FIC: What You Will (Thor) - Learn to Fly (7/8)

[ashinae]

What You Will - Chapter 7: Learn to Fly
by ashinae and linden_jay

Chapter 1: Unknown Bride | Chapter 2: A Girl and Her Horse | Chapter 3: For the First Time | Chapter 4: Torn to Tatters | Chapter 5: Love Loss Hope Repeat | Chapter 6: Follow the Lady | Chapter 7: Learn to Fly | Chapter 8: Life Less Ordinary



Thor and Loki were both very subdued over dinner with Odin and Frigga that night. No attempt at conversation engaged either of them. Thor excused himself before dessert could be served. Loki stared at her bowl for a long moment, then stood and excused herself as well.

She could never have anticipated that the events at the lake would happen. She always enjoyed that time with Thor--that special time where she was his friend, and nothing more. It had all changed, seemingly in an instant, and he had still rejected her.

She felt as though she was under water again as she unpinned her hair and changed into a nightgown. She curled up on her bed, hugged herself tightly, and tried very hard not to cry.

It was all so very unfair.

Loki reached up for one of her pillows and her hand grazed the latest tome from the library. She had hoped that this one, perhaps more than any other, might help her with Thor.

It hadn't worked, either.

She sat up, lifted the book, and hurled it at the door between their rooms. It made a loud thud, and another when it hit the floor.

She flopped down onto the bed again, hugged the pillow this time, and squeezed her eyes shut. She would not weep; she was stronger than that.

She cried herself to sleep.

***

Thor didn't sleep. Once he left the table, hardly having eaten a thing on his plate, he found a quiet place--somewhere he had yet to show to either Loki or Cesario. Somewhere that he knew that he wouldn't be disturbed.

He curled up in the corner, back against the stone, and examined his interactions with Loki, then the same for his interactions with Cesario.

He loved Loki. He loved her mind, her spirit, her intelligence. She made him laugh, pushed him to think, and he felt at peace sleeping beside her.

And his body felt nothing. It never had. He'd tried--he'd tried with her, he'd tried imagining her body as he touched himself, and there was no reaction. Nothing. He'd worried that he was wrong--broken. He'd tried to make himself go to the healers, but he'd never made it in the door.

Then, today, a touch from Cesario, a glimpse of his body, wet and glistening in the water, under the sun, and everything changed. He ached. He wanted. He desired.

He betrayed his wife, his vows. His body had betrayed them both.

He had no solution, and only one course of action. He had to talk to Loki.

Chilled and stiff from the time spent pressed against cold stone, he stood up in the pre-dawn light and stumbled back to their rooms, taking a long time to stand in front of Loki's door before he finally knocked.

The door opened a few moments later. Loki looked up at him and didn't say a word before she stepped back to let him in. Still she said nothing, and instead went to sit on the edge of the bed, drawing a blanket around her shoulders.

He should have noticed that Loki was off as well, but he didn't. As usual, Thor was too self-obsessed to notice anything but how miserable he was. "Please... may I speak with you, my lady?" he asked, following her toward the bed.

She looked up at him with little expression on her face. "Speak."

Thor looked at her, met her eyes, then sank to his knees in front of her, a penitent look on his face. "I have failed you, my lady."

"And how is it you have failed me, my lord?" Loki sounded almost impossibly tired.

Thor bowed his head, unable to keep looking at her. "As a prince, as a man, and most certainly as a husband," he said, sounding as weary as she did.

"Why?" she asked. "What is it you have done now?"

Thor didn't know where to begin. "I do not know what knowledge you had prior to your arrival here about the peoples of the Asgard," he said, "so there are things that I do not know if you know. The vast majority of our people find pleasure in both the male and female form, and when the time comes for them to select a lover, the gender of that partner is the lesser concern. Emotional compatibility becomes primary, after the initial physical attraction. Fandral's lovers are varied, men and women both. Most Asgardians are like Fandral."

He took a deep breath and kept speaking. "I never expected to marry so young. You know this--I know you do. We have spoken of it. As I am to be king, I must someday have heirs. I knew that I was not ready for this, and I did not want to lose my heart to a lover only to have to marry for politics and turn away from them to do my duty. I would not risk my heart on a lover of either gender--as well as the chance of offspring on a female lover--so I ignored that side of me. There was work to be done. My father needed me to be his right hand, his sword arm when he could not leave here. I did not seek out physical pleasure with a partner. I had my friends, my family. I felt sure that when the time came, everything would happen as it was meant to."

He looked up at Loki again. "I was wrong. I tried, but I was wrong. I thought there was something wrong with me, that I was ill. I grew closer to you, began to fall in love with your mind, your spirit, your sense of humour. I knew that you were the Queen that the Asgardian people will need come the horrible day that my father falls. I knew this, and yet I could not fulfill my duties to you as a husband." His voice broke as he finished speaking, and he stared down at his hands, eyes stinging with unshed tears.

"Oh, Thor," she said, very softly, as she touched his cheek. "Do you know that is the most you have spoken to me without interruption in all the time I have been here? No, my love, hush and let me respond, or I fear I won't be able to.

"I didn't know until very recently about that particular facet of love on Asgard. I found a romance between men in the library and that opened my eyes to how much I still have to--no, how much we still have to learn about each other."

She'd told him to hush, but he couldn't do it. Not when there was so much she still didn't know.

"There is more," he interrupted. "I cannot... you will not be so kind to me when you know what I have done. What I almost allowed to happen," he said, looking utterly wretched.

"There is a boy who works in the stables. He tends Rowan... I'm sure you've seen him. I... we started to speak when I was spending so much time there, away from you, and we became friends... started spending time together. I was ashamed to spend time with the Warriors Three and Sif, afraid they would know how I was failing to be the husband that you deserved, and I welcomed his friendship." He took a shaky breath and kept going.

"Today... today we rode out to the lake, and we went swimming. When he disrobed, my body reacted. I..." He struggled for words, fought with the overwhelming guilt he was feeling. "Please believe me that today was the first day, the first time that I realised what was going on. That I realised that I was not like most of our people, who feel desire for both men and women. Today was the first time that I realised that my body responds to men, and it seems, to men alone." He tried to lift his head, to look at her, but he failed.

"I wanted him. To touch him, to be with him... to take him," Thor said, voice dropping to a whisper. "He begged me to, and I almost succumbed to my desire for his body. I managed to stop... to pull away and to leave, and I left him there and came home. Because... because he wasn't you. You are my wife, and I love you, in every way but this last way. And you deserve a husband who loves you and wants you in all ways. And I do not know what to do."

She regarded him for a very long time after his confession. She was silent and still and then she put her fingers under his chin. "Husband. Look at me." She waited until he finally did. "I love you. You do know that, don't you?"

Thor nodded, throat too tight for words. He knew. That was part of why he felt so guilty. He knew that Loki loved him.

"Now, I want you to listen to me," she said, firmly. "Jotunar are a secretive people. We--they--wanted to give the other realms as little to use against us as possible, especially since falling in battle to Asgard.

"I have heard comments from old warriors about how Jotunn women must be kept hidden. They aren't. The warriors of Jotunheim are not men, not by your reckoning. Frost Giants have no gender as you understand. We are neither male nor female. I am Laufey's child--borne of Laufey. I assumed this shape for you, because it is what Asgard would understand for me to bear your children.

"Look at me. Look at my eyes. You have scarcely met them in all this time that I have been here, from all your shame and your guilt. But look--really look. Don't you know them? Aren't they familiar to you?"

Thor's head swam with the information, trying to process what it all meant. He looked into Loki's eyes, and there was something... something familiar, something just out of his reach. "Loki?" he murmured.

"That is my name," she murmured back. "I'm neither female nor male, not in the way that you understand, but I was never entirely comfortable with this form. I was prepared to try for you, and have only in the last few months started to spend more and more time like this. As Lady Loki."

She paused, and looked away a moment, then looked at Thor again. "'Cesario' is a name I read in one of the adventure stories from the Furlings."

Thor sat back on his heels and stared at her. "Your eyes," he whispered. "His... Cesario?"

"Cesario was a fiction," Loki said. She clasped her hands on her lap and looked down. "I never wanted to lie to you, but it seemed necessary. I needed to hide, to get away, and though my hair and skin and eyes are the same colour, I still look different enough..." She shimmered, changed, and there was the young man Thor first met in the stables. "I avoided your parents, Sif, and the Warriors Three for fear that they might recognise me. Since you so seldom looked at me properly, you didn't recognise me at all."

Thor reached up and touched her--his--cheek. "I hardly know what to think," he admitted. "They are both you. Loki and Cesario."

Loki shook his head. "No. I have always been Loki. I regret lying to you."

"Cesario is not real, but this... this is truly part of who you are?" Thor asked, gesturing to the form Loki was in.

"Yes, my lord," Loki murmured. "This is part of me. It's the very last part of me that remains Jotunn--since I am neither male nor female, I can shift between the two. Perhaps it's part of my magic."

Thor looked back at Loki, thumb still moving over his cheekbone. "Do you mind?" he asked softly.

Loki covered Thor's hand with his own. "Do I mind being touched? Do I mind that you only want me this way? I just want you to desire me as I desire you."

"I did not lie," he said. "I have been falling in love with the mind and soul of Loki, Laufey's daughter, for some time now. Combine that with this body, this body that is yours as much as the other..." Thor trailed off, thumb brushing gently over his cheekbone. "Now I desire you in all ways."

Loki turned his head and kissed Thor's palm. "I love you. It didn't take long, my lord. I think I started to suspect you felt desire for me like this before you did, but it took this afternoon at the lake for me to know. I was distraught that you rejected me all over again."

"I had to," Thor said. "I made you a promise. A promise I didn't know how to keep, but I would not betray you like that. I did not know that Cesario was you."

"If you had just looked me in the eyes more often..." Loki shook his head, then reached out to stroke Thor's cheek. "I wonder if you would have realised sooner."

He leaned into the touch, then met Loki's eyes again. "Loki... Laufey's daughter--and Laufey's son--will you have me?" he murmured.

"Yes, Thor Odinson. I will have you. Always." And Loki leaned down and kissed him, tenderly, as he had done so many times before.

This time... this time, Thor responded. He murmured against Loki's lips as the kiss continued, carefully getting them both up to their feet. "Loki," he whispered.

"Thor." Loki wrapped his arms around Thor and kissed him again and again. And again. "I love you. I don't think I can change my public face after all this time without giving away a secret that the Jotunar want kept--but I will spend my nights like this, with you. I can't bear the thought of losing you now."

"Just promise me that this is real," Thor whispered against Loki's mouth. "Promise me that I won't wake up to find that this is all a dream, and we can make everything else work."

"Does this feel as if it's a dream?" Loki asked. He ran his hands down Thor's back. "Do I feel like a dream?"

"None of it does," Thor said, groaning softly at the touch, pushing back against Loki's body. "Everything is real. So, so real."

Loki held him tight, his hand moving through Thor's hair. "And we have the rest of the night." Loki leaned in and brushed his lips tenderly over Thor's.

"All night," Thor murmured. "All night for me to begin to make up for so much."

Loki slipped his arms around Thor's neck. "And you have a great deal to make up to me, my love," he said, teasingly, with a little glint in his eye.

Thor smiled, but then his expression shifted to something more serious. "Before we begin, I must ask you something first," he said. "I must be certain of something."

"You can ask me anything."

"I feel as though I am getting everything I could have wanted... that you are changing and sacrificing yourself, and I am reaping the benefits. Will you not end up resenting me for this?" Thor asked softly. "For my inability to desire you in one form?"

Loki took Thor's hand and sat down on the edge, pulling Thor down with him. "I love you," Loki said, "and I want what is best for both of us. I am as much Loki now as I am when I am Asgard's princess. What I expect from you, my lord, is for you to love and respect me. I would be your equal. If I am your equal, if we share our duties and responsibilities, then I will not resent you."

"I want that also," Thor said. "Then let me make one suggestion for us both. In here, I am Thor, and you are Loki. If we are equal, there need be no titles between us."

Loki smiled. "I was getting a little bored with the titles, I must admit," he said.

"Good," Thor said, smiling too. "So... are you as untouched in this form as you are in the other?" he asked, his hand trailing down Loki's neck.

Loki closed his eyes for a moment, then looked at Thor again. "It's still me, Thor. Just me. I am untouched by any hands other than my own."

"Then let tonight be the night we change that," Thor murmured. He leaned in for a kiss, extending it this time as his hands moved down Loki's back and Loki leaned in closer. His arms went around Thor and he kissed him back with abandon.

This shouldn't have worked out for them. None of this. There was no way this marriage should have worked; they shouldn't have learned to care for each other. They were too stubborn. They were too pig-headed, both of them, barely into adulthood, barely coming into their own. This never should have worked. But despite all that, and all that had happened between them, Loki loved Thor and had been far more patient than Thor deserved. All his patience had worked out well for them both. They could make this work; Thor loved him, even if they had to hide this part of Loki from the rest of Asgard.

Loki sighed and broke the kiss. He rested his forehead against Thor's and lifted a hand to stroke his hair. He smiled, and leaned back a little to look at Thor, and then got to his feet to pull off his tunic and drop it to the floor.

Thor smiled at Loki, looking his fill as Loki removed his tunic. "My turn, I suppose," he said. He stood and tugged his own off and over his head, letting it fall to the floor. "You are beautiful," he murmured, placing his hand against Loki's chest, sliding it down to his side and resting his hand against his hip.

"So are you, Thor," said Loki. He ran his hands up Thor's arms. "But you've had fewer chances to see me like this than I have to see you." He leaned in for another kiss. "Touch me."

Thor's hand slid up higher and he tilted Loki's chin up so he could kiss him again, licking at Loki's lips, murmuring as his free hand kept moving. He let his fingers dig in a little as they moved up Loki's back, then back down again, skimming the waistband of his trousers. Within moments, Loki broke the kiss so that he could undress completely. He pressed close again and leaned up for more sweet kisses, which seemed to go on forever. Soon enough, Thor could feel Loki tremble against his body.

"Thor... can we... bed, please, the bed?" It seemed there was one way to tie up Loki's silver tongue. He stroked Thor's hair. "Please. It would be very unbecoming of me to fall on you."

"As you wish... the bed," Thor agreed, and lifted Loki up and onto it, following him a moment or two later. Loki touched Thor's cheek, then tugged him in nice and close for more kissing.

The more they kissed and touched, the more Thor's nerves shifted to anticipation. He covered Loki's body with his own and leaned in close, gasping into Loki's mouth as their cocks brushed together.

Loki gasped, too. "Do that again, Thor." Without waiting for a response, he lifted his hips to rock against Thor's.

"Loki," Thor groaned, pushing back against Loki, savouring the friction. "Please, keep moving." Loki was enthusiastic; Thor probably didn't have to tell him to keep going. Loki wrapped his arms around Thor and rocked his hips up, again and again, moaning.

"Thor. Thor, I love you."

It was so simple, really, but so, so good. Better than anything Thor had ever done by himself, certainly. "I love you," he whispered back, voice hoarse. "I do--I have for a while now."

But now Thor could love all of him. Perhaps his love and desire wasn't quite so rigidly defined as Thor thought, but neither of them would bring that up now, not when they were like this, not when it felt so damn good.

Loki gave Thor's hair a little tug, and kissed him again. "Mine," he whispered, against Thor's mouth.

Thor moaned, not sure if it was the possessive words, the tug to his hair... or the sweet slide of Loki's cock against his own. "Yes," he rasped, nodding his head, hips jerking faster.

"Yes. Yes." Loki tugged again, kissed Thor harder, and then jerked hard with a gasp. He tilted his head back and let out a soft cry as he came, spending himself between their bodies.

The extra slick between them and the sound that came out of Loki was all it took to send Thor over the edge too, grinding back against Loki the entire way through his release. "Loki," he whispered.

"We need to do that again," said Loki, several long moments later when the frantic pace of his heart had started to slow. He sounded a little dreamy and far-away.

"Mmm..." Thor murmured, nuzzling in against his shoulder. "We need to do that often."

Loki laughed softly. "Will you stay the rest of the night?"

Thor lifted his head up so he could look at Loki. "I'm hoping that you'll decide you want to stay more than the night," he said.

"Every night," Loki said, touching his finger to Thor's lower lip.

"Every night," Thor said, kissing the tip of Loki's finger. "I love you."

"And I love you."

"And you will be here when I wake up?" Thor asked.

"Always," Loki murmured, pressed in as close to Thor as he could get.

***

They were roused just a few short hours later by one of Loki's maids, who apologised profusely and blushed bright red when she saw Thor. When Loki sat up, she was a lady again, and she did her best to alleviate her maid's embarrassment. By keeping the girl's attention focused on her, she allowed Thor to escape through to his own room to wash up and dress for the day.

Breakfast was not the somber affair that it often was, though Thor and Loki were still very quiet. But instead of staring miserably at their un-eaten meals, they kept looking across at each other, smiling shyly, and once, just once, Loki found herself giggling.

Loki couldn't concentrate on her studies. She was thankful that she only had one lesson with a tutor today. She spent hours on horseback, letting Rowan run where she desired, and this at least took her mind off what it kept drifting toward--finally, finally, having Thor the way she wanted.

She was more comfortable in this body now, and she might even admit that it was largely because she enjoyed the dresses and the hair. She could command so much attention as Lady Loki and it wasn't just the attention paid her by her maids. It was the attention paid her by the court.

But she would never have chosen to invent 'Cesario' if she didn't sometimes need to be Lord Loki, too. She would have to continue to be a princess for the court, but with Thor...

She loved him. She pondered this as she paused and looked out over a river, idly stroking Rowan's neck. She loved him enough to give him what he needed. Maybe she was a romantic, just as Thor had accused Cesario of being--they had been married for less than a year, and it was a marriage neither would have chosen. Maybe she had fallen in love with Thor Odinson because she kept telling herself that she should.

Loki had sacrificed everything, but what had Thor sacrificed? The future he had chosen for himself, certainly. Was it reasonable for her to expect more from him? She had a future of her own now, here, in this remarkable place. Loki would not be King of Jotunheim the way he had once imagined himself. Loki would instead be Queen of Asgard.

Thor would one day rule--and perhaps he could share that rule with his Queen in a way that Odin and Frigga did not. She had told him that she wanted them to be equals. All she could hope was that he would actually give her what she wanted.

In the meantime, there was the politics: her father would need to know what she had done. They would need to speak with Laufey about the secret Loki had spilled. They would need to speak to the All-Father about the treaty--about the future.

But perhaps not just yet. Loki leaned down and ran her hand along Rowan's neck, then turned her to head back to the stables. Thor was all hers now. Maybe for at least a few days, she could be a little bit selfish.

After all these long months of waiting, she owed it to herself.

***

| Chapter 8: Life Less Ordinary |