Fic: "Its All About The God Damn Hand"
Title: “It’s All About The God Damn Hand”
Author: Ash Rose
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1368
Disclaimer: The characters of Harry Potter belong to J.K.Rowling, Warner Bros etc. These boys don't belong to me, unfortunately!
Summary: Harry has some things to say about the new movie.
Authors Note: SPOILERS for the film preview of OotP, blatant use (or misuse) of real and imaginary people, and CAPSLOCK!Harry. But please don’t let that put you off. This was inspired mainly by meredyth_13's meta about a change from film to book in OotP…her musings on the implications behind the change form some of the dialogue. Hopefully she doesn’t mind me using it! I’ll also link to emmagrant01's view on the subject, which also includes pictures of the issue, in case any one hasn’t yet seen. I’m hoping this story makes sense without any of that, but if confused, defiantly check out Mere’s LJ. Also partly written for the AWDT with the prompt “What are you doing with those oranges?” Hope you enjoy!
It had been his third session under the quill of Professor Umbridge, and the cut that had hardly healed from last time, was now a red, raised welt, with the words clear to the eye. Harry’s hand throbbed as he walked through the corridors of Hogwarts.
He raised his arm up, trying to let less blood to his hand, and glanced at it again, knowing already that he would see the words “I must not tell lies.”
“What the hell?!” Harry nearly hit the ceiling with surprise. Looking around him quickly, he ascertained that Hogwarts was still the same, his body was still the same but… the words he knew he had just spent hours inscribing into his had were somehow not there. Not gone…but different.
"I will not break rules"
Okay. He needed to calm down. Surely this wasn’t that big a deal. But…he looked at his hand again…it was a big deal. He knew what he had just written, and it defiantly was not “I will not break rules.”
It just felt wrong.
RIGHT, WE ARE STOPPING THINGS RIGHT THERE
Everyone looks at each other. What was that?
NO, I’M ACTUALLY SERIOUS THIS TIME
One of the cameramen pipes up. “Um, who are you?”
WHO DO YOU THING I AM? YOU’RE MAKING A BLOODY MOVIE ABOUT ME, YOU DUMBWIT. AND NOT A VERY GOOD ONE AT THAT.
This time it is a lighting guy who speaks. “You’re Harry Potter? But you’re not real.”
(THERE IS THE DISTINCT SOUND OF A WAND BEING TAKEN OUT OF A POCKET)
LEVICORPUS
The lighting guy screams, as do the people around him. For suddenly, he is upside down, 3 meters in the air.
ALL RIGHT, NO NEED TO FREAK OUT. I’M HARRY POTTER - SAVIOUR OF THE PEOPLE, IN CASE YOU HADN’T WORKED IT OUT. I’M NOT LIKELY TO HURT YOU NOW, AM I?
There is confusion galore on the set. No one knows what is happening, people are screaming, shouting, running. Then steps forward a blond headed boy.
”Shut Up!”
DRACO? WHAT HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?
“Ugh…Harry, if that is really you, my name is actually Tom. Tom Felton. I play Draco in the movies - that is, in your movies.”
OH. SORRY. SOMETIMES IT JUST GETS ALL MUDDLED IN MY HEAD - MOVIES AND MY LIFE
The lighting guy has now progressed onto whimpering, but otherwise the set has quieted down again. Tom glances at the poor man.
“Harry, do you think you could let Barry down now? I think you’ve proved your point.”
OH YES. SORRY ABOUT THAT - BARRY WAS IT? I DIDN’T MEAN TO SCARE YOU.
LIBERACORPUS
Slowly Barry turns the right way up - his eyes are as wide as saucers - and then with a sigh of relief all around, his feet touch the ground.
Another person steps forward onto the set to stand with Tom. “Harry, my name is Dan and I - “
PLAY ME IN THE FILMS. YES I KNOW. YOU DON’T DO A BAD JOB. THE FANDOM GIRLS CERTAINLY SEEM TO LIKE YOU - AND YOU ALSO TOM. IT’S CERTAINLY CHANGED MY VIEW OF MALFOY AND ME.
“That’s…good.” Dan glances at Tom, confused.
BUT YOU ARE GETTING ME DISTRACTED. I NEED TO GET A FEW THINGS STRAIGHT WITH YOU.
“Ugh…sure. What was your problem Harry?” Tom says, staring down David Yates, who had been about to say something.
A LOT OF THINGS REALLY. FOR ONE, I’VE GOT SOMEONE GOING AFTER MY ASS HERE… HEY, STOP THAT!
A loud chuckle echoes through the set. Dan starts to laugh as well, then realises that everyone is staring at him, and stops.
SORRY. GOT DISTRACTED YET AGAIN. BUT LETS GET ONTO BUISNESS HERE.
I HAVE A LOT OF ISSUES WITH THE MOVIES YOU GUYS HAVE MADE ABOUT ME. I MEAN, CUTTING ORIGINAL PLOT TO PUT IN STUPID THINGS LIKE DRAGON CHASES THROUGH THE ROOF OF HOGWARTS.
IT MAY HAVE BEEN PRETTY AND SHINEY, BUT ALL IT REALLY SHOWED ME AS WAS LUCKY AND STUPID - AND THAT SECOND PART IS NOT TRUE AT ALL, NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS.
“No, you - I - I mean… you are not stupid at all Harry.” After so long playing Harry, it is only natural that Dan starts to mix things up.
THANK YOU DAN
I’D ALSO LIKE TO SAY, IN EVERY FILM, YOU’VE GIVEN HALF OF RON’S LINES TO HERMIONE, WHICH COMPLETELY CHANGES MY FRIENDS …THEY ARE DIFFERENT PEOPLE YOU KNOW.
“Sure they are Harry…we know that.”
WELL, IT CERTAINLY DOESN’T LOOK THAT WAY. I WANT MY BEST FRIENDS BACK THEY WAY THEY WERE MEANT TO BE!
Both Dan and Tom look at David, who has bewilderment plastered on his face.
“What?” he silently mouths at them.
“Say yes -“ both Dan and Tom mouth back.
“Ugh…”
YES DAVID? WAS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANTED TO SAY TO ME?
“We’ll change it - from now on - so that no lines are mixed up. “
There is silence, and no one dares move.
THAT SOUNDS OKAY.
I MEAN, I’M NOT REALLY ASKING FOR PERFECTION, AND THERE WILL ALWAYS BE THINGS THAT I DON’T UNDERSTAND - LIKE WHAT YOU ARE DOING WITH THOSE ORANGES IN THE PROPHECY SCENE COMPLETELY BAFFLES ME.
I DO UNDERSTAND THE NEED TO CHANGE THINGS AROUND FOR ‘DRAMATIC EFFECT’.
BUT THERE ARE JUST SOME LINES THAT SHOULD NEVER BE CROSSED.
The whole cast and crew are nodding their heads - who wouldn’t agree with an all powerful, stroppy star?
AND THAT BRINGS ME ONTO MY LAST POINT. I’VE BEEN WATCHING YOU ALL FOR YEARS NOW, AND AS YOU CAN TELL, I’VE HAD A FEW PROBLEMS. BUT THERE IS ONE LINE THAT YOU HAVE CROSSED NOW, WHICH I CAN’T LET GO.
Everyone is looking at each other, wondering what the hell they could have done wrong this time. Dan and Tom have moved closer to each other…Harry might be the hero of the story, but he was showing some downright maniacal tendencies at the moment.
WHAT IS WITH THE HAND?!!!!!!
In his fright, Tom nearly jumps into Dan’s arms.
THE HAND PEOPLE, THE HAND! DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF DAMAGE THIS COULD DO IN MY WORLD? YOU ARE MUCKING AROUND WITH MY HISTORY, AND THE WRITING ON THE HAND IS AN ALL IMPORTANT PLOT LINE!
WHEN YOU WRITE ‘I WILL NOT BREAK RULES’ ON MY HAND, YOU CHANGE A FUNDAMENTAL PART OF MY STORY. HOW DOES IT FIT IN? I AM MEANT TO BE EMOTIONALLY FRAUGHT AT THIS POINT, BUT IF ALL I’M DOING IS BREAKING RULES, IT MAKES ME INTO A RULE BREAKING LITTLE SHIT STIRRER.
There is a chuckle at this from someone on set, but everyone is trying to look innocent.
UMBRIDGE PUNISHES ME BECAUSE I’M TRYING TO TELL EVERYONE THAT VOLDERMORT IS BACK. THAT’S WHY I’M REBELLING. YOU CHANGE THAT, AND WHAT - YOU’VE JUST MANAGED TO GET RID OF THE WHOLE POINT OF MY 5TH YEAR!
David Yates starts to open his mouth to protest.
DON’T ARGUE WITH ME, YOU DO.
He closes his mouth.
DAN, HOLD OUT YOUR HAND.
Dan slowly stretches out his hand, so the words “I will not break rules” are shown.
TOM, USE YOUR SHIRT TO RUB THOSE WORDS OFF
Tom grabs the bottom corner of his Slytherin green shirt, holds Dan’s hand steady with his own, and rubs at the words.
RIGHT, THAT’S ENOUGH. ONE SECOND -
Everyone waits nervously.
SCRIBULUS
And there, on Dan’s, are the words “I must not tell lies”
Dan gasps, and starts to touch his hand.
DON’T. IT’S NOT REAL, DON’T WORRY, DID YOU REALLY THINK I’D DO THAT?
“Ugh, no Harry.” Dan says, but is relieved all the same.
SO NOW THAT’S ALL FIXED UP, YOU CAN ALL START FILMING AGAIN.
Everyone relaxes a little.
JUST REMEMBER WHAT I SAID…AND TRY TO STICK TO WHAT JO WROTE A LITTLE MORE. SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE IS TALKING ABOUT. RIGHT THEN, I SUPPOSE I’D BETTER BE OFF -
“Harry?” says Tom, interrupting him.
WHAT?
“I was just wondering…what happens in the end…to me - I mean to Draco?”
LETS JUST SAY - WHO DO YOU THINK IT WAS GOING AFTER MY ASS - OH NO, NOT AGAIN - - -
Harry’s voice is more muffled as it yells -
BLOODY HELL DRACO, STOP DISTRACTING ME WHEN I’M TALKING TO PEOPLE!
finis
Author: Ash Rose
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1368
Disclaimer: The characters of Harry Potter belong to J.K.Rowling, Warner Bros etc. These boys don't belong to me, unfortunately!
Summary: Harry has some things to say about the new movie.
Authors Note: SPOILERS for the film preview of OotP, blatant use (or misuse) of real and imaginary people, and CAPSLOCK!Harry. But please don’t let that put you off. This was inspired mainly by meredyth_13's meta about a change from film to book in OotP…her musings on the implications behind the change form some of the dialogue. Hopefully she doesn’t mind me using it! I’ll also link to emmagrant01's view on the subject, which also includes pictures of the issue, in case any one hasn’t yet seen. I’m hoping this story makes sense without any of that, but if confused, defiantly check out Mere’s LJ. Also partly written for the AWDT with the prompt “What are you doing with those oranges?” Hope you enjoy!
It had been his third session under the quill of Professor Umbridge, and the cut that had hardly healed from last time, was now a red, raised welt, with the words clear to the eye. Harry’s hand throbbed as he walked through the corridors of Hogwarts.
He raised his arm up, trying to let less blood to his hand, and glanced at it again, knowing already that he would see the words “I must not tell lies.”
“What the hell?!” Harry nearly hit the ceiling with surprise. Looking around him quickly, he ascertained that Hogwarts was still the same, his body was still the same but… the words he knew he had just spent hours inscribing into his had were somehow not there. Not gone…but different.
"I will not break rules"
Okay. He needed to calm down. Surely this wasn’t that big a deal. But…he looked at his hand again…it was a big deal. He knew what he had just written, and it defiantly was not “I will not break rules.”
It just felt wrong.
RIGHT, WE ARE STOPPING THINGS RIGHT THERE
Everyone looks at each other. What was that?
NO, I’M ACTUALLY SERIOUS THIS TIME
One of the cameramen pipes up. “Um, who are you?”
WHO DO YOU THING I AM? YOU’RE MAKING A BLOODY MOVIE ABOUT ME, YOU DUMBWIT. AND NOT A VERY GOOD ONE AT THAT.
This time it is a lighting guy who speaks. “You’re Harry Potter? But you’re not real.”
(THERE IS THE DISTINCT SOUND OF A WAND BEING TAKEN OUT OF A POCKET)
LEVICORPUS
The lighting guy screams, as do the people around him. For suddenly, he is upside down, 3 meters in the air.
ALL RIGHT, NO NEED TO FREAK OUT. I’M HARRY POTTER - SAVIOUR OF THE PEOPLE, IN CASE YOU HADN’T WORKED IT OUT. I’M NOT LIKELY TO HURT YOU NOW, AM I?
There is confusion galore on the set. No one knows what is happening, people are screaming, shouting, running. Then steps forward a blond headed boy.
”Shut Up!”
DRACO? WHAT HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?
“Ugh…Harry, if that is really you, my name is actually Tom. Tom Felton. I play Draco in the movies - that is, in your movies.”
OH. SORRY. SOMETIMES IT JUST GETS ALL MUDDLED IN MY HEAD - MOVIES AND MY LIFE
The lighting guy has now progressed onto whimpering, but otherwise the set has quieted down again. Tom glances at the poor man.
“Harry, do you think you could let Barry down now? I think you’ve proved your point.”
OH YES. SORRY ABOUT THAT - BARRY WAS IT? I DIDN’T MEAN TO SCARE YOU.
LIBERACORPUS
Slowly Barry turns the right way up - his eyes are as wide as saucers - and then with a sigh of relief all around, his feet touch the ground.
Another person steps forward onto the set to stand with Tom. “Harry, my name is Dan and I - “
PLAY ME IN THE FILMS. YES I KNOW. YOU DON’T DO A BAD JOB. THE FANDOM GIRLS CERTAINLY SEEM TO LIKE YOU - AND YOU ALSO TOM. IT’S CERTAINLY CHANGED MY VIEW OF MALFOY AND ME.
“That’s…good.” Dan glances at Tom, confused.
BUT YOU ARE GETTING ME DISTRACTED. I NEED TO GET A FEW THINGS STRAIGHT WITH YOU.
“Ugh…sure. What was your problem Harry?” Tom says, staring down David Yates, who had been about to say something.
A LOT OF THINGS REALLY. FOR ONE, I’VE GOT SOMEONE GOING AFTER MY ASS HERE… HEY, STOP THAT!
A loud chuckle echoes through the set. Dan starts to laugh as well, then realises that everyone is staring at him, and stops.
SORRY. GOT DISTRACTED YET AGAIN. BUT LETS GET ONTO BUISNESS HERE.
I HAVE A LOT OF ISSUES WITH THE MOVIES YOU GUYS HAVE MADE ABOUT ME. I MEAN, CUTTING ORIGINAL PLOT TO PUT IN STUPID THINGS LIKE DRAGON CHASES THROUGH THE ROOF OF HOGWARTS.
IT MAY HAVE BEEN PRETTY AND SHINEY, BUT ALL IT REALLY SHOWED ME AS WAS LUCKY AND STUPID - AND THAT SECOND PART IS NOT TRUE AT ALL, NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS.
“No, you - I - I mean… you are not stupid at all Harry.” After so long playing Harry, it is only natural that Dan starts to mix things up.
THANK YOU DAN
I’D ALSO LIKE TO SAY, IN EVERY FILM, YOU’VE GIVEN HALF OF RON’S LINES TO HERMIONE, WHICH COMPLETELY CHANGES MY FRIENDS …THEY ARE DIFFERENT PEOPLE YOU KNOW.
“Sure they are Harry…we know that.”
WELL, IT CERTAINLY DOESN’T LOOK THAT WAY. I WANT MY BEST FRIENDS BACK THEY WAY THEY WERE MEANT TO BE!
Both Dan and Tom look at David, who has bewilderment plastered on his face.
“What?” he silently mouths at them.
“Say yes -“ both Dan and Tom mouth back.
“Ugh…”
YES DAVID? WAS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANTED TO SAY TO ME?
“We’ll change it - from now on - so that no lines are mixed up. “
There is silence, and no one dares move.
THAT SOUNDS OKAY.
I MEAN, I’M NOT REALLY ASKING FOR PERFECTION, AND THERE WILL ALWAYS BE THINGS THAT I DON’T UNDERSTAND - LIKE WHAT YOU ARE DOING WITH THOSE ORANGES IN THE PROPHECY SCENE COMPLETELY BAFFLES ME.
I DO UNDERSTAND THE NEED TO CHANGE THINGS AROUND FOR ‘DRAMATIC EFFECT’.
BUT THERE ARE JUST SOME LINES THAT SHOULD NEVER BE CROSSED.
The whole cast and crew are nodding their heads - who wouldn’t agree with an all powerful, stroppy star?
AND THAT BRINGS ME ONTO MY LAST POINT. I’VE BEEN WATCHING YOU ALL FOR YEARS NOW, AND AS YOU CAN TELL, I’VE HAD A FEW PROBLEMS. BUT THERE IS ONE LINE THAT YOU HAVE CROSSED NOW, WHICH I CAN’T LET GO.
Everyone is looking at each other, wondering what the hell they could have done wrong this time. Dan and Tom have moved closer to each other…Harry might be the hero of the story, but he was showing some downright maniacal tendencies at the moment.
WHAT IS WITH THE HAND?!!!!!!
In his fright, Tom nearly jumps into Dan’s arms.
THE HAND PEOPLE, THE HAND! DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF DAMAGE THIS COULD DO IN MY WORLD? YOU ARE MUCKING AROUND WITH MY HISTORY, AND THE WRITING ON THE HAND IS AN ALL IMPORTANT PLOT LINE!
WHEN YOU WRITE ‘I WILL NOT BREAK RULES’ ON MY HAND, YOU CHANGE A FUNDAMENTAL PART OF MY STORY. HOW DOES IT FIT IN? I AM MEANT TO BE EMOTIONALLY FRAUGHT AT THIS POINT, BUT IF ALL I’M DOING IS BREAKING RULES, IT MAKES ME INTO A RULE BREAKING LITTLE SHIT STIRRER.
There is a chuckle at this from someone on set, but everyone is trying to look innocent.
UMBRIDGE PUNISHES ME BECAUSE I’M TRYING TO TELL EVERYONE THAT VOLDERMORT IS BACK. THAT’S WHY I’M REBELLING. YOU CHANGE THAT, AND WHAT - YOU’VE JUST MANAGED TO GET RID OF THE WHOLE POINT OF MY 5TH YEAR!
David Yates starts to open his mouth to protest.
DON’T ARGUE WITH ME, YOU DO.
He closes his mouth.
DAN, HOLD OUT YOUR HAND.
Dan slowly stretches out his hand, so the words “I will not break rules” are shown.
TOM, USE YOUR SHIRT TO RUB THOSE WORDS OFF
Tom grabs the bottom corner of his Slytherin green shirt, holds Dan’s hand steady with his own, and rubs at the words.
RIGHT, THAT’S ENOUGH. ONE SECOND -
Everyone waits nervously.
SCRIBULUS
And there, on Dan’s, are the words “I must not tell lies”
Dan gasps, and starts to touch his hand.
DON’T. IT’S NOT REAL, DON’T WORRY, DID YOU REALLY THINK I’D DO THAT?
“Ugh, no Harry.” Dan says, but is relieved all the same.
SO NOW THAT’S ALL FIXED UP, YOU CAN ALL START FILMING AGAIN.
Everyone relaxes a little.
JUST REMEMBER WHAT I SAID…AND TRY TO STICK TO WHAT JO WROTE A LITTLE MORE. SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE IS TALKING ABOUT. RIGHT THEN, I SUPPOSE I’D BETTER BE OFF -
“Harry?” says Tom, interrupting him.
WHAT?
“I was just wondering…what happens in the end…to me - I mean to Draco?”
LETS JUST SAY - WHO DO YOU THINK IT WAS GOING AFTER MY ASS - OH NO, NOT AGAIN - - -
Harry’s voice is more muffled as it yells -
BLOODY HELL DRACO, STOP DISTRACTING ME WHEN I’M TALKING TO PEOPLE!
finis