I'm not afraid of you runnin' away honey
I get the feeling you won't.
Okay, I admit it: I miss soccer. A lot. More than a lot actually. It feels like my life isn't going to be the way it should be until I start playing again. I want all of the snow to go away so I can actually touch a ball.
Another confession: I'm terrified to play again. It's been so long, it's quite possible that I've lost any skill that I once had. It will be hard work, but I NEED to start playing again.
Also, upon further consideration, I rather hate who I've become Alex-wise. Far too needy for my liking and that needs to stop. I've been making steps in the right direction. Katie and I go to the gym (nearly) everyday and it's great to be back in touch with her. That's also where soccer comes in. I need things that I do for myself. It doesn't mean that my relationship with Alex has to suffer, or that I love him less, I just want to be more independent.
I know that it will be hard though. I've spent too long wondering where he was all of the time, or getting upset if he didn't call. I'm not that girl. I don't want to be that girl. When we first started dating Alex was the girly, needy one, and lately it's been me. Well mark my words: I want to work to get out of that stage. So let me brainstorm some ideas that will help me turn my relationship into a more healthy one:
- Soccer
- A new job, perhaps?
- Re-connecting with old friends
- Try to make new friends (how, I'm not too sure yet)
- Go and talk to father thom and get some questions answered and try to figure out this whole religion thing
- Volunteer
I miss being so busy that I had to pull all-nighters to get my school work done (or can I attribute that to procrastination?). Regardless, my life can no longer be school, work, and alex. It's not good for our relationship either. As much as I love him, we've been getting on each other's nerves. More 'mystery' is needed hah, I think it will help us to appreciate one another more. It's funny how I think this way and want to be more independent but I'm sure that if Alex were to say this to me I would be deeply offended and question why he doesn't want to spend all of his time with me (again, with the ego....and stupid pms that is awful for some reason and is making me cry at just stupid things). So maybe this is an issue that I don't necessarily have to discuss with him, just something I need to do for myself.
Also, in marijuana news, I have been really good with not asking who alex was with/what he did that day if I wasn't around. I also don't dwell on the fact that he probably smoked while with his stoner friends - it doesn't accomplish anything and only made us fight/put un-needed strain on a teenage relationship. So while I have been letting go of my controlling issues, I guess Alex has been growing up too. Tonight he had this big talk with me about how he's been thinking a lot lately about how much he doesn't respect or want the lifestyle of his friends. He claimed to have stopped smoking during the week. We were really good about it and were able to talk calmly and Alex wasn't supper defensive because he felt that for once he's on the right path and doesn't have to defend his actions. So this is good. It's not to say that he won't occasionally smoke during the week, and I'm sure he will on the weekends, although not necessarily every one... just that he wants more for himself and he's getting there on his own terms and for the right reasons. I'm glad he talked to me about it, but I would still rather not think too much about it. It's his deal, not mine - he can talk to me but I'm not a part of it at all. It was just nice unexpected news is all.
Man, I'm on an update rampage! It's nice to get feelings out though. The only time I write these days is for school. Speaking of which I have a million things due in the next few weeks that I need to find a way to bring myself to start on... bahhh.
Again, thanks for putting up with my venting.
Tune in next time: same bat time, same bat channel
Okay, I admit it: I miss soccer. A lot. More than a lot actually. It feels like my life isn't going to be the way it should be until I start playing again. I want all of the snow to go away so I can actually touch a ball.
Another confession: I'm terrified to play again. It's been so long, it's quite possible that I've lost any skill that I once had. It will be hard work, but I NEED to start playing again.
Also, upon further consideration, I rather hate who I've become Alex-wise. Far too needy for my liking and that needs to stop. I've been making steps in the right direction. Katie and I go to the gym (nearly) everyday and it's great to be back in touch with her. That's also where soccer comes in. I need things that I do for myself. It doesn't mean that my relationship with Alex has to suffer, or that I love him less, I just want to be more independent.
I know that it will be hard though. I've spent too long wondering where he was all of the time, or getting upset if he didn't call. I'm not that girl. I don't want to be that girl. When we first started dating Alex was the girly, needy one, and lately it's been me. Well mark my words: I want to work to get out of that stage. So let me brainstorm some ideas that will help me turn my relationship into a more healthy one:
- Soccer
- A new job, perhaps?
- Re-connecting with old friends
- Try to make new friends (how, I'm not too sure yet)
- Go and talk to father thom and get some questions answered and try to figure out this whole religion thing
- Volunteer
I miss being so busy that I had to pull all-nighters to get my school work done (or can I attribute that to procrastination?). Regardless, my life can no longer be school, work, and alex. It's not good for our relationship either. As much as I love him, we've been getting on each other's nerves. More 'mystery' is needed hah, I think it will help us to appreciate one another more. It's funny how I think this way and want to be more independent but I'm sure that if Alex were to say this to me I would be deeply offended and question why he doesn't want to spend all of his time with me (again, with the ego....and stupid pms that is awful for some reason and is making me cry at just stupid things). So maybe this is an issue that I don't necessarily have to discuss with him, just something I need to do for myself.
Also, in marijuana news, I have been really good with not asking who alex was with/what he did that day if I wasn't around. I also don't dwell on the fact that he probably smoked while with his stoner friends - it doesn't accomplish anything and only made us fight/put un-needed strain on a teenage relationship. So while I have been letting go of my controlling issues, I guess Alex has been growing up too. Tonight he had this big talk with me about how he's been thinking a lot lately about how much he doesn't respect or want the lifestyle of his friends. He claimed to have stopped smoking during the week. We were really good about it and were able to talk calmly and Alex wasn't supper defensive because he felt that for once he's on the right path and doesn't have to defend his actions. So this is good. It's not to say that he won't occasionally smoke during the week, and I'm sure he will on the weekends, although not necessarily every one... just that he wants more for himself and he's getting there on his own terms and for the right reasons. I'm glad he talked to me about it, but I would still rather not think too much about it. It's his deal, not mine - he can talk to me but I'm not a part of it at all. It was just nice unexpected news is all.
Man, I'm on an update rampage! It's nice to get feelings out though. The only time I write these days is for school. Speaking of which I have a million things due in the next few weeks that I need to find a way to bring myself to start on... bahhh.
Again, thanks for putting up with my venting.
Tune in next time: same bat time, same bat channel