Merry Land
I'm in MD at Carrie's townhouse right now. I'll be leaving for the burg in the morning. It's been great fun! We went to the beach (I cried) in Ocean City... and just hung out and did crazy fun things! It's been so great just getting away from the house (Mom) and all of the drama there.
Dan is great; he and Carrie make a good team. They are disgustingly in love; they play "kissy face" all day long and it makes me sick! But I can't fault them just because I envy their happiness. And, truth be told, they are truly happy. I really am honestly glad to see Carrie this way. She deserves it. And I think Dan is good for her in many ways.
Spending time here makes me think a lot. The happy couple think I should move out to the coast and go to school with them' wouldn't that be wild? They like spending time with me, as do I with them, and they think I would be happy here. I don't know if it would be wise, however. I do have the option of moving in with Becca, though. We've been discussing that, actually. She says she'd love to have me, and I think I would be happy living with her. She offered to help me search for a job and even a school, since she is considering going back to school herself. Maybe this is a good idea. I know I'm not respected of anything at home, and honestly, I'm quite miserable there at times. I need to get away, to LIVE, and to make mistakes on my own and have to correct them on my own. But with that responsibility comes a freedom that I need at my age with my spirit. So, what I will do is make a plan, clear it with those it needs to be cleared with, and then put it in to action (talk to mom and dad) and see what wonderful things come of it. Discussing this with Carrie and Dan, I have felt so scared at the idea of just jumping out there. And I think a lot of that it the anxiety talking. But if I can work things out as I go to Ella more, perhaps I will be able to be more bold and have the bravery it takes to stand up to my fears. I need to be brave. I MUST be brave. But bravery without a net is stupidity to the Christian. What I need most is to seek God's will as I am able and then do what I think He wants, trusting that if I do it with good intensions and as much preparation as possible, He won't let me fall too far, and He will make things work out they way they need to.
It also wouldn't hurt for me to recognize that even now, I am right where I need to be, that there is purpose to this madness in Wonderland, and that things are working out as they need to in some way. I must lift my eyes and take in the source of my help and my hope.
Going to the burg tomorrow, as I have already stated. I'll stay until Thursday, I've decided. Justin Snyder is going to be out of town trying to stop his poor sister from ruining her life by getting married to the wrong guy, and after his valiant efforts are exhasted, he will be returning to town on Wednesday for the duration of the break. So, I'll stay one more night and hang out with him on that evening. I've got a dew things to do, and some people to see while I'm in town, so I'll be able to occupy myself until then. But I have to get home on Thursday: it's St. Patrick's Day, and I can't pass up the opportunity for corned beef. Not to mention... by then, I'll be broke. =(
I watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition tonight. I love that show, and every time I see it, I want to join them in their work. Nothing would make me happier. So, I decided, if I can't join the show, here's what needs to happen: I need to become the person I dream of being. I need to be optimistic, to see the good in things, like I really want to. I need to smile more, not falsely, but to choose to focus more on what is positive in a situation so as to hopefully see a solution to the negative. Failure is not an option. Neither is quitting. And love: love is most important. To be giving of myself, to be patient, and to care as much for others as I do myself, not more, but as much. To think of others before myself. Put others first, me second; to put OTHERS FIRST and ME SECOND -- say it like a mantra. It is important to take care of myself, but I am ultimately most happy when I serve others, and so is God most pleased, so I take care of myself IN ORDER THAT I MAY SERVE OTHERS. If I can truly meet these goals I have for myself, then I will be truly happy, I am sure of it. This is what is missing out on my life. I am missing focus. The reason I have no ambition or direction at this point in time has nothing to do with having no school or job, it has nothing to do with not being able to afford to go to LU, it has nothing to do with a possible change in my major. It is a result of a distorted focus. If I focus more on God, I will have a better sense of direction than I have now, and if I focus on others before myself and am selfless, I will have more satisfaction with my life than I have now. This is my resolve. This is what I want out of life, what I want to learn.
Bedtime: long trip tomorrow. I will miss my old and new friend, and my new-found home.
Dan is great; he and Carrie make a good team. They are disgustingly in love; they play "kissy face" all day long and it makes me sick! But I can't fault them just because I envy their happiness. And, truth be told, they are truly happy. I really am honestly glad to see Carrie this way. She deserves it. And I think Dan is good for her in many ways.
Spending time here makes me think a lot. The happy couple think I should move out to the coast and go to school with them' wouldn't that be wild? They like spending time with me, as do I with them, and they think I would be happy here. I don't know if it would be wise, however. I do have the option of moving in with Becca, though. We've been discussing that, actually. She says she'd love to have me, and I think I would be happy living with her. She offered to help me search for a job and even a school, since she is considering going back to school herself. Maybe this is a good idea. I know I'm not respected of anything at home, and honestly, I'm quite miserable there at times. I need to get away, to LIVE, and to make mistakes on my own and have to correct them on my own. But with that responsibility comes a freedom that I need at my age with my spirit. So, what I will do is make a plan, clear it with those it needs to be cleared with, and then put it in to action (talk to mom and dad) and see what wonderful things come of it. Discussing this with Carrie and Dan, I have felt so scared at the idea of just jumping out there. And I think a lot of that it the anxiety talking. But if I can work things out as I go to Ella more, perhaps I will be able to be more bold and have the bravery it takes to stand up to my fears. I need to be brave. I MUST be brave. But bravery without a net is stupidity to the Christian. What I need most is to seek God's will as I am able and then do what I think He wants, trusting that if I do it with good intensions and as much preparation as possible, He won't let me fall too far, and He will make things work out they way they need to.
It also wouldn't hurt for me to recognize that even now, I am right where I need to be, that there is purpose to this madness in Wonderland, and that things are working out as they need to in some way. I must lift my eyes and take in the source of my help and my hope.
Going to the burg tomorrow, as I have already stated. I'll stay until Thursday, I've decided. Justin Snyder is going to be out of town trying to stop his poor sister from ruining her life by getting married to the wrong guy, and after his valiant efforts are exhasted, he will be returning to town on Wednesday for the duration of the break. So, I'll stay one more night and hang out with him on that evening. I've got a dew things to do, and some people to see while I'm in town, so I'll be able to occupy myself until then. But I have to get home on Thursday: it's St. Patrick's Day, and I can't pass up the opportunity for corned beef. Not to mention... by then, I'll be broke. =(
I watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition tonight. I love that show, and every time I see it, I want to join them in their work. Nothing would make me happier. So, I decided, if I can't join the show, here's what needs to happen: I need to become the person I dream of being. I need to be optimistic, to see the good in things, like I really want to. I need to smile more, not falsely, but to choose to focus more on what is positive in a situation so as to hopefully see a solution to the negative. Failure is not an option. Neither is quitting. And love: love is most important. To be giving of myself, to be patient, and to care as much for others as I do myself, not more, but as much. To think of others before myself. Put others first, me second; to put OTHERS FIRST and ME SECOND -- say it like a mantra. It is important to take care of myself, but I am ultimately most happy when I serve others, and so is God most pleased, so I take care of myself IN ORDER THAT I MAY SERVE OTHERS. If I can truly meet these goals I have for myself, then I will be truly happy, I am sure of it. This is what is missing out on my life. I am missing focus. The reason I have no ambition or direction at this point in time has nothing to do with having no school or job, it has nothing to do with not being able to afford to go to LU, it has nothing to do with a possible change in my major. It is a result of a distorted focus. If I focus more on God, I will have a better sense of direction than I have now, and if I focus on others before myself and am selfless, I will have more satisfaction with my life than I have now. This is my resolve. This is what I want out of life, what I want to learn.
Bedtime: long trip tomorrow. I will miss my old and new friend, and my new-found home.