At least I'm making friends with a Microsoft technician. Carey Cai: is that Indian?
My computer (a laptop--specifically a Dell Inspiron 8100) is a wreck. Last fall my keyboard would break in various places. First the 3edc row would stop working, then the 8ik, row would be gone. Pounding on them enough would typically restore functionality. Last summer I had to have the screen replaced when it came loose: I had to press the screen down and to the left to make these big green lines disappear. The year before the motherboard burned out. Goddamn it, I got a lemon.
Most recently, from a hardware standpoint, (this is a week ago now) some chunk of fixed memory came loose, causing my computer to refuse to turn on, though only when it’s been off for some period of time or is bumped. I can turn it on again by removing it from its docking port, turning it upside down tilting it slightly to its CD-ROM side, and saying the Lord’s Prayer three times in pig latin.
These problems I’ve gotten used to.
But the software glitches I’ve bumped into now are driving me crazy.
Some weeks ago Internet Explorer stopped working. This does not make me happy. I don’t know the cause, but every time I try to open IE I get an ‘error report’--apparently Microsoft wants me to send them like 200000 messages--one for each time I accidentally click my corrupted copy of IE. I now click ‘don’t send’ with great regularity.
So what? I say: I upgrade my opera and netscape programs and I’m good to go, right?
Hell No! Microsoft has gotten to my school, and I’m fucked.
See, my school server now thinks my computer is infected with something (though my updated Norton says otherwise) and won’t let me access the internet from school. It directs me, instead, to a Microsoft patch for XP, which’ll clear up the security hole and, presumably, restore my campus internut access privileges.
Ha ha--Joke’s on me: You can’t download it with Netscape--Microsux specifically demands that you use IE.
Which is funny ‘cause mine is corrupted.
So great, I say--I’ve got to reinstall IE. So I download a new ie6setup.exe and run it: guess what happens:
Wait for it…
No no no wait for it…
I’ve already got a more recent version of IE installed! The installshield is shutting down!
So now I see I have to first uninstall Microsoft Internet Explorer.
Have any of you ever tried to do this?
I look on my list of programs. No ‘uninstall Microsoft Internet Explorer’ there.
I go to add/remove programs: I remove IE, then it tells me to shut down, but when I power up again it’s back.
I track down the fucking executable and delete it. 5 seconds after I delete it *pop*--another icon appears in the directory. Over and over again I repeat this process, assuming, somehow, that this weird fucked up IE can only be a virus that’s not just smart enough to replicate itself from another file every time I delete it, but also smart enough to tell Microsoft it’s a more updated version of anything Microsoft could install on my machine. I figure it’s probably telling Microsoft it’s IE version 8,465,376,223,554.4. So I give up and write to Microsoft. See what transpires:
Here’s the ‘problem description of my first email:
Your request
2/26/2004 12:53:03 AM
Problem Description: Here’s my problem: I need to upgrade XP without using Microsoft internet explorer.
As far as I can tell, I've got a worm that has cleverly disguised itself as Microsoft IE. I can't open IE: I get an error message every time I try. I can't upgrade IE: Each time I try I get an error telling my I have a newer version already, and it won't install. I can't uninstall IE: aside from that not being an option on my start-up menu, whenever I use the add/remove program files to get rid of it it keeps coming back. I can't even delete the damn thing manually: If I try to delete c:\program files\internet explorer I get a message that some other program is using the contents (which it isn't, as far as I can tell), and if I try to just delete the IE executable, a new one appears in the folder 5-8 seconds after I delete the first one.
What's getting to me about this is that now my school server has locked me out of the network until I patch the hole in my operating system, and thanks to your ridiculous requirement that I use IE to patch my system--which is corrupted--I'm stuck between the proverbial rock and hard place.
1) I do not want to reinstall XP. It was a large enough pain in the ass the first time.
2) I want you to either tell me how to remove the worm/repair IE/or actually uninstall IE, or,
3) Send me patch to A) my email address (pet2@u.washington.edu) or B) my home by mail to, or C) send a technician to my home to take care of it fore me.
My name is Patrick, etc.
Here’s what our friends at Microsoft had to say about that:
Response from Microsoft
2/26/2004 5:58:20 AM
From: Carey Cai (Intl Vendor)
Sent: Wednesday, February 25, 2004 9:58 PM
To: 'pet2@u.washington.edu'
Subject: SRZ040226000105 WinXPHE--want to reinstall Internet Explorer
Dear Patrick,
Thank you for contacting Microsoft Online Support. My name is Carey, and I will be assisting you with this issue.
Please remember your case ID: SRZ040226000105, and have it in the subject line of all email correspondence.
As I understand, the problem you encountered is: You want to reinstall Internet Explorer. If I have misunderstood your concern, please let me know.
To reinstall IE, please follow the steps below:
1. Log on as Administrator, click Start, and then click Run.
2. In the Open box, type "regedit" (without the quotation marks), and then click OK.
3. Browse to the appropriate registry subkey by clicking on the plus signs in the following order: (this will open the subkeys under each key)
+ HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE
+ SOFTWARE
+ Microsoft
+ Active Setup
+ Installed Components
4. Click on the following key directly to highlight it: (this will populate the window on the right)
{89820200-ECBD-11cf-8B85-00AA005B4383}
5. In the right hand window, right-click the IsInstalled (REG_DWORD) value, and then click Modify.
6. Change the Value data from 1 to 0, click ok and accept the change.
7. Click the minus signs on all the previous folders to return them to plus signs, exit registry editor.
8. Then download and install Internet Explorer 6 from this Website:
http://download.microsoft.com/download/ie6sp1/finrel/6_sp1/W98NT42KMeXP/EN-US/ie6setup.exe
Regarding the virus issue, please refer to following suggestion.
Regarding this virus issue since Microsoft does not produce anti-virus products. I suggest you to contact your anti-virus software vendor to update the anti-virus software to completely remove the virus. As you know, Microsoft does not support the removal of viruses from computer systems. Virus detection and removal is a highly specialized field, which should be left to the experts. If done incorrectly, the removal of a virus can sometimes cause more damage than the virus itself.
For your information, I also give you some free virus scanner in the website for your convenience.
Online Virus scanning (housecall)
http://housecall.antivirus.com/
Symantec's Removal tool and virus info
http://securityresponse.symantec.com/avcenter/venc/data/w32.klez.h@mm.html
McAfee's virus info
http://vil.mcafee.com/dispVirus.asp?virus_k=99455
These services are free, and can KILL viruses. I often use the bold ones personally.
Free Virus Scan
1. Trend http://housecall.trendmicro.com/.
2. BitDefebder http://www.bitdefender.com/scan/licence.php.
3. Panda http://www.pandasoftware.com/activescan/.
4. Symantec http://security.symantec.com/sscv6/default.asp?langid=ie&venid=sym.
5. RAV http://www.ravantivirus.com/scan/indexie.php.
Free Trojan Scan
1. http://www.anti-trojan.net/en/onlinecheck.aspx.
2. http://www.trojanscan.com/.
Free Virus Removal Tools
1. Symantec http://securityresponse.symantec.com/avcenter/tools.list.html.
I appreciate your time and effort. If you have any questions or concerns on this issue, feel free to let me know. I am happy to be of assistance.
Let me know the result at your earliest convenience.
Have a nice day!
Best regards,
Carey Cai
Support Professional
Microsoft Windows Online Support
v-ccai@microsoft.com
Satisfied customers are my top priority. Please let my manager or me know what you think of the level of service provided. You can send feedback to Microsoft Management managers@microsoft.com or directly to my manager, Frankee Chen at frankeec@microsoft.com
Fuck you, Carey, and Microsoft to boot. I did as I was told then wrote him back.
Dear Carey,
I followed your instructions, although it upsets me that uninstalling a program requires me to change my registry.
Nevertheless, upon completion I re-downloaded IE6 and attempted to install it. I received exactly the same result: A message saying that I had a newer version already and that setup was shutting down.
I should tell you that I purchased whatever Symatec's Norton-Anti-Virus-Program-of-Doom some weeks ago: I keep it updated and have specifically scanned IE to no effect: According to Norton it, as well as the rest of my computer, is virus free.
My goal, quite honestly, is not to uninstall IE: that may be a necessary step, but my sole goal is getting the UW server to let me back out onto the internet. I'm no fan special fan of Netscape or Opera (though the opera mouse features are neat and IE should steal them), but I seem to get on tolerably well without Internet Explorer.
Apparently, though, to get in good with the powers at be at the University of Washington I need to patch whatever the newest security hole they've found in XP, and as far as I can tell I need IE to download it.
My goal is to patch the security leak in XP.
I don't care if I restore IE to do so, so long as the hole gets fixed.
Alternatively, we can leave my machine a mess if you can provide me some way to trick the UW server into thinking my XP is whole when it's not. If you want to leave my computer worm infected but can help me adjust my registry so that the UW server will think I've already patched the security hole that's fine--I don't care--I just want to use the internet from school, and right now my server is telling me I can't until I fix the hole, and your site told me I can't until I fix IE, and thus far your suggestions have failed to help me achieve that.
So I'm ready for your next plan of action.
Just now, Carey wrote back.
Dear Patrick,
Since Internet Explorer 6sp1 still cannot be reinstalled successfully.
Then please try alternative suggestion to install it.
Since some antivirus and firewall software will block the installation of Internet Explorer.
So before install Internet Explorer 6sp1, please disable all antivirus and firewall software.
If the suggestion still does not work, please try following steps.
Method 1: Reinstall or Repair Windows XP
----------------------------------------
To repair or reinstall Internet Explorer and Outlook Express in Windows XP, complete the following procedure while you are logged on as an administrator:
1. Use the System File Checker tool to scan all of the protected files on your computer:
a. Click Start, and then click Run.
b. In the Open box, type "sfc /scannow" (without the quotation marks), and then click OK.
Note that you may be prompted for the Windows XP or Windows XP Service Pack 1 installation media.
2. Test to determine if the issue is resolved. If the issue is resolved, skip the remaining steps. If the issue is not resolved, continue to the next step.
3. Complete an in-place upgrade of Windows XP, a repair of Windows XP, or reinstall Windows XP.
For additional information about how to complete an in-place upgrade or repair of Windows XP, click the article number below to view the article in the Microsoft Knowledge Base:
KBLink:315341.KB.EN-US: How to Perform an In-Place Upgrade
(Reinstallation) of Windows XP
4. To reinstall Windows XP updates, visit the following Microsoft Windows Update Web site:
http://windowsupdate.microsoft.com/
For more information please refer to following article.
318378 How to Reinstall or Repair Internet Explorer and Outlook Express in
http://support.microsoft.com/?id=318378
I understand that this issue has been a great inconvenience. I want you to know that your satisfaction is my #1 priority. Please rest assured that I will stay and work with you closely untill the problem is solved. I am sorry that we cannot install update directly impendent of Internet Explorer, So we have to let IE work first.
Thanks again for your cooperation.
I look forward to your reply.
Best regards,
Carey Cai
Support Professional
Microsoft Windows Online Support
v-ccai@microsoft.com
Naturally, I responded thusly:
Carey, this just isn't working for me.
I disabled Norton and attempted to run the IE6setup.exe action you recommended. Then I followed your next instructions: running "sfc /scannow" (without the quotation marks) in my open window, and exactly as you predicted I got the "Please insert Windows XP Service Pack 1" request.
Carey, I haven't got that disk.
I upgraded from Windows ME last fall: All I've got is the Windows XP Home Edition upgrade disk. When I stuck that in instead I got the basic 'upgrade to windows XP' auto-run message.
I need a better idea, as I understand reinstalling XP altogether can result in data loss and I don't have acess to a CD burner right now.
Sincerely,
Patrick
I am currently waiting on Carey Cai for a response. If you see him in the grocery store stick a piece of celery under his cart wheel, okay?
Like Dell technical support, Microsoft tech support can also suck my sphincter.