Somestimes a bad day and a step back makes you realize a few things

[ashlynn_james]

Public:So, first off, I want to make a very sincere apology to all you men out there-especially to one in particular, you know who you are! I made a comment on a certain someone’s journal about ALL men being players. I’m sorry, now, that I said that. I should have said ‘most’ or ‘some’ but not ‘all’. I’m not going to give any excuses or tell

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Re: Ashlynn

[ashlynn_james]

An apology was needed, I thought. I mean, I'm not trying to start another argument with you,I just needed to apology for me. All I could give you is just excuses, nothing concrete, just stupid stuff that in hindsight really means nothing unless I let it.

And you are right, we probably would have continued on in circles. We were both a little upset with the other and as you are one to not argue, I could argue with a fence post all day long. I suppose that is where we have a bit of difference to us. I mean, I know how to back down when I'm wrong and to compromise but sometimes I can't see reason until it's thrown at me.

I do have issues, some of which really shouldn't be an issue and I'm realizing that now. I might be hard on myself but it seems you are even harder on you. You are a greater man than you think. And again, you are right only you can decide what you deserve I suppose.

You asking me what I want in a relationship takes me by surprise. I wasn't expecting it and so I hope this answer works for you because it's the only honest one I got at the moment. I'm not looking for anything in a relationship right now. Or, well, maybe I am, but I'm not looking for anything serious. Okay, this is all coming out wrong. All I've ever wanted out of life was someone to love me unconditionally. To be my equal and to stand at my side, but I also know that all of that takes a generous amount of work. If I said that I didn't want love, then it would be a lie. Of course I want love, I'm a bit of a romantic in that way. But right now? I am wanting what I have with you. I love our time together, your patience with me while trying to teach me something is nice and I love that you enjoy and don't think it a hardship to teach me about vehicles. I want honesty, friendship, loyalty and someone to share my thoughts with and who likes to share theirs with me. I want someone who wants to be with me and isn't out looking for the next piece of ass, or what-have-you. (Not saying that you do that so don't take it that way) I'm not ready for anything serious right now, but in the future...maybe. That is if I'm ever willing to open myself up to that again.

Shaun, I enjoy us. I like that we don't rush things and that you don't hover over me and I don't feel like I need to hover over you. I don't want you to 'chase' me, I've never wanted that. I'm happy with how things are right now and I don't feel that we need to try to rush to the next level.

I'm not going to lie to you, though. Eventually, I'm more than likely going to want to move to that next level, whatever that next level may be. But, again, I say that I'm not rushing towards that next level either. Do I have feelings for you? Yes! Do I know how deep they go? No! We barely know each other, or well I suppose we know each other pretty good, but we haven't been dating that long and I haven't felt the need to dig into those feelings to see just yet. I want to enjoy what we have and just see where it takes us.

I'm worried, though. Why would you ask that question? And what is it that you are wanting in a relationship?

Re: Ashlynn

[shaun_levi]

I know that you are not trying to start another argument and we are simply just talking this out, that's what communication is all about. Communication is the key to a good relationship or a friendship for that matter. Ashlynn, everything can be taken as an excuse, it's just whether to the other as to they take it as an excuse or as something concrete or not.

Honestly, I don't know why I had intervened into that and took that wrong.. No, I am not a man to argue, though my sister tends to be the only one that can get me to argue with her and that's only cause I know how to argue with her I suppose. We aren't going to always be alike Ashlynn, everyone has their differences and can clash at times.

I don't feel as if I am hard on myself, I try to live life to the fullest and I give myself credit where it is due. Even if I am in denial at times :p

It's a good answer, why I had asked that question last night, I do not know... I was a bit inebriated last night when I had asked that question. I suppose subconsciously, I am searching for an answer, an answer to that I do not know the question to. I suppose I just wanted to know if we were on the same page I guess, as to what we wanted and where we stand in this whole relationship thing.

I had never meant to upset you or make you worry, and to answer your question, I don't know what I am looking for in a relationship. I just enjoy what we have and something serious isn't something that I am looking for, that much I know. Not saying that we aren't serious, cause in a way we are, we are committed to just one another in the way that we aren't with each other and others as well. I too am happy with the way things are, I don't feel rushed and I know that I care a great deal about you but, love is not a factor here, not with me it isn't. maybe I just said that wrong, I don't know, I'm not any good at this type of shit really. I guess what I'm saying here is that I like where we stand, that I am not a man that is ready for anything REAL serious and enjoy being with you but am not a man that can offer much more then what I am giving. And me asking was me wanting to know if you were wanting or searching for more then that of which I am giving, that I was going to let you go find that in which you wanted. Does that make any sense?

Re: Ashlynn

[ashlynn_james]

Shaun... I'm sorry that I haven't answered this sooner. I needed to think about everything that you've said and work off some pent up frustrations that I've had lately. Let me say that that workout that I had a little bit ago nearly killed me O.o Literally haha.

Anyway, kidding aside, I needed to think. I needed to try and put myself in your shoes so that I could try to figure out what was going on in that head of yours. Frankly, I'm still confused a bit. I mean, I understand why you asked the question to a point but...

Shaun...are you looking for a way out? I don't want to let you go or you let me go, but if you want out or need time or whatever I'll step away. As hard as it would be, I'll step away...

Re: Ashlynn

[shaun_levi]

No apology needed and before I even answer your comment let first say this. I'm the one that needs to apologize. It's not you that has made a mess of things here, I did and after having all day to recollect on this, I realize that it is I that had been in the wrong. I had to ask myself why I had taken what you had typed so wrongly and out of context. It took me a little longer to figure this one out then I had anticipated and to much of my realization, I was wanting to know what you thought of me, generally I can admit but why I hadn't I have no answer or excuse. I was under the thought that if you had felt that all men, most men, whichever were players, that I wasn't giving enough. That I was only playing you for what what I could get from you, or that you were wanting more and I wasn't giving it to you. Wanting to make sure that you were happy with where things are with us.

I did not mean to put a damper on us and I'm hoping that we can get past this honestly. It's not that I need a break or space or even a way out of anything and I feel like shit that I had made you feel like that's what I wanted. You don't hover over me, you're not clingy and I like that about you. You still go about you're life and don't center every bit of your time hanging al over me and that I like. I've had clingy ones, they are no fun and baby, you are far from that, so I am far from looking for a way out of this. When we do spend time together, you don't mind me being greasy or even learning about what I do not just in my spare time but I what I love doing. I dig that about you, so to answer your question, No! I'm not looking for a way out, if I want out, I'll tell you believe me. Just as if it comes to a time that you do, then well, I hope that you'll tell me. When I say that I care Ashlynn, means that it would not be easy for me, it would take a major toll on me to let you go, but if ever I can not make you happy, I'd let you find that happiness.

*sigh* I'm not looking for a way out, Ashlynn...

Re: Ashlynn

[ashlynn_james]

You're forgiven. Well, now you know what I think of you. And babe, you have to know I'm not a man-hater; I have way too many as friends. I may have a few issues, some that I burned away last night, but they are ones that I will overcome in time. Believe me, you are giving me enough and I knew you weren't and are not playing me. You chased me all the way to the Philippians to start a relationship between us and you followed me to Haiti to join me in helping out. That there proves that you aren't playing, that you are wanting something... Shaun, you give me more than what I ask for half the time. I don't have to ask, because you are generally one step ahead. I'm happy with you, with us...

And we can move past this. I think especially now we can move past this. You figured some things out and I figured out a couple of things and I know we are good. I've never been the hovering type as I don't like to be hovered over myself. We may be a couple but we both need our space to hang out with our friends and do other things. I love the time we are together, but I like that I can hang with my friends or take off to Chicago for a small trip to visit family and you don't push or ask questions. I'm glad that it seems that I am giving you what you want, what you need. And it makes me feel good to know that you aren't looking for a way out. I don't know where things are going to take us in the future, all I care about is the here and now and we will see how things go together. It would have hurt to let you go, but I'm the same as you. If I ever stop making you happy then I'd let you go to find that happiness.

Good! Now that we have that cleared up, maybe you want to come stay over tonight? I'm rather beat up and look a mess but I would really like to see you; because, after all, I am just a girl and could use a comforting hug from you.

Re: Ashlynn

[shaun_levi]

okay wait.. back up... a bit beat up? Pent up aggravation, um.. now I'm quite curious and you don't have to ask me twice :P Count on me being there as soon as I'm done showering :)

Re: Ashlynn

[ashlynn_james]

Erm... yeah. Found someone to spar with today that didn't go easy on me. You'll see when you get here. I look as if I were attacked and kicked the shit out of BUT he got a good beating as well. It felt good. I'll see you when you get here, just be prepared to see me with a bruised face and all and try not to get upset about it.