"cus i'd rather feel pain than nothing at all..."
i don't even really know what to say to be honest. i feel so much right now. filled with so much. too much to grasp and focus on...so it's all just floating around freely. i'm sure the gravity of reality will cause it all to crash down on me. if i stopped for just a second to think about it, i am sure that i'd break open, seams bursting, pieces flying out and about never to return. tears have leaked out once or twice but i've managed to keep it under control. the amount of tears shed would be devestating. but i cannot let these feelings out of their cage. i feel like i should scream and cry and shout, but i don't think any words would come out. i'm afraid if i actually said what i was feeling i could never get back to good again. i want to cry and cry and cry and cry. because i know that if i let it out that it would hurt so badly. so locked up in my chest, heavy, so heavy is where it stays until i know what to do with it. or choose to let the storm take me down.
i'm amazed my still alive. i really am. ever just felt so much pain that your whole body just siezes up and you can't move or breathe you can only scream and cry. you shiver and you quiver and you can't move, you can only curl up and hope to die. i've felt this way a few times over the past few months, and everytime i just pray and am desperate that it's the last time i'll feel that way, at least for a while. but no. misery kicks in my door again and there's nothing i can do as it rapes and pilages. stripping all progress. on my knees again.
that's not where i am at now. but i'm on razor's edge. tread too lightly you fall off, tread to heavily you get cut. it's all about a very very very delicate balance. i don't know what the right thing to do is anymore. i don't know what feels good and what hurts and what the difference is between the two. is it only a matter of outcomes...what happens in the end...it's consequences...are those what makes something a good or bad thing. how about how it feels when you are right in the middle of doing it? i guess i just need to be thankful that things even happen at all???
i can't really tell you what it is that keeps me thinking about him. you just love who you love. i don't know if it's always gonna be this way. but i just know i can't stop thinking about him. his eyes. i'm not angry or sad about it. i honestly don't know how it feels. i can't give you any words. i wish i could just take your hand and you would feel it inside the way that i do. or maybe you know. maybe he knows too. but i'll never know for sure. but i know this...he felt it. i know it.
i'm amazed my still alive. i really am. ever just felt so much pain that your whole body just siezes up and you can't move or breathe you can only scream and cry. you shiver and you quiver and you can't move, you can only curl up and hope to die. i've felt this way a few times over the past few months, and everytime i just pray and am desperate that it's the last time i'll feel that way, at least for a while. but no. misery kicks in my door again and there's nothing i can do as it rapes and pilages. stripping all progress. on my knees again.
that's not where i am at now. but i'm on razor's edge. tread too lightly you fall off, tread to heavily you get cut. it's all about a very very very delicate balance. i don't know what the right thing to do is anymore. i don't know what feels good and what hurts and what the difference is between the two. is it only a matter of outcomes...what happens in the end...it's consequences...are those what makes something a good or bad thing. how about how it feels when you are right in the middle of doing it? i guess i just need to be thankful that things even happen at all???
i can't really tell you what it is that keeps me thinking about him. you just love who you love. i don't know if it's always gonna be this way. but i just know i can't stop thinking about him. his eyes. i'm not angry or sad about it. i honestly don't know how it feels. i can't give you any words. i wish i could just take your hand and you would feel it inside the way that i do. or maybe you know. maybe he knows too. but i'll never know for sure. but i know this...he felt it. i know it.