(no subject)
so i really hate livejournal and im totally not into it but some friends have been bitching for me to update soo.....
ive been getting very....introverted lately. if i have blown you off recently, i am deeply sorry, there are just very few people i am in the mood to be around lately. i feel like before, i was invincible, and now,life is finally catching up to me. yeah i know it sounds totally cheesy, but ive started to realize how little in life we are actually responsible for. others dictate 80 percent of our life, whether we like to admit it or not. from things as mundane as your parents being the only way for you to get somewhere to hang out with your friends to as serious as being in a band and having fans pretty much decide your success, amount of records sold, whether you stay "underground" or not, etc.and that sucks. is it such an awful thing for me to have 100 percent control over my life? is it really that big to ask? i just recently have felt like im in a cage and fighting to get out but im not totally sure why im trying, why i dont just curl up in the corner and accept fate. i dont have this awful horrible home life, a terrible childhood, and unsupportive,shitty parents and bad friends and family, accepting that this is how it will always be would almost be an easier road to take. but i look at my parents and realize thats what happened to them, they SETTLED, they didnt TRY for what they wanted, they just took the easiest road and went with it. mind you, if they hadnt, i might not have had an awesome childhood like i did but still,i feel like every minute in my skin/life/town/family is another minute wasted,another time i could spend doing something else, being someone else. thats not to say theres no good in my life, my friends and music and going to youth group with reynders pretty much sustains me, but lately my life has been more dominated by bad moods and bad shit in general. and on top of having all these crappy feelings, i start to feel bad for having them and try to hide them and be the happy little ashley everyone expects. then i start to be unhappy with this fake-me and it just gets worse. and its not anyones fault, by any means, i do this to myself. so maybe im just a bitchy little piss pot who deserves nothing she has, like great friends, a bunch of awesome local bands to get closer to, and a generally stable life/family. but this is how i feel. so for everyone that always tells livejournal is better than myspace and i need to update more, sorry you asked?
ive been getting very....introverted lately. if i have blown you off recently, i am deeply sorry, there are just very few people i am in the mood to be around lately. i feel like before, i was invincible, and now,life is finally catching up to me. yeah i know it sounds totally cheesy, but ive started to realize how little in life we are actually responsible for. others dictate 80 percent of our life, whether we like to admit it or not. from things as mundane as your parents being the only way for you to get somewhere to hang out with your friends to as serious as being in a band and having fans pretty much decide your success, amount of records sold, whether you stay "underground" or not, etc.and that sucks. is it such an awful thing for me to have 100 percent control over my life? is it really that big to ask? i just recently have felt like im in a cage and fighting to get out but im not totally sure why im trying, why i dont just curl up in the corner and accept fate. i dont have this awful horrible home life, a terrible childhood, and unsupportive,shitty parents and bad friends and family, accepting that this is how it will always be would almost be an easier road to take. but i look at my parents and realize thats what happened to them, they SETTLED, they didnt TRY for what they wanted, they just took the easiest road and went with it. mind you, if they hadnt, i might not have had an awesome childhood like i did but still,i feel like every minute in my skin/life/town/family is another minute wasted,another time i could spend doing something else, being someone else. thats not to say theres no good in my life, my friends and music and going to youth group with reynders pretty much sustains me, but lately my life has been more dominated by bad moods and bad shit in general. and on top of having all these crappy feelings, i start to feel bad for having them and try to hide them and be the happy little ashley everyone expects. then i start to be unhappy with this fake-me and it just gets worse. and its not anyones fault, by any means, i do this to myself. so maybe im just a bitchy little piss pot who deserves nothing she has, like great friends, a bunch of awesome local bands to get closer to, and a generally stable life/family. but this is how i feel. so for everyone that always tells livejournal is better than myspace and i need to update more, sorry you asked?