(no subject)
also, seriously, i cannot deal with listening to her in his room (which is right next to mine). i can't even tell if she's giggling or crying. until she gets really fucking loud. which she does. and she's laughing. i really would like to go sleep in the car, but there is no alarm clock there.
seriously, guys: am i a total bitch for not being okay with this? because i'm getting called a bitch, a stupid motherfucker, and i'm really not exaggerating here. these are the actual words that came out of rene's mouth. am i really a terrible person for not wanting to be friends with him? am i also a terrible person for, for once, not letting him intimidate me during a fight? 'cause he shouted at me, and called me stupid, and i didn't cry or cower. this made me an arrogant and sarcastic bitch. he said how much he'd done for me--and i'm not saying that he's never done anything for me, because he has. that was one reason i loved him at first: he took care of me, or he tried to, as much as he could. his mom, too. (i really could be bitchy and sarcastic here and say, "even though i gave them 100% of my paycheck whenever i was working"--oh, and did i miss a year somewhere? because apparently i was out of work for a year and a half. i can't remember this happening. but anyway, i don't want to be bitchy and sarcastic, so i'm not. i'm just saying i could.) so, yes, they've done a lot for me. and i did love rene, and i know that, up to a certain point, he loved me, too. there are, obviously, good things about him, and he is not a total dick. i didn't mean to make him sound that way, and apparently i was supposed to defend him in my replies to your comments. anyway, him saying how much he'd done for me was also him saying that i was throwing it all away, had wasted his time and mine, and, well, again, was a bitch. i tried to thank him and tell him i appreciated it all. he first didn't believe me, then shouted at me to stop thanking him. (and no, i wasn't going "thank you thank you thank you." nor was the shouting directly after the disbelief. facts, all.)
let me also note that, when i said, "fuck him" at the end of my post, i was responding to the fact that, as i said, he did not care that we had broken up. he still doesn't. he is not sad; if he is sad, or angry, or anything, he is not showing it. i know he's a guy, and guys don't exactly well up and start bawling, but still. even an "i don't want to break up" or similar would be nice. anyway i read this as him saying, "fuck you." he did say that he simply didn't want to deal with it "right then," but i don't know how long i'm supposed to wait.
ANYWAY. so. i still don't want to be friends with him. i told him that before we ever broke up: is we break up, i don't want to be friends with you. now, apparently this means i don't care, never did, and he could get hit by a bus tomorrow and i would laugh. which isn't true. but, honestly, though i will certainly wonder, and i would feel sad if i heard that something bad happened to either of them, i just don't want either of us to be involved in the other's life. so, this makes me a bitch? for wanting to move on? i really don't even care if he wants to be friends. by which i mean that if he does, i'm okay with that. if he doesn't, that's also fine. if he feels the need to email me about his daily warcraft triumphs, well, i'm not really down with that. and that seems to be what he talks to his friends about. of course, 99% of his friends are on warcraft, but that isn't really the point.
anyway.
i also got called a bitch because i went out with a friend (who is male, but also nothing but a friend, whether anyone wants to believe that or not ("surprisingly," rene doesn't)) and sort of didn't come home until 11:30. and rene had my phone (though he doesn't seem to want to return my charger, for some reason. perhaps he just forgot about it, in his bag, or something). before everyone has a heart attack, yes, i knew what risks i was getting into. but i had also talked to this guy for a while, and he's really nice. either we share a brain or he's a phenomenal stalker. which is of course possible.
look, i seriously feel like i need to get out of here. this is a bad, bad place to be. i'm going to work as much as i can and just stay out of the house as much as i can. and i'm going to TRY not to be a bitch. but i'm not even aware of when i'm doing it (because obviously i must be; why else would rene call me one? even though his mom said i wasn't being one, and that he's just pissed).
this is why i need friends. my only point of reference cannot be this guy. i wish you all could meet him, to tell me whether i am wrong about this. whether i skewed the facts. i can no longer tell. sign of insanity, yes?
PS, also, she has an ex-boyfriend who is dead. i forget why, but apparently me fighting with rene (which is to say: me talking calmly and rene talking calmly until he got pissed and started to shout (again, not exaggerating. stating actual facts)) made her cry about him. so i got yelled at for that, too. explanations?
seriously, guys: am i a total bitch for not being okay with this? because i'm getting called a bitch, a stupid motherfucker, and i'm really not exaggerating here. these are the actual words that came out of rene's mouth. am i really a terrible person for not wanting to be friends with him? am i also a terrible person for, for once, not letting him intimidate me during a fight? 'cause he shouted at me, and called me stupid, and i didn't cry or cower. this made me an arrogant and sarcastic bitch. he said how much he'd done for me--and i'm not saying that he's never done anything for me, because he has. that was one reason i loved him at first: he took care of me, or he tried to, as much as he could. his mom, too. (i really could be bitchy and sarcastic here and say, "even though i gave them 100% of my paycheck whenever i was working"--oh, and did i miss a year somewhere? because apparently i was out of work for a year and a half. i can't remember this happening. but anyway, i don't want to be bitchy and sarcastic, so i'm not. i'm just saying i could.) so, yes, they've done a lot for me. and i did love rene, and i know that, up to a certain point, he loved me, too. there are, obviously, good things about him, and he is not a total dick. i didn't mean to make him sound that way, and apparently i was supposed to defend him in my replies to your comments. anyway, him saying how much he'd done for me was also him saying that i was throwing it all away, had wasted his time and mine, and, well, again, was a bitch. i tried to thank him and tell him i appreciated it all. he first didn't believe me, then shouted at me to stop thanking him. (and no, i wasn't going "thank you thank you thank you." nor was the shouting directly after the disbelief. facts, all.)
let me also note that, when i said, "fuck him" at the end of my post, i was responding to the fact that, as i said, he did not care that we had broken up. he still doesn't. he is not sad; if he is sad, or angry, or anything, he is not showing it. i know he's a guy, and guys don't exactly well up and start bawling, but still. even an "i don't want to break up" or similar would be nice. anyway i read this as him saying, "fuck you." he did say that he simply didn't want to deal with it "right then," but i don't know how long i'm supposed to wait.
ANYWAY. so. i still don't want to be friends with him. i told him that before we ever broke up: is we break up, i don't want to be friends with you. now, apparently this means i don't care, never did, and he could get hit by a bus tomorrow and i would laugh. which isn't true. but, honestly, though i will certainly wonder, and i would feel sad if i heard that something bad happened to either of them, i just don't want either of us to be involved in the other's life. so, this makes me a bitch? for wanting to move on? i really don't even care if he wants to be friends. by which i mean that if he does, i'm okay with that. if he doesn't, that's also fine. if he feels the need to email me about his daily warcraft triumphs, well, i'm not really down with that. and that seems to be what he talks to his friends about. of course, 99% of his friends are on warcraft, but that isn't really the point.
anyway.
i also got called a bitch because i went out with a friend (who is male, but also nothing but a friend, whether anyone wants to believe that or not ("surprisingly," rene doesn't)) and sort of didn't come home until 11:30. and rene had my phone (though he doesn't seem to want to return my charger, for some reason. perhaps he just forgot about it, in his bag, or something). before everyone has a heart attack, yes, i knew what risks i was getting into. but i had also talked to this guy for a while, and he's really nice. either we share a brain or he's a phenomenal stalker. which is of course possible.
look, i seriously feel like i need to get out of here. this is a bad, bad place to be. i'm going to work as much as i can and just stay out of the house as much as i can. and i'm going to TRY not to be a bitch. but i'm not even aware of when i'm doing it (because obviously i must be; why else would rene call me one? even though his mom said i wasn't being one, and that he's just pissed).
this is why i need friends. my only point of reference cannot be this guy. i wish you all could meet him, to tell me whether i am wrong about this. whether i skewed the facts. i can no longer tell. sign of insanity, yes?
PS, also, she has an ex-boyfriend who is dead. i forget why, but apparently me fighting with rene (which is to say: me talking calmly and rene talking calmly until he got pissed and started to shout (again, not exaggerating. stating actual facts)) made her cry about him. so i got yelled at for that, too. explanations?