Lots of mixed feelings today
I can't complain about my life, I really can't. I have a wonderful husband, two precious children, lots of wonderful friends from around the world. My husband has a job. We have a roof over our heads and food to eat, even if it isn't quite as good as I would like to be able to afford. I have been having a lot of fun figuring out nalbinding and have a few orders for earrings for Christmas which gave me a chance to develop a few new tatting patterns. I recently discovered Lynda Carter's singing (NEVER had a clue before that she could sing, and WOW, can she EVER!) and have a decent playlist of her songs stored up on Youtube that I have been able to listen to and enjoy. It's not as good as having them on CD or as MP3s, but it works. I shouldn't feel like something is missing, but today I do.
I had a dream last night that I got pregnant again. And I was terrified. I barely lived through Lee's delivery. I don't even want to know what another attempt would do to me. And yet waking up to find it was ONLY a dream depressed me. I want another baby SO bad, I want another chance. I yearn, more than anything to have a pregnancy actually make it to term, to learn what it feels like to go into labor spontaneously rather than because someone pumped pitocin into me. Not that pitocin would work again anyway, I barely responded to it with Lee. At least until he kicked my water open. Anyway, it's a stupid little pity party, I should get over it, but somehow I am still depressed about it hours later. I think it has something to do with the fact that one of my brothers has a tiny baby, my other brother's wife is pregnant, one of my cousins has a new baby, and two of my cousins are pregnant as well. Kinda feels like babies are being rubbed in my face from every direction. I'm happy for them, especially since my twin cousin has been trying for this for SO long, but it still makes the hole in my heart ache.
K. Pity party over. I'll try and have a happy entry next time, but I had to get this out. Too often lately I post what I am feeling on facebook and forget about my journal. I need to remember to write stuff here too. Maybe someday I will be able to look back at this and laugh.
I had a dream last night that I got pregnant again. And I was terrified. I barely lived through Lee's delivery. I don't even want to know what another attempt would do to me. And yet waking up to find it was ONLY a dream depressed me. I want another baby SO bad, I want another chance. I yearn, more than anything to have a pregnancy actually make it to term, to learn what it feels like to go into labor spontaneously rather than because someone pumped pitocin into me. Not that pitocin would work again anyway, I barely responded to it with Lee. At least until he kicked my water open. Anyway, it's a stupid little pity party, I should get over it, but somehow I am still depressed about it hours later. I think it has something to do with the fact that one of my brothers has a tiny baby, my other brother's wife is pregnant, one of my cousins has a new baby, and two of my cousins are pregnant as well. Kinda feels like babies are being rubbed in my face from every direction. I'm happy for them, especially since my twin cousin has been trying for this for SO long, but it still makes the hole in my heart ache.
K. Pity party over. I'll try and have a happy entry next time, but I had to get this out. Too often lately I post what I am feeling on facebook and forget about my journal. I need to remember to write stuff here too. Maybe someday I will be able to look back at this and laugh.