...I wish I coulda gone to school...
...as I sit here alone, I think of all the people I truly miss, all the people I have hurt, and all the people that are no longer close to me...
My new found love LJ, well he's so amazing, and he makes me sooo happy you can't even begin to understand, but sometimes I wonder if I am making the right choice, if this is really what I want to do...and well I've always told myself I will never love again like my first love...but somehow I am slowly finding myself falling into that trap again...and with a huge fear of getting hurt, I freak... Nothing like being in a relationship, and being scared I suppose, I just wonder if I am bringing too much into my life that wasn't there before...am I pretending to accept things to make others happy? But for the last two weeks we've spent every day together...and now he's at home...and I'm here...I miss him so much...I'm just scared that I miss him too much...
I have also come to know that my bestest friend in the whole wide world...really isn't my best friend anymore...it just brings tears to my eyes thinking that this one person that well...knows me better than I know myself...isn't there anymore...and well, it's my fault...it's all my fault...and well I don't know how to fix it...I mean it's just that since this person has been gone...my life has changed so much...and it's so hard...Since graduation I've done nothing but work, not only work...but wipe ass and take care of old people...and well I feel like I didn't even have a summer...I didn't get to spend time with the people that I needed to spend time with before they left for college...Hell I didn't even get to go to college....the most important thing in my life to me...and the one thing that I had so many plans for...all hit rock bottom...and I didn't get to go...and well my friend...seems to think she's all alone and doesnt have anyone anymore...when really now that I see the big picture...I'm alone too...not only that...I'm alone...and I'm scared...I could have prevented everything that ever happened between the two of us...but I decided to take the easy way out and run from the whole situation...and the one thing that meant anything to me and that made me happy straight up walked out of my life...and no one would tell me why...so I started pointing fingers...and well she let me down...I didn't want to accept it...but I need her in my life...I get so scared sometimes that I don't know what to do...I don't know where I'm going...and I need that support...isn't it ironic how we fell the same, think the same, need the same...just like...poptarts?
*ash*