YEAR
So I feel like shit. I am ready for this year to be over. I ask everyone if they have anything to explain or tell to me that might ripe me apart, please tell me before the year is up. I am trying really hard to think positively and hope that I am going to get through this but it just seems like every time I take one step forward, something brings me one step back. I do not blame anyone for this though it is just life. You really can not control how you feel so how could I be mad at someones feelings. It just hard when the person who you feel understands you must you can not even think of because you get this horrible feeling in your chest like your heart is about to jump out or something. I suPpose a broken heart takes time to heal but it's worst when you just want to hurry up and move on to the next level. Hopefully the next level would be building a better friendship. I say hopefully, because I would not want to lose a person in my life that means so much to me but right now it hurts so bad to even think of talking to that person. I repeat though this is not at all that persons fault. I guess it is just life. I am so broken down right now it is scary. I do not feel I am as strong as I was before. I do not know how much more I can take. I guess though if I made it this far I can make it through the rest. I feel even worse because I am not looking forward to anything. Christmas is my favorite holiday and I feel no emotions towards it what so ever. I am not excited about school starting again or Christmas Break, New Years, nothing. Finally I am not stuck watching my brother on New years and I am not excited. I went to visit my great grandma's grave today and ever since the funeral I have thinking about what I would say when I went to visit her, but the words did not come out because the thoughts were not there. I look at the grave I still can not believe it, it feels like she is just on vacation. I went to my uncle's church I was just there. Usually I really enjoy the music and delight in God's word but today I just could not do it. I hung out with an old friend while I was in Flagstaff and for that period in time I felt no pain. He brought me to a place were I am use to being at in Flagstaff. Flagstaff is literally a breath of fresh air. It is home and a getaway all in one. This time I was there, for the first time I could not get to that place. He took me there for a while that was nice. I feel as if I am in a dark, lonely cave and no one can hear my screaming cry. I feel alone. I know I am never alone because God is always hear abd I find myself praying much more but the feeling is still there. I just wish this feeling in my heart would go away. Everyone says this has defiantly been a hard year for you and all I can say back is yeah I know. How do I find myself when pain and despair keep finding me first?