(no subject)
I feel like this semester I have just been quietly digging myself into a hole in my personal life and now I'm like "wow yep I sure am in this hole" like that photoset of Doug from Up. Like caring about whether my friends like me has stopped seeming so urgent, I've kind of accepted that we're not as close as we could be. Tonight I was watching this reality show about rescue dogs and I was like "man I am so fucking lonely, I want a pet or a significant other so I will have someone who cares about me and shows me plenty of affection and makes me feel wanted and important." Which is a stupid reason to want a dating partner and I don't have any crushes or w/e right now so that's probably not going to happen. But seriously though I would adopt the shit out of a dog right now if I was in a place living situation-wise and money-wise where that was possible.
Today was the last day of group for the semester and it was short and kind of superficial precisely because it was the last one so we mostly debriefed how we felt about how it had gone and tried not to get into any new stuff since we're going on break and may or may not be in group again together next semester. I talked about how I felt like it was kind of short and we kind of had to choose between hearing people's individual stories and making broader connections as a group and we chose individual stories and then I explained why I felt like I hadn't shared as much as other people (which was mostly a time constraint bc I feel like if it had gone on longer I would have finally talked more) and I felt like a piece of shit because suddenly the attention was on me and I felt self-conscious and I felt like I was bringing up negative shit that no one else cared about and leaving things unresolved maybe or making the facilitators feel like they hadn't done a good enough job. But also I was kind of frustrated because I feel like I'm finally getting to the point where I'm ready to really open up about shit but it's still hard to do without prompting and I know I would feel guilty about it and also the semester is pretty much over. I scheduled an appointment with my individual therapist for Wednesday and I want to hopefully try to get real about shit but idk how well that would go and I'm nervous about it. Because like what do I even say "I've been depressed on and off for most of 2014 and I'm tired of it, what do I do about this" since that's basically what I want to talk about but I'll probably waste half the session with small talk about break and finals and maybe following up with the friends thing since that's all we ever talk about, and like what can she even do to help me anyway, the semester is over and it's not like we can have another session next week.
But like I'm kind of nervous about break. Because I have no clue what's going to happen, like am I suddenly going to start feeling better because I feel more supported at home or am I going to feel like shit only for different reasons, like both things have happened in the school-vacation transition in the past and idk what's coming up next. I feel like the most likely scenario is that it'll be great at first, especially since we're going to Disneyland and I'm excited about that, but then I'll crash either around Christmas-shopping time or between Christmas and New Year's or something and then feel like shit again. I don't know if at any point I'm going to suddenly start feeling better again for no discernible reason (as has happened in the past) or if I'm stuck like this, like I'm living in fog, where it's not bad enough I can't function but still not pleasant. I feel like I used to be so much more optimistic and excited to be around my friends and even a little bit more self-confident and I want to be that person again. I feel like I don't live up to the fandom affiliations I claim as my own, like being a Gryffindor (because I feel weak and cowardly and pathetic) and being a hero of Hope (because I don't feel very hopeful or optimistic).
I made a post on tumblr today about how I am so bored but I don't want to do anything so I just try to waste time until it's time to go to bed, which has happened pretty regularly this past week at night. I want to watch things over break, but idk if I will motivate myself to do so. I want to write but it's so hard to get started and to keep going. If I really try I can get myself in the Nano type headspace of "just write shit and don't care if it's good as long as you keep going" but it's hard and feels like it's not worth it or something. But I feel like I've had writer's block for months (save for a few times I actually get my shit together and write something) and I don't like it. I want to write more over winter break because I will have more time but there's the same question of "will I really get around to it."
I want to do more art stuff, like at the kitten shower at Chain's apartment on Saturday they had a bunch of coloring books and really nice markers and I colored a bunch and it was super fun and I want to try painting, so I'm really hoping I get a Michael's gift card for Christmas but idk if I will because I feel like my family doesn't realize I also like art and it's not just my sister who does. Even if I don't though I will probably buy myself supplies anyway but I'm just kind of stressed about money right now because even though I have a fair amount, it's like $200 less than for most of the semester since I spent a bunch of money buying my friends presents and also random little expenses like buying food and drinks and shit. And I will get paid a little bit more for my last week of work, but not a ton, and then we're going to Disneyland and I know I will want to buy expensive things probably. At least I'll be working more hours next semester and thus will get paid more. I'm like looking forward to things about the future yet also not looking forward to it. Idk it's weird, I think I ran out of things to say in this entry. Maybe I will go to bed soon-ish so I can wake up early enough to have tons of time to finish the essays I have to finish tomorrow.
Today was the last day of group for the semester and it was short and kind of superficial precisely because it was the last one so we mostly debriefed how we felt about how it had gone and tried not to get into any new stuff since we're going on break and may or may not be in group again together next semester. I talked about how I felt like it was kind of short and we kind of had to choose between hearing people's individual stories and making broader connections as a group and we chose individual stories and then I explained why I felt like I hadn't shared as much as other people (which was mostly a time constraint bc I feel like if it had gone on longer I would have finally talked more) and I felt like a piece of shit because suddenly the attention was on me and I felt self-conscious and I felt like I was bringing up negative shit that no one else cared about and leaving things unresolved maybe or making the facilitators feel like they hadn't done a good enough job. But also I was kind of frustrated because I feel like I'm finally getting to the point where I'm ready to really open up about shit but it's still hard to do without prompting and I know I would feel guilty about it and also the semester is pretty much over. I scheduled an appointment with my individual therapist for Wednesday and I want to hopefully try to get real about shit but idk how well that would go and I'm nervous about it. Because like what do I even say "I've been depressed on and off for most of 2014 and I'm tired of it, what do I do about this" since that's basically what I want to talk about but I'll probably waste half the session with small talk about break and finals and maybe following up with the friends thing since that's all we ever talk about, and like what can she even do to help me anyway, the semester is over and it's not like we can have another session next week.
But like I'm kind of nervous about break. Because I have no clue what's going to happen, like am I suddenly going to start feeling better because I feel more supported at home or am I going to feel like shit only for different reasons, like both things have happened in the school-vacation transition in the past and idk what's coming up next. I feel like the most likely scenario is that it'll be great at first, especially since we're going to Disneyland and I'm excited about that, but then I'll crash either around Christmas-shopping time or between Christmas and New Year's or something and then feel like shit again. I don't know if at any point I'm going to suddenly start feeling better again for no discernible reason (as has happened in the past) or if I'm stuck like this, like I'm living in fog, where it's not bad enough I can't function but still not pleasant. I feel like I used to be so much more optimistic and excited to be around my friends and even a little bit more self-confident and I want to be that person again. I feel like I don't live up to the fandom affiliations I claim as my own, like being a Gryffindor (because I feel weak and cowardly and pathetic) and being a hero of Hope (because I don't feel very hopeful or optimistic).
I made a post on tumblr today about how I am so bored but I don't want to do anything so I just try to waste time until it's time to go to bed, which has happened pretty regularly this past week at night. I want to watch things over break, but idk if I will motivate myself to do so. I want to write but it's so hard to get started and to keep going. If I really try I can get myself in the Nano type headspace of "just write shit and don't care if it's good as long as you keep going" but it's hard and feels like it's not worth it or something. But I feel like I've had writer's block for months (save for a few times I actually get my shit together and write something) and I don't like it. I want to write more over winter break because I will have more time but there's the same question of "will I really get around to it."
I want to do more art stuff, like at the kitten shower at Chain's apartment on Saturday they had a bunch of coloring books and really nice markers and I colored a bunch and it was super fun and I want to try painting, so I'm really hoping I get a Michael's gift card for Christmas but idk if I will because I feel like my family doesn't realize I also like art and it's not just my sister who does. Even if I don't though I will probably buy myself supplies anyway but I'm just kind of stressed about money right now because even though I have a fair amount, it's like $200 less than for most of the semester since I spent a bunch of money buying my friends presents and also random little expenses like buying food and drinks and shit. And I will get paid a little bit more for my last week of work, but not a ton, and then we're going to Disneyland and I know I will want to buy expensive things probably. At least I'll be working more hours next semester and thus will get paid more. I'm like looking forward to things about the future yet also not looking forward to it. Idk it's weird, I think I ran out of things to say in this entry. Maybe I will go to bed soon-ish so I can wake up early enough to have tons of time to finish the essays I have to finish tomorrow.