally. He was introduced as having serious concerns about his wife's inclusion of their daughters in beauty pageants. Why, you might ask? Because the daughters were compelled to compete against each other.
I'll give you a bit of backstory. The Sterlings have 4 daughters, but only two really matter-- 6-year-old fraternal twins with the unfortunate names of BreAnne and AshLynn. Right off the bat the Sterling mother (let's call her "Cunty Someone-should-call-Children's-Aid-on-me McBitch," or just McBitch) openly played favourites with her twins. She was introduced to us while explaining that "BreAnne is prettier...her nose is smaller, her mouth is cuter, and she just looks more like her mom." Cut to BreAnne explaining that she loves beauty pageants because she "loves winning." Cut to poor AshLynn who tells the cameras that she doesn't like beauty pageants because she "has to compete against her sister...and it's hard to win." Also, any time I mention something that AshLynn says, be sure to picture her sighing hopelessly and the dejectedly trailing off into silence afterwards--BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT SHE DID EVERY TIME SHE SPOKE ABOUT PAGEANTS that poor poor horribly mistreated girl.
See, when BreAnne is around, McBitch is all smiles and compliments, gushing to the nearby cameramen about "what a natural" she is, and "how great she is on stage" and how "fresh and pretty" her look is. But when AshLynn is anywhere to be found, it's all "AshLynn is so unnatural on stage" and "her smile just looks forced" and "she has no committment to her walk." Several times, the cameramen filmed AshLynn moping away with tears in her eyes while her mom heaped praise on BreAnne just because she's "prettier." I'm not even counting the number of times McBitch said something to the effect of "Why can't you be more like your sister?"
Honestly, I can't convey how fucking sad this family made my friends and I. The mom reduced AshLynn to tears on numerous occasions for no reason at all, and then would top it off by once again smothering BreAnne with compliments about how wonderful she is. This culminated in an absolutely excruciating exchange that I have to describe in detail:
During the pageant, both sisters compete against each other in the same age class. AshLynn handled the whole thing like a pro, whereas BreAnne threw a diva tantrum right before the last competition (talent). Thankfully, the father stepped in at this point and said to the mom "Your daughter is acting like a spoiled brat, and she needs to learn her lesson." So he pulled her from the talent competition, despite the mom's protests. This meant that BreAnne was also absent for the awards segment. Here's where it gets depressing.
AshLynn, out of fucking nowhere, took first in some category like "Most Improved" or "Best Effort" or "The judges are aware of what a fucking bitch your mom is and they don't want you to kill yourself award." BreAnne, however, despite missing one of the competitions entirely, placed third overall in her age class. The parents agreed that, because she needed to learn her lesson, they would not tell her she won. This led to a confessional with the two sisters, where AshLynn was gushing about her unexpected win and hoping for some support from her sister. Her sister had this to say "You didn't win. No, you didn't. I won. Mom told me. And she told me that I did better than you." Cue AshLynn's face fucking FALLING, tears welling up in her eyes, and hoarsely whispering "You weren't supposed to find out." Then BreAnne wrestled away her sister's trophy, pushed her silently crying sister out of frame, and smiled at the camera.
In short, the Sterling mom needs to be publicly executed, AshLynn needs to be adopted by a loving couple and BreAnne needs to spend some time as the overlooked child.