Family Issues: Drowning
I'm 20, live with my parents, and pretty sure I'm slowly going insane. My mother's pretty much convinced herself I was misdiagnosed, and my dad who has been labeled with an antisocial disorder is convinced he has Aspergers. So if I take concerns or simply vent to my mom she tends to undermine, qualify, or explain away everything I'm going through leaving me feeling broken, wrong, and drained. If I talk to my dad he tells me he's gone through the same thing and then twists and shapes my experience/issue until it meets his. If I tell him it's NOT the same, he either doesn't listen, or becomes aggressive. Even if my dad IS Aspergers I just want someone to listen to me and actually hear ME. I'm not a mini-him, despite our similarities.
I feel like neither parent takes what I say or deal with seriously. My mom is a lot better, trying at least to understand even if she doesn't think I have any problems that can't be solved with "letting go" of my "mental blocks", but I still feel like the piece that doesn't fit. I'm expected to do things I've proven time and again I don't know how to do without outside help, which I'm supposed to pick up instead of being taught (she usually says she isn't qualified) and she seems disappointed when I fail. It's wearing me down.
My main issue with my dad is his quick temper, which he blames on Aspergers and therefore since it's not his fault, routinely asks us to accommodate. I realize males and females with Aspergers are different, but I do everything I can to make sure the people I have meltdowns around know that it's a reaction to a situation not them, and keep as much of it internal as I can, or ask to be alone and ride it out until I can be reasonable again. My dad actively lashes out at us, with words specifically geared to hurt, follows us if we try to leave, and can hold onto things for days. If we bring any past behavior up he snaps that we're being unforgiving and to hold someone's past behavior against them is despicable and wrong. Afterward he expects us to apologize for setting him off, even if there was no clear or an uncontrollable trigger.
When he tries to bond with me over "meltdowns" I point out that I don't explode, I close down. He responds that he was just like that when he was younger, and implies that I'll probably do the same as him when I'm older. This scares the crap out of me. I don't want to be him; I see how much he hurts my mom and my sister and I. When I hurt people because of aspie things, I apologize, explain, and try not to do it again, I don't use Asperger's as an excuse to keep doing it. I DON'T LIKE IT when others are in pain, I actively avoid it when I notice/am told, occasionally to great personal detriment. I don't want hurting people to be part of Aspergers that I well eventually evolve into. I don't want it to be something I can't escape. I'm terrified of getting married someday and becoming my dad in my new family.
I feel stuck. I can't drive, I don't work, and honestly I probably would have trouble doing things like eating regularly and keeping up with hygiene and such if I was living alone, but I feel really bad here. I've asked for parental assistance to remedy these things, but I haven't gotten it. I'm never going to reach either parent's expectations. I don't know what to do.
Am I missing something? Is there some big error in my thinking that I can't see? Am I being too hard on my Dad, is this really beyond his control? I'm so confused and tired. I just want to have someone to go to in the rare instances that I want to talk more than three sentences a day. I just want someone to NOTICE. I know it's selfish, and kind of mean because I'm asking others to pick up cues I don't know how to give, but I just want to not be the one sinking.
I feel like neither parent takes what I say or deal with seriously. My mom is a lot better, trying at least to understand even if she doesn't think I have any problems that can't be solved with "letting go" of my "mental blocks", but I still feel like the piece that doesn't fit. I'm expected to do things I've proven time and again I don't know how to do without outside help, which I'm supposed to pick up instead of being taught (she usually says she isn't qualified) and she seems disappointed when I fail. It's wearing me down.
My main issue with my dad is his quick temper, which he blames on Aspergers and therefore since it's not his fault, routinely asks us to accommodate. I realize males and females with Aspergers are different, but I do everything I can to make sure the people I have meltdowns around know that it's a reaction to a situation not them, and keep as much of it internal as I can, or ask to be alone and ride it out until I can be reasonable again. My dad actively lashes out at us, with words specifically geared to hurt, follows us if we try to leave, and can hold onto things for days. If we bring any past behavior up he snaps that we're being unforgiving and to hold someone's past behavior against them is despicable and wrong. Afterward he expects us to apologize for setting him off, even if there was no clear or an uncontrollable trigger.
When he tries to bond with me over "meltdowns" I point out that I don't explode, I close down. He responds that he was just like that when he was younger, and implies that I'll probably do the same as him when I'm older. This scares the crap out of me. I don't want to be him; I see how much he hurts my mom and my sister and I. When I hurt people because of aspie things, I apologize, explain, and try not to do it again, I don't use Asperger's as an excuse to keep doing it. I DON'T LIKE IT when others are in pain, I actively avoid it when I notice/am told, occasionally to great personal detriment. I don't want hurting people to be part of Aspergers that I well eventually evolve into. I don't want it to be something I can't escape. I'm terrified of getting married someday and becoming my dad in my new family.
I feel stuck. I can't drive, I don't work, and honestly I probably would have trouble doing things like eating regularly and keeping up with hygiene and such if I was living alone, but I feel really bad here. I've asked for parental assistance to remedy these things, but I haven't gotten it. I'm never going to reach either parent's expectations. I don't know what to do.
Am I missing something? Is there some big error in my thinking that I can't see? Am I being too hard on my Dad, is this really beyond his control? I'm so confused and tired. I just want to have someone to go to in the rare instances that I want to talk more than three sentences a day. I just want someone to NOTICE. I know it's selfish, and kind of mean because I'm asking others to pick up cues I don't know how to give, but I just want to not be the one sinking.