[3615 Mylife] Sorting things out and moving on
[ENG] Hey there, long time no see c:
I haven't been around for the past 2 years and hopefully, nothing as terrible as the events from 4 years ago happened. At work, I'm doing Ok and my health is Ok too. Well kind of. This time it was very personal so I didn't really feel like exposing it. And I changed my mind today. Well, I won't go into details but I felt like I had to get it out of my chest somehow.
I don't know where to start so maybe, I'll go backwards.
Last Monday, I went to an event for entrepreneurs and I met a coach for the first time in my life. I took an appointment out of curiosity (hey, that was free!) and honestly, I had NO IDEA what to expect from it. We talked for at most 30 minutes and I cried nearly the whole time. Seriously. Not in a bad way, not because it hurt, but because I was moved.
Since it was an event for entrepreneurs, I approached the meeting from this angle : drawing/crafting is currently a hobby and I've been thinking about making it my day-job more concretely for about 2 years. I attend events as an exhibitor from time to time so I have experience, I have a good understanding of how my work is perceived, and being an accountant, I perfectly know if I make money or not. So, what's stopping me from taking the plunge? She asked me questions and told me things that deeply echoed in my heart. For her, it was about this activity of mine whereas all I heard was about my personal life (but I didn't mention it). A coach is not a therapist : she wasn't trying to understand why I was like this or like that. Her job is more about helping to reach a goal, breaking the walls we build ourselves and showing reality.
The reason I don't move forwards is because I don't want to, that the current situation is comfortable and there's nothing to feel guilt for. I am an anxious person, I need security, so having regular incomes makes me feel comfortable and it's naturally hard to let go this stability. And I do enjoy my day-job so of course it's hard to quit as well. She also confirmed 2 things : firstly, I have an analytical mind and secondly, my inner frame of reference is very strong. In astrology, the second trait is called fixity, which is precisely an attribute of my solar sign ; I do listen to external opinions but I'm not easily influenced. In the end, I decide for myself, from my own belief, from my own criteria.
Earlier this year, I have been crying every day and every night for 3 whole weeks. Oh and each time I washed the dishes too. At work, it was very hard when being asked "How do you do ?", I felt like collapsing each time. It's an automatic question and what's expected is an automatic answer as well, people usually aren't prepared to handle the truth, it's not really more than courtesy. Somehow I succeeded in keeping it for me, I'm lucky that my eyes don't mark that much.
Gradually, it stopped being every single day and every single time I did the dishes. Although the tears stopped flowing, I was still holding onto the past. And I think that I finally admitted this week that the happiness I was wishing for 5 years ago is definitely gone and that it will not come back. The tears I am crying while telling you this are the tears I've been holding back for months and they need to flow out. I don't know for how long this will last, maybe for 3 weeks like earlier, maybe less, maybe more.
But now I am aware of what's going on and I accepted it.
Paul Tillich wrote "Language ... has created the word 'loneliness' to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word 'solitude' to express the glory of being alone". Most of the time, my feeling is solitude and it's great. The emptiness I feel right now is loneliness. I was abandoned without a goodbye and it hurts. It's not the first time, they already did twice before. My heart is in pieces, for the third time, and although I will patch it up, holes will definitely remain here and there. I don't hold a grudge against them because everything I do, I do for myself. I just HATE when people say "After all that I've done for you !". I left my hometown, I left my Mom because I wanted to, not because I was asked to, not because I was promised something in return. They didn't even know I took such a drastic decision in the first place so really, if I want to blame someone, it has to be me and only me.
Happiness is not for ever.
Happiness comes and goes, happiness is an unstable state. Happiness is also ordinary. People who think too highly of happiness can't be happy. Happiness and pain come as a pair. It's because I had that happiness that it hurts so much now. I was prepared for not 100% happiness but looking back at those 5 years, although I did have happiness, I also suffered for nearly 3 years.
We knew it wouldn't be forever from the start, I didn't imagine that seeing me would become an obligation. Do you see a friend because you have to ? When we're this close, can't we at least say no to each other ?
Would have you asked me a few weeks ago, I would have said "I can't forget it hurts right now but at the same time, I can't forget I do love them". Today, my feelings are closer to "I can't forget it hurts right now, as well as I can't forget I did love them". I can't erase 7 years of feelings but I can at least accept that it's in the past. And now I have to embrace my own pain and take the time to cry it out.
I don't know when I decided that I'd (re)start in September and it looks like it happened somehow. I won't set up shop yet as I originally planned though. At the beginning of the year, I challenged myself to draw 100 original characters of mine within a year. That would make 1 sketch every 3 days, it seemed reachable and I even started a week planner : Week 01 is done, Week 02 is 80% done, I had no Week 03, Week 04 is completed at 30% then we go straight to Week 17 that was planned but nothing done. I haven't been drawing much this year, apart from some seldom posemaniacs sessions, so this may be the occasion. There are 3 months left so if I can sketch at least one character headshot a day till then, I may be able to complete my challenge c: Initially, my aim was to sketch a little everyday. Now, I think I'll simply aim at completing the challenge, it doesn't matter if I draw 10 ones one day then none the other day, as long as I keep going somehow. I ususally work by batches so let's do it my way rather trying to change and failing miserably or worse, doing nothing at all.
My friends from Hukomi often ask me about my cello lessons. I had hard times in 2013 as well (but it's futile compared to the above), I'll tell you in a separate post c:
When I started this LJ, I intended to include at least one sketch each time I posted. I still wish to do so but I feel that I need to lessen the burden for now and when I'm ready again, I'll resume posting drawings. I tried to come back on dA last year and failed. So this time, I'm starting with my LJ, which may feel less intimidating. I just need a break for the time being and regain some confidence.
And if I happen to owe you something, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE leave me a comment or send me a message ! I wish to sort everything out and even if it's hard, I have to fulfill my commitments and only then can I actually move forward.
Thanks to everyone who sent me e-mails from time to time, cards and gifts <3 I appreciated every single bits of them c: In the meantime, I've started lots and lots of new crafting activities so I have content and I can post more regularly from now on. Hope to see you soon then c: