(no subject)
Wedding planning just makes me home sick.
I don't know, it feels so wrong. I can't sit around with my parents and look at catering menus. I can't go dress shopping with my mom. I can't even be around 3 of my bridesmaids. I can't just go and look at my venue. I can't put together favors with my mom and grandma. I can't get money saving tips from the Reasoners. I can't see my bridesmaids' dresses in person. I can't go cake tasting. I can't do anything. I miss my family and the people close to me and it seems they are all far away at this time when I want to be near them most.
I wish I went for that job that was opening at the Food Bank but I mean at the time all I wanted to do was come back here. But what's here? I see friends maybe once a week, but more like once every two. I like my job, yes, I do but I make shit. Mike likes his job I think, although I don't know if he does a lot. I know he likes it more than Hollywood so that's good. I have tons of debt to pay off and I can't even begin to do it.
I'm young but I feel so old. I guess only stress wise. I feel like I look young, my body feels pretty young, my mind is definitely young, but whenever I'm stressed or all that shit that I talked about above comes into play, I feel so effin' old. No one my age should have the debt I do that ISN'T student loans. I should be trying to find my dream job, out of college or almost and I'm not even close. Which is really, fine, that doesn't bother me as much as it used to but with all that debt, these shitty jobs I have don't cut it. And debt ruins my chances of doing other future, grown up things that I actually am looking forward to... like a house. Children. College funds for said children. Retirement savings.
Things with Mike, however, are perfect. As always. I feel bad for him daily though. He has no friends here, which I'm sure is way worse than he's letting on. He deserves the best and I wish I knew how to do that for him. He always says he's happy just being with me, which I believe, but at some point, just me wont cut it, he needs friends and a job he loves.
Fuck. Now I just want to cry.
Ok so really to sum that up.
I miss everyone. Moving here... a mistake? I feel god damn old. Debt is weighing me down. Mike is amazing and I love him so much.
I don't know, it feels so wrong. I can't sit around with my parents and look at catering menus. I can't go dress shopping with my mom. I can't even be around 3 of my bridesmaids. I can't just go and look at my venue. I can't put together favors with my mom and grandma. I can't get money saving tips from the Reasoners. I can't see my bridesmaids' dresses in person. I can't go cake tasting. I can't do anything. I miss my family and the people close to me and it seems they are all far away at this time when I want to be near them most.
I wish I went for that job that was opening at the Food Bank but I mean at the time all I wanted to do was come back here. But what's here? I see friends maybe once a week, but more like once every two. I like my job, yes, I do but I make shit. Mike likes his job I think, although I don't know if he does a lot. I know he likes it more than Hollywood so that's good. I have tons of debt to pay off and I can't even begin to do it.
I'm young but I feel so old. I guess only stress wise. I feel like I look young, my body feels pretty young, my mind is definitely young, but whenever I'm stressed or all that shit that I talked about above comes into play, I feel so effin' old. No one my age should have the debt I do that ISN'T student loans. I should be trying to find my dream job, out of college or almost and I'm not even close. Which is really, fine, that doesn't bother me as much as it used to but with all that debt, these shitty jobs I have don't cut it. And debt ruins my chances of doing other future, grown up things that I actually am looking forward to... like a house. Children. College funds for said children. Retirement savings.
Things with Mike, however, are perfect. As always. I feel bad for him daily though. He has no friends here, which I'm sure is way worse than he's letting on. He deserves the best and I wish I knew how to do that for him. He always says he's happy just being with me, which I believe, but at some point, just me wont cut it, he needs friends and a job he loves.
Fuck. Now I just want to cry.
Ok so really to sum that up.
I miss everyone. Moving here... a mistake? I feel god damn old. Debt is weighing me down. Mike is amazing and I love him so much.