(no subject)
is it bad that i now try to see an alt text on comics like calvin and hobbes? (only when reading on the computer, though. newspapers: still safe. so far.)
also: needing to leave VERY SOON IF NOT SOONER. (no pressure.) or at least needing someone to talk to who uses three letters to refer to someone in the second person. i am now sitting in the living room, behind rene's mom's couch, so that i don't have to hear the cackling. no, seriously: i had the music on my laptop turned all the way up (...on the volume control in media player. the master volume was only at 64%. STILL. that's louder than i listen to anything ever) and i COULD STIL HEAR THEM. OMG.
also, they are getting high. with weed.
you know, i remember a time, back when i was in school, back before i met rene, when this would be SO COMPLETELY UNCOOL WITH ME. i wonder if i should go back to that attitude.
i have lots of ARRRGH inside me. and not the good pirate kind of arrgh (peg legs, 'allo m'dear, and so on). the ragey kind. i would like to find a place around here that has punching bags. and quiet places to sleep. hey, does a thing exist that is like this? it's a wooden dummy, like you see novice jousters practicing on in movies. maybe even with a bucket for a head. only the arms are held out in front of it, and on the end of each arm is one of those flappy paddles you kick in tae kwo do class. and you can adjust the height of the arms and swivel the paddles so they point up or down, for different kicks.
that would be awesome. i want to invent that. just so i can use it.
so, yes. enrageful. also, i have not slept since 11 am yesterday (and it's now... nearly 9 pm today) thanks to Those Two. both their noise and their enragefulness.
d'you know: he DID tell her that i was a "cool person." this angers me for two reasons: 1: he told me during a fight once that no, he hadn't told her that. so, either he's told her since then or sone of these things is a lie. (btw: sorry for STILL talking about it all.) 2: why the fuck couldn't he tell ME that? why am i always a--well, let's not go into it. the only compliment i ever got was "you're hot, let's have sex." i could show him something i'd done, a story, a knitted thing, and his response was invariably, "do you like it?" well, that or "it's not my thing." he said it was because he was trained by his ex (also an "artist," but a painter/sculptor type) to never say anything that can possibly be interpreted as bad. it's like the "these pants, my ass. fat?" question. no right answer. FOR HER. not me. me, i wanted constructive whatever. even "how'd you make the holes in it" would be sufficient.
anyway. i really don't understand why, if he did think i was a cool person, he couldn't ever tell me. AND YET he always said my self-esteem was so low, and that that was one of the worst things about me. and he wanted to "help" me. and when i'd say, "okay. help me. show me how i can raise my self esteem." what do i get then? a shrug. it's not something you can show, apparently. (but hey, check this out: maybe it's a false thing, but a few folks on rav, a few folks on lj, and a guy taking me out for yarn, sushi and books? raised my self-esteem more than nearly three whole years with rene. not to mention any amount of time with counselors and psychologists (one of whom made me feel even worse by having group therapy, during which i was totally sidelined). figure that out.)
anyway. yes. needing to get out, even for a night. i just need to not be here for a while. it's getting so i don't even care where, or if i can take my stuff all at once. i haven't seen any evidence of her touching it (no radioactive spots, lasers jutting from my backpack, mysterious spores, you know) so i suppose it's okay to leave it there.
and now he's ordering pizza. since he was just in their room being quiet, i can only assume that it's to comfort her.
oh, and i must note: according to rene, they are, at the moment, just friends. (i'll leave the subject of my "just friends" for another time.) while he will not deny that he may/probably will someday get together with her, he asserts that he did not "leave me for her." i maintain that we did break up because of her. and i still think that she is a bad person to be around, dating or not. rene could not tell me a single thing that was good about her, beside "she's funny and nice." which i have not seen evidence of. but then, i'm not allowed to be in the same room as her, for fear that i will cause "drama" (which i won't; that's what lj is for. i mean that seriously: i say it here so i don't say it to her). so i have no idea.
ARRRRRRRRRRGH, so much arrrrgh. and some GAH too.
also: needing to leave VERY SOON IF NOT SOONER. (no pressure.) or at least needing someone to talk to who uses three letters to refer to someone in the second person. i am now sitting in the living room, behind rene's mom's couch, so that i don't have to hear the cackling. no, seriously: i had the music on my laptop turned all the way up (...on the volume control in media player. the master volume was only at 64%. STILL. that's louder than i listen to anything ever) and i COULD STIL HEAR THEM. OMG.
also, they are getting high. with weed.
you know, i remember a time, back when i was in school, back before i met rene, when this would be SO COMPLETELY UNCOOL WITH ME. i wonder if i should go back to that attitude.
i have lots of ARRRGH inside me. and not the good pirate kind of arrgh (peg legs, 'allo m'dear, and so on). the ragey kind. i would like to find a place around here that has punching bags. and quiet places to sleep. hey, does a thing exist that is like this? it's a wooden dummy, like you see novice jousters practicing on in movies. maybe even with a bucket for a head. only the arms are held out in front of it, and on the end of each arm is one of those flappy paddles you kick in tae kwo do class. and you can adjust the height of the arms and swivel the paddles so they point up or down, for different kicks.
that would be awesome. i want to invent that. just so i can use it.
so, yes. enrageful. also, i have not slept since 11 am yesterday (and it's now... nearly 9 pm today) thanks to Those Two. both their noise and their enragefulness.
d'you know: he DID tell her that i was a "cool person." this angers me for two reasons: 1: he told me during a fight once that no, he hadn't told her that. so, either he's told her since then or sone of these things is a lie. (btw: sorry for STILL talking about it all.) 2: why the fuck couldn't he tell ME that? why am i always a--well, let's not go into it. the only compliment i ever got was "you're hot, let's have sex." i could show him something i'd done, a story, a knitted thing, and his response was invariably, "do you like it?" well, that or "it's not my thing." he said it was because he was trained by his ex (also an "artist," but a painter/sculptor type) to never say anything that can possibly be interpreted as bad. it's like the "these pants, my ass. fat?" question. no right answer. FOR HER. not me. me, i wanted constructive whatever. even "how'd you make the holes in it" would be sufficient.
anyway. i really don't understand why, if he did think i was a cool person, he couldn't ever tell me. AND YET he always said my self-esteem was so low, and that that was one of the worst things about me. and he wanted to "help" me. and when i'd say, "okay. help me. show me how i can raise my self esteem." what do i get then? a shrug. it's not something you can show, apparently. (but hey, check this out: maybe it's a false thing, but a few folks on rav, a few folks on lj, and a guy taking me out for yarn, sushi and books? raised my self-esteem more than nearly three whole years with rene. not to mention any amount of time with counselors and psychologists (one of whom made me feel even worse by having group therapy, during which i was totally sidelined). figure that out.)
anyway. yes. needing to get out, even for a night. i just need to not be here for a while. it's getting so i don't even care where, or if i can take my stuff all at once. i haven't seen any evidence of her touching it (no radioactive spots, lasers jutting from my backpack, mysterious spores, you know) so i suppose it's okay to leave it there.
and now he's ordering pizza. since he was just in their room being quiet, i can only assume that it's to comfort her.
oh, and i must note: according to rene, they are, at the moment, just friends. (i'll leave the subject of my "just friends" for another time.) while he will not deny that he may/probably will someday get together with her, he asserts that he did not "leave me for her." i maintain that we did break up because of her. and i still think that she is a bad person to be around, dating or not. rene could not tell me a single thing that was good about her, beside "she's funny and nice." which i have not seen evidence of. but then, i'm not allowed to be in the same room as her, for fear that i will cause "drama" (which i won't; that's what lj is for. i mean that seriously: i say it here so i don't say it to her). so i have no idea.
ARRRRRRRRRRGH, so much arrrrgh. and some GAH too.