[2] Confusion
There are a lot of things going on in my life right now that are leaving me confused and they are giving my mind a lot of things to go over. And with the way it keeps unraveling before me it makes me think that maybe everything I had thought sacred and that I thought was concrete in life is nothing more than a hollow representation of my dreams and aspirations. They say that nothing is ever concrete so early in life but at the same I want to say something along the lines of, "Why me? Why do you have to come and jeopardize my feelings of happiness and comfort.
Comfort.. there's a word that plays both roles of the protagonist and antagonist in my life at times.
a state of being relaxed and feeling no pain.
That is what it is defined as, it's something fickle and it can change at any time and yet for me it's something I crave to attain. Why is that something I should want to obtain, does it offer security for good? Does it merit anything other than self righteousness? These are questions I can't answer but I seek answers for.. I am very perplexed about my life. Now I guess I should formulate the words behind it.
It all revolves around yet another fickle term that can be interpreted in many ways. love.
It is such a silly word but it holds so much power of human beings whether they want to admit to it or not. You don't have to be a romanticist or someone who is necessarily in touch with their feelings on a level of personal understanding. I guess I would be kind of a romanticist and maybe that is a problem but perhaps it is not, who is to say for sure? How do we determine if it is ourselves that need to be changed rather than others?
Well I don't know what I should be doing and how I should be reacting. My girlfriend who I have been with for roughly two years now is causing me all of this personal anguish which is causing me to look deep into myself and reflect upon the contents of my soul. You could say we are "in love" but I don't know what the definition of that word means anymore. I thought it was undying declaration of companionship between two people but I don't know anymore because of what she has told me. She started speaking with her ex boyfriend and all of a sudden she is start to fancy him again after he cheated on her and treated her essentially like she was a mere tool or a ride of amusement. I don't see how someone could possibly have feelings for someone that did that kind of thing to them, but she does.
She tells me she is very confused about life right now and she says she still loves me but that she likes him a lot and to the point where I guess she actually wonders what she should do. I can't influence her decision at all because it would not be right. Who am I to make someone choose between who they feel they like in terms of companionship and who they do not. Personally when I look at myself in the mirror and really think of it I feel that I am not worthy of anything of the sort. I was never liked, never cared for by anyone for a long time both in terms of companionship, friends, and family. I am confused for many reasons of my family too, not knowing who my real father is and if he even gives any bit of a damn about me kind of makes this hurt more.
I lived the cold quiet life of a loner for many years, I spoke to no one and cared about nothing in return. And then it all changed, and I started to come out of my shell so to speak and I became somewhat of a friendly and social person. But now I question if it was really all worth it. I don't know what I should do. Part of me just wants to retreat back to the dark and cold blanket of nothingness and just fade away into a meaningless existence but the other part of me I guess would be anger, jealously, pride. I want to tell her that she is with me and that I love her more than anyone else could but even though that's true I feel it's not in my right to do so. I don't know what I should do.. I'm very hurt and very sad at this point in my life but at the same time I'm cold and confused.. I guess I just want comfort.. someone I can confide in when I have problems, someone who can just say something like, "It's alright, you'll be okay. I'm here for you."
I guess Kaya from Schwarz Stein put it best in "Funerary Dream"
doko ni iru no?
hitori ni shinaide...
ikura yonde mo
kotae wa nai...
Comfort.. there's a word that plays both roles of the protagonist and antagonist in my life at times.
a state of being relaxed and feeling no pain.
That is what it is defined as, it's something fickle and it can change at any time and yet for me it's something I crave to attain. Why is that something I should want to obtain, does it offer security for good? Does it merit anything other than self righteousness? These are questions I can't answer but I seek answers for.. I am very perplexed about my life. Now I guess I should formulate the words behind it.
It all revolves around yet another fickle term that can be interpreted in many ways. love.
It is such a silly word but it holds so much power of human beings whether they want to admit to it or not. You don't have to be a romanticist or someone who is necessarily in touch with their feelings on a level of personal understanding. I guess I would be kind of a romanticist and maybe that is a problem but perhaps it is not, who is to say for sure? How do we determine if it is ourselves that need to be changed rather than others?
Well I don't know what I should be doing and how I should be reacting. My girlfriend who I have been with for roughly two years now is causing me all of this personal anguish which is causing me to look deep into myself and reflect upon the contents of my soul. You could say we are "in love" but I don't know what the definition of that word means anymore. I thought it was undying declaration of companionship between two people but I don't know anymore because of what she has told me. She started speaking with her ex boyfriend and all of a sudden she is start to fancy him again after he cheated on her and treated her essentially like she was a mere tool or a ride of amusement. I don't see how someone could possibly have feelings for someone that did that kind of thing to them, but she does.
She tells me she is very confused about life right now and she says she still loves me but that she likes him a lot and to the point where I guess she actually wonders what she should do. I can't influence her decision at all because it would not be right. Who am I to make someone choose between who they feel they like in terms of companionship and who they do not. Personally when I look at myself in the mirror and really think of it I feel that I am not worthy of anything of the sort. I was never liked, never cared for by anyone for a long time both in terms of companionship, friends, and family. I am confused for many reasons of my family too, not knowing who my real father is and if he even gives any bit of a damn about me kind of makes this hurt more.
I lived the cold quiet life of a loner for many years, I spoke to no one and cared about nothing in return. And then it all changed, and I started to come out of my shell so to speak and I became somewhat of a friendly and social person. But now I question if it was really all worth it. I don't know what I should do. Part of me just wants to retreat back to the dark and cold blanket of nothingness and just fade away into a meaningless existence but the other part of me I guess would be anger, jealously, pride. I want to tell her that she is with me and that I love her more than anyone else could but even though that's true I feel it's not in my right to do so. I don't know what I should do.. I'm very hurt and very sad at this point in my life but at the same time I'm cold and confused.. I guess I just want comfort.. someone I can confide in when I have problems, someone who can just say something like, "It's alright, you'll be okay. I'm here for you."
I guess Kaya from Schwarz Stein put it best in "Funerary Dream"
doko ni iru no?
hitori ni shinaide...
ikura yonde mo
kotae wa nai...