hmmm...back to the drawing board...

Dec 31, 2006 06:08

It is increasingly difficult to remain un-jaded by single life. I know it has not been very long but the amount of disappointments is just in excess. it's hard to establish that balance between being available and not being desperate about it. but at the same time i just can't help but get my hopes up. i'm impatient, that's true. i will admit that openly. and i realize fully that this may cloud proper judgement and logic about certain situations, especially those involving men, however; i don't think that is an excuse for the amount of let downs. my expectations are not high at all. i think i may even be lowering them (yes, desperation, i realize this) because this is just rediculous. i am lead to believe that i have found someone that is at least half decent only to find out that they are someone totally different then what i'd hoped they'd be. yes, key word 'hoped' and i can't control reality versus what i've decided in my head, however, like i said before i don't expect much, and yet...it seems to be damn near impossible to find anything close to what i'd like to find, dammit, i can't even seem to find "ok, i'll deal with that."

I know i am not hopeless, i'm not whining and droning on about how there is no one in this world for me, because i know that is completely false. i just feel like time is running out...yes yes YES, i KNOW i'm only 19, however i'm swiftly approaching the stage of single life that is labeled "impatient, jaded, bitch", "icewoman", "cynical hag"...blah blah...you know what i mean. Where when if i even uncover the slightest sign that he's not 'mr. perfect' I run and get the hell out of there. I don't know if it's just that i don't feel like dealing with imperfections or the bullshit or whatever it is that makes me want to rip their faces off when they aren't perfectly wonderful for just a second, or if it's something else entirely. it could be that i'm scared of being disapointed later on when i have stronger feelings. i'm swaying towards this 'phase' being a sort of defense mechanism. i'll admit, it hurt pretty bad this last time, and I'll be damned if I let someone hurt me that badly again. And i suppose if it means that i'm going to be single and cynical for a lil while, then I guess that's how it is going to be. I know there is someone out there is this big world that's going to make me a very happy woman, i know this. It is just the waiting and the dating in between. I'm just afraid i'm going to screw something good up because i'm still so messed up over my last relationship. That my being overly critical and harsh will drive them away. Or that my lovey dovey attentiveness will make they feel smothered. I can't find the balance. I'm still spending a lot of time looking inside of myself and finding what's there, but i want someone to do that with. to take that journey of self discovery with me. I like to share,but everyone else seems to love hording the goods, you know? Most people now are just so into their own lives and stuck inside their own heads and so bent on doing things they way they've always done them that the concept of change or compromise is simply infathomable to them.

I refuse to bend so completely to the will of another ever again. I feel what i feel, and I am who I am, and that needs to be fully and wholly accepted and appreciated. I will not accept critizism about how i feel, or how my thought process works. I will however accept observations and suggestions. I've embraced myself as an emotional person who is very sensitive and volatile at times. I've taken the steps to deal with certain other health issues I have that can have a negative impact on my daily life. I expect that these efforts be appreciated, and that support be given by those who care. I will defend myself against anything i find offensive. I am passionate about my opinions and feelings. If it means that i do not accept different opinions on a matter, it is not because i am closed minded to other views, i just simply disagree with them, and find my own conclusions more reasonable. I spend a lot of time thinking about many many things, mostly dealing with every day human life. I am a very deep and skilled observer of behaviors. If i draw a conclusion about something, please, do not take it lightly, because whether you believe it or not, I've spent time thinking about it.

I can come off as a bitch or cranky at times, but the chances are if I am acting this way, something is wrong. I am NOT a bitchy cranky person, it is NOT part of who I am, please do not accept this is as such. It is probably because i feel something that i have trouble explaining or it is something that i don't know how to talk about or when to talk about it. It causes a great deal of inner stress and it comes out as bitchiness. I am human, what can i say?

One other thing that is very very important for someone to know about me, is that, please please PLEASE do not ever ask me if i've taken my medications. If i am cranky or overly sensitive, do not assume it's because i have not taken my pills. the fact that i am on medicine has nothing to do with how things make me feel. the medicine helps me to deal with my feelings in a healthy way, not dull them out and make me numb. If i am upset with you or something else that is in some way a pain in your ass, think for a second that perhaps it was something you did to piss me off, and not the fact that i didn't take my meds. How i feel is really quite unrelated to how my medicine works. The meds work to help me react to situations and my own feelings in a way that is healthy for myself and others. They do not affect how things make me feel. If i'm upset...I am upset, not behind on a dose. Please take this to heart. Nothing makes me feel weaker and more out of control then being reminded constantly that I need to depend on chemical drugs to be 'normal'. I pick on myself and poke fun at them...but really...i hate having to take them. It makes me feel trapped at times. Nobody wants to have to depend on anything. So yeah...enough about that, but please don't forget what I said about it.

Well, i just needed to get some things off of my chest once again. I predict a bit more of a rought patch coming up ahead, so i'm going to work on bracing myself...wish me luck!

-N.
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