Mar 28, 2005 17:14
Everything seems to be slipping away. Almost as if everything is twisting and turning, changing in front of me...but all I can do is sit here and watch, I wanna try so hard to stop it all, but I can't...It sorta scares me...I'm not in control of things like I used to be, I think I'm becoming weaker...I try to stay strong and hang on as long as I can, but eventually I have to let go...but I'm scared to...Sometimes I wonder if this is how things were supposed to turn out, am I really supposed to be here, is this what I'm supposed to be doing with my life...I feel like I'm stuck and I can't get out...I feel like all I do is listen all the time, and give my input on everything, but when I have something to say it seems as though I'm standing there waving my hands in the air, jumping up and down screaming, and no one can hear me...it's almost like I'm crying out for help, but it just can't be seen..it's not about "us" anymore...it's all changing..I wanna go home so bad, just for one night to sleep in MY bed, in MY room alone..."with the radio turned up so loud that no one hears ya screamin" ...I miss my mommy...I miss her so much...I wasn't ready to leave...and I'm still not ready to be gone...I want everything to be normal again..but now I'm held down by love..it's almost as if I can't be without him...and I don't want to be without him because I love him...I'm just so scared that it's going to blow up any moment now..it's almost as if I'm waiting for it..and it shouldn't be that way...I won't leave him, I don't want to leave him...I just wanna be me again, with friends...lots of friends..and my family...and my molly...I miss it all so much..and I can't have it back...it's never going to be the same...I just have to keep my head up now, and stay strong..and just keep going...my pieces will be back together soon..I just have to take time to fit them in the right places...eventually everything will be perfect again...I think I'm still homesick...hopefully that will go away soon...and this will feel like home...
...you know you love me...
ashley