and man must rest, or faint
it's not a matter of life and death...not exactly anyway. and there wasn't a distinct point where this began, let alone the uncertainty of where or IF it will end. it's not like the past is relevant, and the future is unknown. there isn't a how and there probably never will be a why. even if there were, it probably wouldn't make that much sense or it would be deemed unbelievable. the only thing certain is that there is a purpose. but the purpose itself, is uncertain.
and why should this make any difference? why should one live and one die? why should any of this happen or all around the same time, at that. no one knows.
can i be honest? i'm completely miserable. it's true. i don't like to bluntly complain, and i'm NOT looking for sympathy, but the last few weeks have felt more like torture than anything else. and yeah i understand that we are so close, but this, this is a lot; maybe too much. and i guess i've said that before. i mean, after all, that's how it always is...like childbirth. it's like a pattern, calm...PAINPAINPAIN...calm...PAINPAINPAIN almost like contractions. almost. and doesn't it seem like at least 3 things at once? seems like it. so this time? death, near-death, and illness.
willy's memorial service is monday.
erin is still in the hospital, i haven't really heard anything about how she's doing lately, but i'd very much like to go visit her.
so maybe you can't even really call this an illness. it doesn't matter what i call it, whatever. but this is real. i don't care what the tests say, or my managers or whatever friends or enemies or whoever thinks that i'm making it up or faking it.
let me walk you through my day. i wake up in the morning and think to myself, "alright, maybe this is going away on it's own, or maybe it's not there, maybe i can overcome it. most of all, right now, i feel fine. i'm fine, i'm ok. nothing to worry about." again, that's what i THINK. then my stomach fools me into thinking i'm hungry, which i guess is true, but i can't help distrusting my stomach; can you blame me? i can't eat dairy products or anything spicy. or at least i'm not supposed to, i'm SUPPOSED to eat bland. i have been for the most part. well not too long after eating, the pain comes...subtle at first, allowing my mind to try to convince my body that nothing is really wrong. soon it becomes gnawing...kinda like my stomach is eating itself. (yeah, sound weird? that's what it's like.) for the remainder of the time, it's a sharp pain in my stomach and even chest. then i just feel like i want to throw up. (pleasant, i know) this lasts until i'm hungry again, at which point i debate whether eating is really worth it or not (and anyone who knows me knows that i can't help but always decide, "yes, yes it is."), or whether it's actually hunger pain or not. but this all puts stress on my back, which tends to ache more as the day goes on. it's a cycle, until i sleep, but i can't lay on my side or my stomach because it's swollen in some areas, so it hurts obviously and sometimes it's hard to fall asleep. this, for the past three weeks.
i've been to the hospital for tests, for which i'm awaiting results...rather impatiently. i'm supposed to be taking some pills which sometimes help and mostly don't. i've had a hard time taking them because one, i hate taking medicine, and two, my mind's still in some kind of ridiculous denial about what's happening inside, and feel the need to test myself by seeing if i really have pain for another day or if this is gone, which it never is. my mom has starting making me take them in front of her. that solves that problem. but i'm not better, and i have no idea what the problem is.
i dyed my hair brown. sometimes i love it, and other times i miss the blonde (which is growing in at the roots, luckily it's kinda subtle).
chicago? ha. at this rate, i won't even finish school. i've been not going to school a lot because of this ridiculousness. i'm not sure my teachers believe that something is wrong. i could always bring a note from the doctor or the hospital i guess. but i don't care that much, or at least i'm too tired to go to that length. i've been getting more rest, slowing down with all this happening, and feeling more worn out than ever.
am i angry about all this? not really. i'm hurt, and frustrated, but that's normal i guess. does this happen normally? not likely. except i know that 1 Corinthians 10:13. and through all of this, philippians 4:13. and today a friend told me that Proverbs 31:30; so I am, and will continue to be. what else can a woman do?
by the way, no i'm not pregnant, and no it's not possible. thanks.
one more thing i do everyday...i wake up, and i'm amazed that i'm alive. I thank God for letting me live today, and everyday. who knows what this is? who knows what i've got? and if i died tomorrow, i'd say that i'm very old tonight. but, faithfully, that is not the case.
got work all day tomorrow. better get some rest.
and why should this make any difference? why should one live and one die? why should any of this happen or all around the same time, at that. no one knows.
can i be honest? i'm completely miserable. it's true. i don't like to bluntly complain, and i'm NOT looking for sympathy, but the last few weeks have felt more like torture than anything else. and yeah i understand that we are so close, but this, this is a lot; maybe too much. and i guess i've said that before. i mean, after all, that's how it always is...like childbirth. it's like a pattern, calm...PAINPAINPAIN...calm...PAINPAINPAIN almost like contractions. almost. and doesn't it seem like at least 3 things at once? seems like it. so this time? death, near-death, and illness.
willy's memorial service is monday.
erin is still in the hospital, i haven't really heard anything about how she's doing lately, but i'd very much like to go visit her.
so maybe you can't even really call this an illness. it doesn't matter what i call it, whatever. but this is real. i don't care what the tests say, or my managers or whatever friends or enemies or whoever thinks that i'm making it up or faking it.
let me walk you through my day. i wake up in the morning and think to myself, "alright, maybe this is going away on it's own, or maybe it's not there, maybe i can overcome it. most of all, right now, i feel fine. i'm fine, i'm ok. nothing to worry about." again, that's what i THINK. then my stomach fools me into thinking i'm hungry, which i guess is true, but i can't help distrusting my stomach; can you blame me? i can't eat dairy products or anything spicy. or at least i'm not supposed to, i'm SUPPOSED to eat bland. i have been for the most part. well not too long after eating, the pain comes...subtle at first, allowing my mind to try to convince my body that nothing is really wrong. soon it becomes gnawing...kinda like my stomach is eating itself. (yeah, sound weird? that's what it's like.) for the remainder of the time, it's a sharp pain in my stomach and even chest. then i just feel like i want to throw up. (pleasant, i know) this lasts until i'm hungry again, at which point i debate whether eating is really worth it or not (and anyone who knows me knows that i can't help but always decide, "yes, yes it is."), or whether it's actually hunger pain or not. but this all puts stress on my back, which tends to ache more as the day goes on. it's a cycle, until i sleep, but i can't lay on my side or my stomach because it's swollen in some areas, so it hurts obviously and sometimes it's hard to fall asleep. this, for the past three weeks.
i've been to the hospital for tests, for which i'm awaiting results...rather impatiently. i'm supposed to be taking some pills which sometimes help and mostly don't. i've had a hard time taking them because one, i hate taking medicine, and two, my mind's still in some kind of ridiculous denial about what's happening inside, and feel the need to test myself by seeing if i really have pain for another day or if this is gone, which it never is. my mom has starting making me take them in front of her. that solves that problem. but i'm not better, and i have no idea what the problem is.
i dyed my hair brown. sometimes i love it, and other times i miss the blonde (which is growing in at the roots, luckily it's kinda subtle).
chicago? ha. at this rate, i won't even finish school. i've been not going to school a lot because of this ridiculousness. i'm not sure my teachers believe that something is wrong. i could always bring a note from the doctor or the hospital i guess. but i don't care that much, or at least i'm too tired to go to that length. i've been getting more rest, slowing down with all this happening, and feeling more worn out than ever.
am i angry about all this? not really. i'm hurt, and frustrated, but that's normal i guess. does this happen normally? not likely. except i know that 1 Corinthians 10:13. and through all of this, philippians 4:13. and today a friend told me that Proverbs 31:30; so I am, and will continue to be. what else can a woman do?
by the way, no i'm not pregnant, and no it's not possible. thanks.
one more thing i do everyday...i wake up, and i'm amazed that i'm alive. I thank God for letting me live today, and everyday. who knows what this is? who knows what i've got? and if i died tomorrow, i'd say that i'm very old tonight. but, faithfully, that is not the case.
got work all day tomorrow. better get some rest.