(no subject)
Hi gents and gals,
I'm sorry but this will be a long post. If you think it's disturbing just delete it. I just want to write, to write, to write, but not for myself but so that others read. But, to save space on your community, the cut.
I had heard the name Aspergers first quite some years ago, though I don't remember where. I didn't study and look into it. I didn't really trust anything psychological, never been my cup of tea in my past. It seemed like a sort of thing women would do, and though I didn't admit it to myself openly I never really trusted women, which I think has to do with my condition and my somewhat strange relationship to my mother and my 3 elder sisters.
I can't really say for sure that I have Aspergers. Though I really have many of the symptoms ascribed to it, there is a problem, which is that I am diagnosed and treates for schizophrenia. My discovery of the Asperger Syndrome is very new, so I had no chance yet to discuss it with my doctor. Fortunately I have a wonderful doctor who doesn't mind to engage in any kind of discussion with me when I visit him, be that discussions of philosophy, religious worldviews, theology, art, whatever I come to him with. I guess certain symptoms I had are so classically schizophrenic that no one thought of Aspergers. I mean, for a time in my life I heard voices and had hallucinations. I also respond to an antipsychotic medicine called Olanzapine, a medicine that essentially got me out of near catatony and saved me from drowning in the hell of my horrors.
Yet when I look through the list of Asperger Symptoms I find so much that resonates with me deeply. For one, my schizophrenia began with 22, and the Asperger Symptoms I can see in my life from its beginning, presenting themselves to me flat in the face. I have poor social skills, and I'm not sure if I have what I think others have, an efficient intuition. That obsessive interest thing also rings true, which is games of certain kinds. When I was a kid I had play modules and little figures of indians, cowboys, knights, soldiers, and I could play with them to no end. I have trouble keeping order in my life. I was quite a messie for a long time, and occasionally I still end up with a clutter in my room. Recently I managed to realize that it's all my life and my tidyness-obsessed mother can't really rule into my life anymore. What I mean is that I learned how to do some small things every day, and when there is a clutter I slowly clean it up over the course of a day, going out inbetween, just doing a little after a little. In a way, it's like my father does garden work, always a little, and doing something else, then another little. Much better than being called to make a cleaning fest. I do have trouble keeping focussed on what exceeds my oftentimes freaky interests. I also have this thing to take things more literal than people expect, and I have trouble "reading" someone else, that whole reading between the lines thing. Before I got the schizophrenia, this wasn't so much trouble, I often saw the whole stuff as humorous, I tried to laugh about them, and as a kid it was an adult's thing to make suggestions I noticed but which I couldn't interpret. I read at wikipedia that people with Asperger Syndrom can see possible meanings of what is said between the lines, yet they don't know which interpretation is right amongst the countless possible ones. Exactly that sort of thing really started to bother me when the schizophrenia took off, during a time when I had a traumatic event having to do with a too-much of stuff happening that was heavy to me, while I was not expecting this to happen and was hit by it like from a bus.
I don't know if you can relate to what I say now, but what I feel now is relief. I can't tell how many thoughts I followed to find what was wrong with me. The average people's thoughts are cruel! My mother, from when I was little, kept telling me that she sensed that something's wrong with me, that I'm labile how she put it, as if that were a moral failure. My schizophrenia enticed me to explore religion, christianity, oh man what a bad idea. Suddenly all my shortcomings were the result of free choice and my failure to deal with my sins. No matter how much the relative order of the elaborate christian theologies appealed to me, no matter how obsessed of religion I became, I was never happy with it. I don't want to hurt anyone here who is christian, I still do like some elements of it like the Epistle of James and a few isolated verses of the rest of the book. But this whole hell for anyone who doesn't believe just can't be justice, I always thought so, I always felt so, and that's why I have to decide between hating God or assuming he doesn't exist. I also found in the wikipedia that Aspies have a greater sense for justice than average people, in the sense that anyone gets the same. Is that really so common amongst us? I mean, when I was little I also had a little childlike belief in God, without ever reading the bible because the language seemed to sluggish. But in my belief, anyone would be saved, I thought some day Christ would come and talk with us all and after telling us what went wrong we'd all march through a gate into the next world of paradise. Since I loved science fiction that included that then space flight would be done and we'd colonize space and meet aliens being led by their own Jesusses. Man, I'm still madly in love with this belief I once had and which I cannot have anymore.
I'm so anxious to meet my doctor soon and talk about this with him. I may not be a full Asperger, but maybe there are degrees? LOL .. I even want to call myself an Aspie, finally knowing that it's me and not some curse on me. And I want to meet other Aspies to see how they are and if between them and me there maybe isn't this fucking glasswall. Man, this is so great that I have found this over the internet.
Well, but you might ask yourself why I am writing this in a community for people both aspie and trans. I'm not dead-certain, but I think I might qualify as an autogynaekophilic. I do have a normal heterosexual sex-drive and so far never fell in love with a man, but somehow I can't completely identify myself with myself as a man. I'm also not very experienced sexually, I certainly lack the sharp self-esteem which quite a few other people possess. My problem is that when I encounter such people they arouse me, but in the same time they anger me. Partly because I don't know how to respond, partly ... nah, I guess it's only the first thing. I dislike the feeling of someone having so much power over me while in me the arousal grows and isn't satisfied. That autogynaeko thing gave me some release from that stuff, for a time, though I also have frequent episodes of self-loating because of it. I know I'm no really trans like the others here because I feel no hostility towards my male gender even when I am often feeling unfamiliar to myself. I have no problems at all that I sit here and have a beard and masculine features and a cock. It's malish behaviour that bugs me, the testosteron-steaming rivalry, the nastyness, the narrow views. Because I can't stand this in others I hate to see it in myself as well, and by this self-inhibition without being able to transform myself into a new man, I think I kinda remove myself from power, from a certain distinctly male drive. I guess another thing that has to do with it is that I likely have a low level of testosteron. For example, when I masturbate my ejaculation is mostly rather small, perhaps a big spoon full, not much else. In real sex it's different, but I never get there because I either can't get along with the girl to make it happen, or because I get bored with it. I once wanted to break the ice and visited a prostitute. She sat herself on me and began to work. After a few minutes I broke out in laughter. Does Aspergers make one a child forever?
I really have something of a child in many ways. My old childhood interest of playing has remained pretty much the same, a computer and games, particularly RPG's with much freedom, have been my trusty companion for many years. The more I have learned through good books, through my own life experience and through movies and through of my precious few good friends, the more I realize it's a childish thing. But in the same time the appeal of finding a girlfriend that is eccentric enough to have the same hobby, that would be a whipped cream dream. Perhaps even a t-girl in my age, but I never met anyone of the transgender community except over the net.
Uf, I'm at the end of my writing spree for now. Hope I didn't bother you and of course you're all welcome to reply and make me happy. I added a photo just so that you know my face. I love photos and like to mess around with them. I wish I could bring myself to draw more, but in the meantime, the camera helps out.
I'm sorry but this will be a long post. If you think it's disturbing just delete it. I just want to write, to write, to write, but not for myself but so that others read. But, to save space on your community, the cut.
I had heard the name Aspergers first quite some years ago, though I don't remember where. I didn't study and look into it. I didn't really trust anything psychological, never been my cup of tea in my past. It seemed like a sort of thing women would do, and though I didn't admit it to myself openly I never really trusted women, which I think has to do with my condition and my somewhat strange relationship to my mother and my 3 elder sisters.
I can't really say for sure that I have Aspergers. Though I really have many of the symptoms ascribed to it, there is a problem, which is that I am diagnosed and treates for schizophrenia. My discovery of the Asperger Syndrome is very new, so I had no chance yet to discuss it with my doctor. Fortunately I have a wonderful doctor who doesn't mind to engage in any kind of discussion with me when I visit him, be that discussions of philosophy, religious worldviews, theology, art, whatever I come to him with. I guess certain symptoms I had are so classically schizophrenic that no one thought of Aspergers. I mean, for a time in my life I heard voices and had hallucinations. I also respond to an antipsychotic medicine called Olanzapine, a medicine that essentially got me out of near catatony and saved me from drowning in the hell of my horrors.
Yet when I look through the list of Asperger Symptoms I find so much that resonates with me deeply. For one, my schizophrenia began with 22, and the Asperger Symptoms I can see in my life from its beginning, presenting themselves to me flat in the face. I have poor social skills, and I'm not sure if I have what I think others have, an efficient intuition. That obsessive interest thing also rings true, which is games of certain kinds. When I was a kid I had play modules and little figures of indians, cowboys, knights, soldiers, and I could play with them to no end. I have trouble keeping order in my life. I was quite a messie for a long time, and occasionally I still end up with a clutter in my room. Recently I managed to realize that it's all my life and my tidyness-obsessed mother can't really rule into my life anymore. What I mean is that I learned how to do some small things every day, and when there is a clutter I slowly clean it up over the course of a day, going out inbetween, just doing a little after a little. In a way, it's like my father does garden work, always a little, and doing something else, then another little. Much better than being called to make a cleaning fest. I do have trouble keeping focussed on what exceeds my oftentimes freaky interests. I also have this thing to take things more literal than people expect, and I have trouble "reading" someone else, that whole reading between the lines thing. Before I got the schizophrenia, this wasn't so much trouble, I often saw the whole stuff as humorous, I tried to laugh about them, and as a kid it was an adult's thing to make suggestions I noticed but which I couldn't interpret. I read at wikipedia that people with Asperger Syndrom can see possible meanings of what is said between the lines, yet they don't know which interpretation is right amongst the countless possible ones. Exactly that sort of thing really started to bother me when the schizophrenia took off, during a time when I had a traumatic event having to do with a too-much of stuff happening that was heavy to me, while I was not expecting this to happen and was hit by it like from a bus.
I don't know if you can relate to what I say now, but what I feel now is relief. I can't tell how many thoughts I followed to find what was wrong with me. The average people's thoughts are cruel! My mother, from when I was little, kept telling me that she sensed that something's wrong with me, that I'm labile how she put it, as if that were a moral failure. My schizophrenia enticed me to explore religion, christianity, oh man what a bad idea. Suddenly all my shortcomings were the result of free choice and my failure to deal with my sins. No matter how much the relative order of the elaborate christian theologies appealed to me, no matter how obsessed of religion I became, I was never happy with it. I don't want to hurt anyone here who is christian, I still do like some elements of it like the Epistle of James and a few isolated verses of the rest of the book. But this whole hell for anyone who doesn't believe just can't be justice, I always thought so, I always felt so, and that's why I have to decide between hating God or assuming he doesn't exist. I also found in the wikipedia that Aspies have a greater sense for justice than average people, in the sense that anyone gets the same. Is that really so common amongst us? I mean, when I was little I also had a little childlike belief in God, without ever reading the bible because the language seemed to sluggish. But in my belief, anyone would be saved, I thought some day Christ would come and talk with us all and after telling us what went wrong we'd all march through a gate into the next world of paradise. Since I loved science fiction that included that then space flight would be done and we'd colonize space and meet aliens being led by their own Jesusses. Man, I'm still madly in love with this belief I once had and which I cannot have anymore.
I'm so anxious to meet my doctor soon and talk about this with him. I may not be a full Asperger, but maybe there are degrees? LOL .. I even want to call myself an Aspie, finally knowing that it's me and not some curse on me. And I want to meet other Aspies to see how they are and if between them and me there maybe isn't this fucking glasswall. Man, this is so great that I have found this over the internet.
Well, but you might ask yourself why I am writing this in a community for people both aspie and trans. I'm not dead-certain, but I think I might qualify as an autogynaekophilic. I do have a normal heterosexual sex-drive and so far never fell in love with a man, but somehow I can't completely identify myself with myself as a man. I'm also not very experienced sexually, I certainly lack the sharp self-esteem which quite a few other people possess. My problem is that when I encounter such people they arouse me, but in the same time they anger me. Partly because I don't know how to respond, partly ... nah, I guess it's only the first thing. I dislike the feeling of someone having so much power over me while in me the arousal grows and isn't satisfied. That autogynaeko thing gave me some release from that stuff, for a time, though I also have frequent episodes of self-loating because of it. I know I'm no really trans like the others here because I feel no hostility towards my male gender even when I am often feeling unfamiliar to myself. I have no problems at all that I sit here and have a beard and masculine features and a cock. It's malish behaviour that bugs me, the testosteron-steaming rivalry, the nastyness, the narrow views. Because I can't stand this in others I hate to see it in myself as well, and by this self-inhibition without being able to transform myself into a new man, I think I kinda remove myself from power, from a certain distinctly male drive. I guess another thing that has to do with it is that I likely have a low level of testosteron. For example, when I masturbate my ejaculation is mostly rather small, perhaps a big spoon full, not much else. In real sex it's different, but I never get there because I either can't get along with the girl to make it happen, or because I get bored with it. I once wanted to break the ice and visited a prostitute. She sat herself on me and began to work. After a few minutes I broke out in laughter. Does Aspergers make one a child forever?
I really have something of a child in many ways. My old childhood interest of playing has remained pretty much the same, a computer and games, particularly RPG's with much freedom, have been my trusty companion for many years. The more I have learned through good books, through my own life experience and through movies and through of my precious few good friends, the more I realize it's a childish thing. But in the same time the appeal of finding a girlfriend that is eccentric enough to have the same hobby, that would be a whipped cream dream. Perhaps even a t-girl in my age, but I never met anyone of the transgender community except over the net.
Uf, I'm at the end of my writing spree for now. Hope I didn't bother you and of course you're all welcome to reply and make me happy. I added a photo just so that you know my face. I love photos and like to mess around with them. I wish I could bring myself to draw more, but in the meantime, the camera helps out.