Ringing Up Batman
I started having a conversation with Jenn about... a lot of things. Involving me being knit a wedding dress, and growing a penis, which was inspired by Geoducks, these crazy-ass clams. We wound up discussing if the Batman characters had text messaging...
So, without further ado I present...
In the style of Growing Up Cullen because you have to love oxymoronassoc
asgt : You know, you're the second one of my friends who has tried to grow a penis
jlo_abbott srsly?
jlo_abbott why so srs?
jlo_abbott well, it'd be like this "y so srs?"
jlo_abbott if the joker had text messaging and texted gordon and batman.
asgt That'd be amazing.
asgt Batman would type with perfect spelling and grammar.
jlo_abbott he would.
asgt And he totally has two phones. One is his Batline and the other his his Bruce Wayne line
jlo_abbott "SHUT UP, JOKER. I AM BUSY FUCKING SELINA."
asgt And Selina would be like, "What's wrong, Brucey?" and he'd be all "Just one of the guys from work, you know. Wanted to go out and get drinks."
jlo_abbott and then she'd get a text and it'd be the joker and he's like, "tell bruce to die, kthx."
asgt And she'd be like, 'WTF WHY DO YOU HAVE MY NUMBER?' but she's Selina, so who doesn't have her number.
asgt Gordon wouldn't know how to text.
jlo_abbott no, selina and the joker are tight.
jlo_abbott he's like, "WHAT? BARBRA, HELP ME WITH THIS!"
asgt ...I was just about to type this.
jlo_abbott and she's like, "Uncle, relax."
asgt And Babs would do it in like, ten seconds, even though she totally doesn't text.
asgt And go into a detailed explanation about how it works.
jlo_abbott yeah.
jlo_abbott i think it would be funny if bruce was like, "who texted you?"
jlo_abbott and she's like, "my pimp."
asgt He'd fall out of bed. Bruce Wayne doesn't do hos. He does classy ladies.
asgt Though Selina is both.
jlo_abbott but she's sarcastic.
jlo_abbott and of course they're in bed together.
asgt Oh, of course. He'd be smoking. That's how he gets his batman voice. It's his smoker voice.
jlo_abbott they'd be smoking pot.
asgt Probs. But he'd be doing ten times less, because if he got high he would totally wind up saying 'Oh, P.S. I'm the Batman'
jlo_abbott yeah. and she's like, "THIS IS HOW I CLIMB BUILDINGS!"
asgt ...Alfred would walk in on them.
asgt Be like, "Er, sorry, Master Bruce" turn around and leave.
asgt Blushing.
jlo_abbott unless it was michael caine.
jlo_abbott he'd be like, "mr. bruce, there's a russian broad to see you."
asgt Haha
jlo_abbott except i could see selina and michael! alfred getting along.
...
asgt Oh, everyone would have custom ringtones for each other.
jlo_abbott totally.
jlo_abbott bruce's ringtone for selina is probably maneater.
asgt Probs.
jlo_abbott or black cat by janet jackson.
asgt Also very possible.
asgt The Joker would probably have the Law & Order theme for whenever Gordon called.
jlo_abbott OH YEAH.
jlo_abbott selina for bruce: rock you like a hurricane by scorpions. or american boy by estelle ft. kanye west.
asgt Potentially.
jlo_abbott or i want you to want me by cheap trick.
jlo_abbott she totally has a stripper song either way.
asgt That one works best.
asgt Harley would totally have Crazy in Love by Beyonce for whenever the Joker called. Or something ridiculous.
jlo_abbott ahahaha.
asgt NO! Bruce should have Roxanne by The Police for Selina
jlo_abbott OH YES. WIN!
jlo_abbott or abracadbra!
asgt I wanna reach out and grab ya!
asgt No, he'd have that for Slutzana
jlo_abbott and he's like, "THIS IS OVER. GTG FUCK MY NOT-GIRLFRIEND."
jlo_abbott no, he'd have something sweet for slutzana.
jlo_abbott and then when selina's mad at bruce she changes his ringtone to womanizer.
asgt But of course!
asgt Harley would be like, "Down my suit. Your boobs should hide it!"
jlo_abbott and then she's like, "thanks babe. ttyl!"
asgt OH! Everyone would have Do You Hear The People Sing for Harvey Dent.
jlo_abbott OH. THE JOKER/HARLEY SHOULD HAVE BONNIE & CLYDE BY JAY-Z FT. BEYONCE.
asgt YES. PERFECT!
jlo_abbott ahahaha.
jlo_abbott selina would be like, "WTF IS THIS SHIT?"
asgt But when he's Two-Face, I'm feeling a Epiphany, Sweeney Todd ringtone for Harvey.
jlo_abbott "harvey, you're going to be hot n cold."
asgt And Harvey would be like, "NO. LES MISERABLES IS CLASSIC!"
jlo_abbott and she'd be like, "yeah, whatever. flip your coin and come already."
asgt Hahaha "Damn, five more minutes."
asgt Selina wouldn't listen, though. She'd be like, FUCK THAT SHIT and do it anyway.
jlo_abbott when does selina listen?
asgt Good question
jlo_abbott when does she not say "FUCK THAT SHIT?"
asgt Better question.
jlo_abbott unless it's bruce.
asgt It's like her catchphrase.
asgt Well, then she WILL be fucking that
jlo_abbott additionally, my catchphrase.
asgt so all is well.
asgt Well, duh. You're Catwoman.
…..
jlo_abbott yeahhh. harvey dent = hot n cold in the selina playlist.
jlo_abbott btw, selina would eat geoducks
asgt She would.
jlo_abbott she'd be like, "bruce isn't even this big!"
jlo_abbott and then harley and posion ivy are like, "TMI!"
asgt Oh totally.
asgt Harley would be like, "Mistah J is!”
jlo_abbott and then selina looks at her and she's like, "NOT FAIR. i pick the totally wrong one."
jlo_abbott and then pamela is just like, "i thought he was huge."
jlo_abbott it's like SEX IN THE CITY: GOTHAM CITY.
asgt YES OMG YES
jlo_abbott THAT'S WHAT THOSE RINGTONES ARE FOR.
jlo_abbott SEX IN THE CITY: GOTHAM.
asgt We figured it out
asgt we win.
jlo_abbott i think harley would have "THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW" as her Joker ringtone.
asgt Oh my god, she would.
jlo_abbott except she'd be like, "these lyrics are stupid."
jlo_abbott and she'd rewrite them to fit the joker.
jlo_abbott And sing it herself
asgt OF COURSE
asgt And does he send you yellow bombs when the skies are grey, heeeeyyy
jlo_abbott "DOES HE MAKE YOU SMILE WITH TORTURE?!"
....
jlo_abbott SONNERIE VERS LE HAUT DE L'HOMME DE BATTE
jlo_abbott that's ringing up batman in french.
I hope you enjoyed!
So, without further ado I present...
In the style of Growing Up Cullen because you have to love oxymoronassoc
asgt : You know, you're the second one of my friends who has tried to grow a penis
jlo_abbott srsly?
jlo_abbott why so srs?
jlo_abbott well, it'd be like this "y so srs?"
jlo_abbott if the joker had text messaging and texted gordon and batman.
asgt That'd be amazing.
asgt Batman would type with perfect spelling and grammar.
jlo_abbott he would.
asgt And he totally has two phones. One is his Batline and the other his his Bruce Wayne line
jlo_abbott "SHUT UP, JOKER. I AM BUSY FUCKING SELINA."
asgt And Selina would be like, "What's wrong, Brucey?" and he'd be all "Just one of the guys from work, you know. Wanted to go out and get drinks."
jlo_abbott and then she'd get a text and it'd be the joker and he's like, "tell bruce to die, kthx."
asgt And she'd be like, 'WTF WHY DO YOU HAVE MY NUMBER?' but she's Selina, so who doesn't have her number.
asgt Gordon wouldn't know how to text.
jlo_abbott no, selina and the joker are tight.
jlo_abbott he's like, "WHAT? BARBRA, HELP ME WITH THIS!"
asgt ...I was just about to type this.
jlo_abbott and she's like, "Uncle, relax."
asgt And Babs would do it in like, ten seconds, even though she totally doesn't text.
asgt And go into a detailed explanation about how it works.
jlo_abbott yeah.
jlo_abbott i think it would be funny if bruce was like, "who texted you?"
jlo_abbott and she's like, "my pimp."
asgt He'd fall out of bed. Bruce Wayne doesn't do hos. He does classy ladies.
asgt Though Selina is both.
jlo_abbott but she's sarcastic.
jlo_abbott and of course they're in bed together.
asgt Oh, of course. He'd be smoking. That's how he gets his batman voice. It's his smoker voice.
jlo_abbott they'd be smoking pot.
asgt Probs. But he'd be doing ten times less, because if he got high he would totally wind up saying 'Oh, P.S. I'm the Batman'
jlo_abbott yeah. and she's like, "THIS IS HOW I CLIMB BUILDINGS!"
asgt ...Alfred would walk in on them.
asgt Be like, "Er, sorry, Master Bruce" turn around and leave.
asgt Blushing.
jlo_abbott unless it was michael caine.
jlo_abbott he'd be like, "mr. bruce, there's a russian broad to see you."
asgt Haha
jlo_abbott except i could see selina and michael! alfred getting along.
...
asgt Oh, everyone would have custom ringtones for each other.
jlo_abbott totally.
jlo_abbott bruce's ringtone for selina is probably maneater.
asgt Probs.
jlo_abbott or black cat by janet jackson.
asgt Also very possible.
asgt The Joker would probably have the Law & Order theme for whenever Gordon called.
jlo_abbott OH YEAH.
jlo_abbott selina for bruce: rock you like a hurricane by scorpions. or american boy by estelle ft. kanye west.
asgt Potentially.
jlo_abbott or i want you to want me by cheap trick.
jlo_abbott she totally has a stripper song either way.
asgt That one works best.
asgt Harley would totally have Crazy in Love by Beyonce for whenever the Joker called. Or something ridiculous.
jlo_abbott ahahaha.
asgt NO! Bruce should have Roxanne by The Police for Selina
jlo_abbott OH YES. WIN!
jlo_abbott or abracadbra!
asgt I wanna reach out and grab ya!
asgt No, he'd have that for Slutzana
jlo_abbott and he's like, "THIS IS OVER. GTG FUCK MY NOT-GIRLFRIEND."
jlo_abbott no, he'd have something sweet for slutzana.
jlo_abbott and then when selina's mad at bruce she changes his ringtone to womanizer.
asgt But of course!
asgt Harley would be like, "Down my suit. Your boobs should hide it!"
jlo_abbott and then she's like, "thanks babe. ttyl!"
asgt OH! Everyone would have Do You Hear The People Sing for Harvey Dent.
jlo_abbott OH. THE JOKER/HARLEY SHOULD HAVE BONNIE & CLYDE BY JAY-Z FT. BEYONCE.
asgt YES. PERFECT!
jlo_abbott ahahaha.
jlo_abbott selina would be like, "WTF IS THIS SHIT?"
asgt But when he's Two-Face, I'm feeling a Epiphany, Sweeney Todd ringtone for Harvey.
jlo_abbott "harvey, you're going to be hot n cold."
asgt And Harvey would be like, "NO. LES MISERABLES IS CLASSIC!"
jlo_abbott and she'd be like, "yeah, whatever. flip your coin and come already."
asgt Hahaha "Damn, five more minutes."
asgt Selina wouldn't listen, though. She'd be like, FUCK THAT SHIT and do it anyway.
jlo_abbott when does selina listen?
asgt Good question
jlo_abbott when does she not say "FUCK THAT SHIT?"
asgt Better question.
jlo_abbott unless it's bruce.
asgt It's like her catchphrase.
asgt Well, then she WILL be fucking that
jlo_abbott additionally, my catchphrase.
asgt so all is well.
asgt Well, duh. You're Catwoman.
…..
jlo_abbott yeahhh. harvey dent = hot n cold in the selina playlist.
jlo_abbott btw, selina would eat geoducks
asgt She would.
jlo_abbott she'd be like, "bruce isn't even this big!"
jlo_abbott and then harley and posion ivy are like, "TMI!"
asgt Oh totally.
asgt Harley would be like, "Mistah J is!”
jlo_abbott and then selina looks at her and she's like, "NOT FAIR. i pick the totally wrong one."
jlo_abbott and then pamela is just like, "i thought he was huge."
jlo_abbott it's like SEX IN THE CITY: GOTHAM CITY.
asgt YES OMG YES
jlo_abbott THAT'S WHAT THOSE RINGTONES ARE FOR.
jlo_abbott SEX IN THE CITY: GOTHAM.
asgt We figured it out
asgt we win.
jlo_abbott i think harley would have "THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW" as her Joker ringtone.
asgt Oh my god, she would.
jlo_abbott except she'd be like, "these lyrics are stupid."
jlo_abbott and she'd rewrite them to fit the joker.
jlo_abbott And sing it herself
asgt OF COURSE
asgt And does he send you yellow bombs when the skies are grey, heeeeyyy
jlo_abbott "DOES HE MAKE YOU SMILE WITH TORTURE?!"
....
jlo_abbott SONNERIE VERS LE HAUT DE L'HOMME DE BATTE
jlo_abbott that's ringing up batman in french.
I hope you enjoyed!