Where I Am

[asittler]

I've been moved out of Arthur's house for a full 18 days now, and I've been evaluating my future during most of those days. Well, at least the past 7, during which I've been sick with the creeping golly-who's-it. I've been contemplating where I'm going to be in 1 year from now, and truth be told, I don't like the prospect. I've got the electric

Comments

Hang in there

[smws]

Sorry to hear that life feels sort of directionless. It often does to me too. I think what you're going through, in a general sense, is very common to Sittlers- I had a similar period, so did B, so did K, so even (especially?) did Arthur. Just a few thoughts, here:

• You aren't alone. Your mother loves you and will help you in various ways. Arthur can be grumpy and strict, but he will help you out. I know you had some troubles living with him, but he's still a resource. Also, although far away, your west coast family (including me) care about you and want to help.
  
• This may sound really hypocritical coming from me, Mr. failed-at-college-six-different-ways, but I don't think you should lower your sights education-wise. If anything, raise them (UC Berkeley? Caltech?), postpone them (but not too much), but please don't lower them. TVI won't be wasted on you, exactly, but they're there to train you, not educate you, which is a big difference. If you're still looking into computer science seriously, talk to somebody you think really knows about it, and find the best place to go, and go there. Word has it that the NMT computer program is not what it once was, but I don't know that for sure. I think they at least still have a decent math department.
  It may sound strange to say that money is not the most important concept, but it isn't. IT ISN'T. There are ways if the will is there, and I'm not talking about Target. Speaking of which...
  
• You said "...but [retail work is] really all I'm qualified for right now..."
  This isn't true. I know it may seem this way to you now, but it isn't true. I once thought, since my first jobs were all in warehouses and factories, that that was all I was "qualified" for. That thought limited me, kept me from seeing that "qualifications" were bullshit, the kind you smear on your résumé so that it smells sweet to the people for whom it is intended. Qualifications are just what you call "things you've done" after you've done them. Before you've done them, it's called "potential" and everybody starts with some. You happen to have a lot.
  You know more about software in general and linux in particular than I do, which I know just because of the way you talk about your Ubuntu system. I was able to get a job involving tutoring a college professor on web design and basic computer use. It follows that you could get such a job, or one better.
  

I know it's really hard to look for a job when you've already got one. Good luck on this. One thing that I think you could do well is simple tech support/hardware fixing at a place like Circuit City. In fact, you're ridiculously overqualified for those jobs, and they pay better than Target sales floor.

I hope you are able to figure things out. I imagine it will be painful. You aren't alone, some people will help you, and despair is poison.

Also, in my personal experience, friends are crucial. Not by bread alone and all that jazz. Social support is so important. It really helps to have other people around to check you for depression and spirals of negative thinking- then you can check them for the same thing.

Anyway, take care.