Lost In The Complications Of My Own Thoughts
i have just finished watching ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND and am, once again, in awe. this is a brillant collection of scenes that, piece by piece, captivates me completely. i think i have figured it out. i have figured out a tiny piece of life that is the weight of the world. love is everlasting... you cannot just forget it. that is what this movie is trying to tell me. you can love and you can feel as though you have lost it and you can try to forget it... but it all truth... love is inevitable. you cannot escape it. it is there... even if it seems unfamiliar or tricky... it will not leave you. pain is pleasure. how can you have moments of serene weightlessness if you have never experienced those dreadful harsh instances of unbearable misery. i respect pain and the tears that stream because of it... and i noticed that sometimes people make their hurting out to be so deadly and so lifetaking when, truly, it is nothing compared to the lady's across the street. i think this is to make their life out to be something better than it is. i do it too. any one measly harmless thing could happen to me, yes it hurts, but definately not as much as i make it out to. and if i do this, if i make something seem as though it hurts me so bad... maybe, just maybe, i can try to trick myself into believing it was something that was really important to me. i think many fall in love with the idea of love... and not so much love itself. the thought is there, we see it in movies, tv, and through the couple next door that makes your life seem completely loveless and lost. so you go out with the any guy who pays you decent attention. you know he is not what you truly want or even the type of guy who could give you what you want. but you are so in love with the idea of love that you go with him. you waste a few months with him telling yourself that he is what you want and pretending that you are in that certain love scene.... at least until you realize that it is only a mere thought. is this what you want? is this what we are waiting for? perhaps it is a good thing that you spent this time with this certain uncertainity... either ecause you now realized what you dont want in a partner... or, what you do want. i believe in love... it is a wonderful concept... a brillant logic to disconcern yourself with. but is it for me? i wish... truly i do. then again i think it may be only about the thought... i will never find love. and if i actually do... i am probably going to just walk right past it. walk right past it, without even noticing it was near... beacause i am caught up in the thought of the possibility of walking past it. i am so afraid i am going to miss something... anything. but maybe that isn'st it. MAYBE i want to miss something... maybe i am just waiting to miss anything. perhaps all i truly want is to find something, find SOMEONE to steal me away and hide me from my fears, from my thoughts, from myself. i would like that. i build so many things up to be so much that they aren't... to be so much... that i don't even notice the true weight that they carry. perhaps something RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME is so ingenius that i don't even recognize it because i am so busy pretending it to be what i want. right in FRONT of ME and I MISS IT.. i miss it because i don't even take the time to see it. to truly see it. open your eyes... appreciate what is right in front of you! because who knows... it may leave... it may walk right past you. my thoughts are lovely and it is hard not to get wrapped up in them... but that is not what it is about. it is about being here... right now. being there.... just then. it is about existing, feeling, being, thinking, falling, becoming, seeing, taking notice, dreaming, believing. who knows what IT is... but as soon as i find out... i will be sure to let you know.. to let everyone know. someday it will happen. someday. i know it... i have faith in it. but until then... i am going to keep thinking, but also start appreciating. everything happens for a reason... even if the reasoning is now or somewhere down the road.
