Little Bit Shy Girl
HAPPY MONDAY, READERS. I'm just dusting the sand from my broad shoulders as I post this latest advice update. During my weekend adventures in Dubai my Freaking Awesome Friends List took up the 'saving you from despair' slack by answering some of my email.
I just want you to know that I don't agree with all of the advice, just most of it. You all take a big risk when you follow advice that wasn't given to you by Captain Jack Harkness, obvs.
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Dear Captain Jack: I am a wallflower of the worst worst kind.
I feel like a gray ghost when I'm in a room full of people --- can anybody see me? Nobody ever notices me. Why am I not a memorable person? In chat I'm more sociable; more a social butterfly I guess. It's easy in fandom we all have the same interests. I think I'm friendly and nice in RL. A little bit shy! Not socially awkward tho. Why am I having so much trouble meeting people offline? (I don't even mean dates just friends, Captain Jack).
I think you can call me Little Bit Shy Girl...
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Have you tried showing off your bling? You know that we are living in a material world. Like my girl Madge says: Some boys romance. Some boys slow dance. That's all right with me... If they can't raise my interest then I have to let them be...
Take a lesson from the animal world and show off your peacock feathers. There's a reason the peacock can defeat all challengers in combat. He's gorgeous! Everyone wants to be him or sleep with him. Have you ever seen a walrus mauling a peacock? It just doesn't happen.
I believe strongly in the power of advertising. It's a quick way to get you automatic attention (the positive kind). It's why SPAM is so irresistible! I enjoy both spreadable meat and Nigerian business opportunities.
Shy Girl, you need to advertise yourself like Torchwood advertises its fantastic SUV and speed boat. Loudly and with some fucking gusto. A while ago Gwen's fat trucker showed me this amazing poster.
What a concept! What a fabulous idea for self-promotion!
I own so many super things that I love to show off. Awesome things that reflect well on me and deserve to be displayed to the world...Why not do it with paste and paper on telephone poles and construction sites?
Since my 47 talents of sheep poo were robbed from our storage facility I've had stacks and stacks of wonderful sheep poo paper to run through our printer.
Here's what I've plastered around Cardiff.
This poster got a lot of attention at first and continues to thrill the city every day. The subject comes up every time I chat with a beautiful woman in a nightclub.
Captain Jack: "You're gorgeous. Hey, I have a butler. Maybe you've seen his poster?"
Beautiful Woman: "That butler poster is you?"
Captain Jack: "Yeah."
Beautiful Woman: "Seriously? What, are you rich?"
Captain Jack: "I'm loaded (with wealth)! But the Queen pays for my butler."
Beautiful Woman: "I don't get it."
Captain Jack: "IANTO! GET THE FUCK OFF THE DANCE FLOOR AND COME EXPLAIN TO THIS LADY WHAT YOU DO THAT IS SO AWESOME."
Beautiful Woman: "Oh my god it's the butler from the poster."
Captain Jack: "I told you. JESUS!"
At that point Ianto will slink over and get all red-faced and explain to the fine women of Cardiff what he does that's so awesome and why I should be admired and commended for hiring him.
Don't worry, we use code words though. We don't say we work for Torchwood and shoot aliens in the face. We say we are spooks for MI5 and stun people in the face.
I recommend you consider some strategic self-promotion, be it radio air time or posters or a loudspeaker mounted to the roof of your SUV...Follow these suggestions and you shouldn't have any trouble getting people to notice you!
Yrs helpfully,
Cpt. Jack Harkness
