THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT LETTER. PLZ ADVISE.

[ask_aboutcoffee]

DEAR CAPTAIN JACK,

I wish you to answer these questions in the order in which they appear.

1. Why did I wake up still in a suit under my blanket cocoon this morning with a screaming hangover?

2. Why don't I remember large portions of last night after we left the pub?

3. Why is Max wearing a top hat?

Comments

[used_songs]

Congratulations?

[ask_aboutcoffee]

No! This is weird! And I was feeling territorial, not -- not committal!

[used_songs]

Then you have my deepest sympathies. I just have to say though that Max is adorable.

[ask_aboutcoffee]

Of course he's adorable, it's part of his plot of conquest.

OH GOD.

[blametorchwood]

Last time I saw you, you were wearing the top hat. The dog was not wearing the ring.

[ask_aboutcoffee]

I DEFINITELY DID NOT MARRY MAX. Jack just likes to put celebratory hats on him. WHAT ARE WE CELEBRATING.

[pure_morning_8]

Awh. Isn't Jack thoughtful.

Congratulations, btw. When's the baby due?

[ask_aboutcoffee]

No no no no no. NO BABY. Max wouldn't like it!

[pure_morning_8]

Oh. So you didn't know about the...?

Sorry. You should probably ignore that then.

[ask_aboutcoffee]

THERE'S NO BABY. Martha said it would take six months to get Jack's uterus on-line! I DON'T EVEN HAVE ONE (that I know of).

[ask_arealdoctor]

YOU BASTARDS GOT MARRIED WITHOUT INVITING ME?

That's wonderful! And bloody well about time, too!

IT'S PARTY TIME! I'll start decorating, and I'll ring up Gwen and Rhys to bring food and cake, and -- oh! Presents! We need to get you presents, lots of presents!

I do think, considering who just married you, you won't find your wedding celebration very much different than a stag party. Except that in addition to any exotic dancers who may be present, Gwennie and I will also be there. I will not be stripping. I won't speak for Gwen.

[ask_aboutcoffee]

WE DIDN'T! OR maybe we did, I DON'T KNOW. MARTHA HELP ME. Don't decorate! Presents mean it's irreversible!

[ask_arealdoctor]

Presents it is, then! Would you like a crock pot? I believe those are the traditional gift on this occasion. It'll take at least a week to get the silver service engraved.

[ask_aboutcoffee]

No presents! Presents mean it's real!

Martha, help me. I need paracetamol. Just drop it down the hole, I'll find it and chew it up.

[ask_captainjack]

Listen, some of us other folks are also hung-over and confused.

If especially jubilant and vindicated.

I'll answer the questions in sequence! I answer everything in sequence!

WHERE'S MY SPARKLE PEN for writing shit down?

OKAY

Number 1: You are in your blanket cocoon because I was too drunk to get you out of your suit but you were still strong enough to crawl into your blankets weeping with terror and joy.

Number 2: You must have drank far too much out of sheer fucking happiness!

Number 3: Theresa is wearing a top hat because on the way back from the pub I spied a tux shoppe and smashed the window to get appropriate gear for a wedding -- Oh right which is..

Number 4: I had to put SOMETHING on your finger after we walked around that Oak Tree three times!

Number 5: What do you mean HUMOROUS? I think it's fucking thoughtful!

Number 6: Hm. I guess it depends on your definition of "marriage". MINE IS BROAD, IANTO.

Broad like my shit-eating grin.

CHECK IT OUT (on my face).

[ask_aboutcoffee]

OAK TREE? TUX SHOPPE? Three times? What?

There's a ring on my finger, Jack!

Did anyone see you walk around the oak tree?

STOP SMILING YOUR TEETH ARE TOO BRIGHT.

Ow my head.

[ask_captainjack]

Did anybody see? How would I know? I was only looking at you. Because you're pretty.

HEY don't try to take it off, you'll get a fierce electrical shock!

Oh. It totally comes off huh?

PUT IT BACK ON!

[ask_aboutcoffee]

Fierce electrical shock huh?

Come closer so I can hit you with....with this pillow.