depression and addiction

May 02, 2011 22:33

the two things that are engulfing my entire fucking life.
the reason i decided to hook up with my neighbors dad
the reason i steal my 12 year old sisters birthday money to buy cocaine
the reason i hate myself and everyone around me
i've never felt so alone
i've never felt so depressed
i've never been more helpless or pathetic or self-destructive
i don't know what to do and i don't know who to talk to and i don't think it's ever gonna get better
i feel cheated
the more i sit here in my disgusting self pity and think about my life the more miserable i become
my dads been in and out of jail forever
my parents openly used drugs and brought strangers into my house basically my entire childhood
i was molested by one of those strangers
my parents have been sepearated for almost five years now and it's hard to feel any emotional attatchment to either of them
i love them both so much and i just wish that they didn't feel so distant
i don't even fucking know what im talking about
i have a million reasons to hate and be sad and all i want to do is love and be happy but i get in my own way and fuck up my own shit because
because why
i don't even fucking know. why do i insist on sabotaging myself?
i've been so fucking strong for so long and this is how it's all gonna end?
i went through SO MUCH SHIT in my life and when the time finally comes for me to be free of the stress and pressure of being the foundation that supports everyone around me i fail
this is when i fuck up
this is when i lose it
when it's finally about me ic an't do it anymore
i just need someone to hold my hand and tell me everythings gonna be okay
i need someone to be there for me and take care of me and let me cry and scream and vent and rage
i know i have friends and shit that would let me but somethings holding me back
i can't stand it
i just want to stop hurting
the only time im at peace is when i'm not even here and that's so fucked up and unfair
why can't i enjoy life like everyone else
even if i have every reason to be happy, even if im smiling and laughing and enjoying myself i still have this cold black rock inside of me. it won't go away. it's always there in the back of my mind telling me i cant
telling me i shouldn't
im crying and i feel stupid.
im in charge, i have control.
why cant i just say no
why cant i just let everything go and truly enjoy shit.
im not brave enough, smart enough, strong enough?
im just lost.
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