A scary thought...
I've been evaluating things in my life (as you can tell by my previous post, I'm bored and have a lot of time on my hands), and I've realized something. I miss being in a relationship. Today, for some reason, Steve popped into my head. As different as we are now...and I mean "different"...it was great for what it was. I felt completely safe, completely loved, and completely happy. It just blows my mind that in like four years, I havn't felt that way since. My relationship with Steve was my ONLY stable relationship, and it makes me sad. How have I gone on this long without being able to find a guy who meets my needs. I've got the same check-list as everyone else. Smart, funny, respectful, trustworthy, outgoing, attractive, and similar interests. But it's like no matter who I date, something is always missing. I don't understand people who can make it work with every guy they date. Are they overly accommodating, or are they just that easily compatible? Then I got to thinking, what if it's me. Maybe I'm afraid of being close with someone now, and maybe I purposely find unbearable flaws in guys to justify ending it. Maybe I purposely close myself off and become a miserable bitch just so that they can end it and I won't have to face the reality that it's me who isn't ready, even though secretly I'm hoping and praying that they'll be the one who will stay and see it through. I've realized that when I say I just want a casual fling, it really means that I've given up and am too afraid to pursue something more meaningful. I hate it. So, how do I become capable of feeling again? How do I let myself fall in love?