By Jack Handy
And NOW.....DEEP THOUGHTS
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "...that was fun!"-
My girlfriend says I never listen to her (at least I think that's what she said).
The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "...that was fun!"-
My girlfriend says I never listen to her (at least I think that's what she said).
The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.