Comments | asellus24: The beginning is a very good place to begin.

asellus24

The beginning is a very good place to begin.

Jun 02, 2010 03:47

Okay, I think I have it now. This is the first chapter, and follows the prologue of De Anima, a novelization of the rpg for the SNES, Mystic Ark. Have fun. (Yes, I know I just posted the prologue after this chapter. So I'm inconsistent. It's not the worst of all crimes.)

( It's always the hot-headed rookies that get the ball rolling. )

fanfic, deanima

Comments 13

Beta-read/comments - Pt 1 anonymous July 1 2010, 01:45:10 UTC

Hey, White Isle. scharlie18 here ( ... )

Re: Beta-read/comments - Pt 1 asellus24 July 1 2010, 03:04:54 UTC

Hooray for beta-reading! This is awesome... *explodes in happiness ( ... )

Beta-read/comments Pt 2 anonymous July 1 2010, 01:48:56 UTC

11. "Calico was the doctor, and Bragg, for a moment, hoped, as a pulse lept underneath Bragg's paw." Did Bragg stop hoping after the moment was over? What was he hoping - that Calico was a doctor? I know what you're trying to say, but I think you could word it better ( ... )

Re: Beta-read/comments Pt 2 asellus24 July 1 2010, 03:26:50 UTC

12 and 17 will be difficult to work with, because in the game, they're considered ALL humans (I guess you don't consider anthropomorphic cats human, and some won't, I suppose.) The regular NPC's, everyone except Ferris herself, are cat-people. And they never seem to recognize that she's not a cat-person, except to remark that she has no pointy ears, tail, whiskers, fur, etc.

I'm pretty lost on what to do with that. Any suggestions?

14 I didn't follow you at first, but now I see what you're talking about. I didn't mean to mention her name until Calico asked for it. This was taken from the old draft, actually, now that I remember. Whoops. 15 I'll probably cut. 16...yeah, I tend to use omniscient POV. If you find it unsettling or it doesn't work...then I'll try to see what I can do...

The reason I screen my comments is because I had a stalker a few years ago. Long story. Oh, and thanks again. ^_^

Re: Beta-read/comments Pt 2 anonymous July 3 2010, 19:07:56 UTC

12/17 - Remember, in the game, you have visuals, so you have the images saying that they are, in fact, cats, even though they consider themselves a subspecies of human, or whatever. However, here, we have no images, we only have your words. So if the narration refers to them as cats, but they refer to themselves as human, people are going to get confused.

You have to find the line between what is true in the game, and what the readers expect. You've chosen to stick with the plot of the game, but if you stick too closely to the game, readers are going to get confused.

So, the way I see it, you have two options. 1. State somewhere that they call themselves human, even though they are cats or 2. break away from the game on this, and just have them refer to themselves as cats. (I'd actually recommend option #2 for any strangely colored animals. Unless, it's crucial to the plot that the cats are pink...?)

Doesn't it suck when people don't keep their promises? Part 1 anonymous July 28 2010, 07:39:59 UTC

Hi, it's the Russian guy. Me is stupido. I'm very sorry for taking the time (the month, to be precise). I got very frustrated a month ago when I tried to arrange my thoughts about the first chapter of your fanfic, so I decided to give the matter some time, but later I was too nervous to return to it. I have nervous breaks about everything ( ... )

Re: Doesn't it suck when people don't keep their promises? Part 1 asellus24 July 28 2010, 19:13:06 UTC

Thank you so much for reading this! I don't know if you'll come back and look at my replies, but here they are. ^_^ If it took you a month to digest this story, I'm afraid that might be because of how wretched it was. I personally like the other story I'm writing (at the moment) better because I think it's coming out better, but eh. I've never done fantasy before, and it certainly shows.

At first, I thought you your email outright was saying that the story sucked. I wouldn't be surprised. :D

As for the comment about differentiating the cat people...well, the thing is when I went back to change it, I did think that I should at least mention that the cat-people are cat-people to begin with. But you're right about the habits, and the gradual revealing of details along the way. I did try to mention the tails moving, the fur sweating, and triangular ears flattening. But if the details were not enough here, I'll see what I can do.

Doesn't it suck, etc. Part 2 anonymous July 28 2010, 07:44:41 UTC

About breaking the suspension of disbelief. I understand that in the game no one is bothered by the - from the cat-people's point of view - horrendous appearance of the mutant/extraterrestrial creature we recognize as a Homo sapiens female. However, I reckon that if I stumbled upon an alien I wouldn't eagerly accept it as one of my own, take it to my ship and offer it medical treatment (who said it reacts well to our medicine, anyway?). Even if I suppress the urge to run away, I'd have all sorts of thoughts rushing through my mind. It might be something on the lines of: "is it sentient? If it isn't, is it feral? Is it dangerous? If it's intelligent, where are the rest of its kind? What would they do to me if I move it? Does it eat my kind? Maybe I should just leave it be," and so on. Just imagine that you saw one of the cat-people you're writing about lying in your street. What would you feel? I believe it's best to base the characters' actions and feeling on what you or people you know would feel or do in similar situations, or on ( ... )

Re: Doesn't it suck, etc. Part 2 asellus24 July 28 2010, 19:54:44 UTC

I'd expect they wouldn't be intolerant of foreigners. They're very desperate for new troops The original game scenario has the main character approach the Bloodhook, and the cats on guard say, "Oh, you've never been here before? Join our army!" And promptly make you join ( ... )

Doesn't it suck, etc. Part 3 anonymous July 28 2010, 07:46:07 UTC

By the way, who's left on the watch? I'd hardly expect the entire command to forget about their duty all of a sudden, except for the hot-headed rookie. Moreover, I don't think you often need three people in the same position in order to just lie down and collect information. If there's a good reason for all of them being there, I reckon it should be pointed out. Also, if you must have all three of them rushing to the place where the girl lies, there should be an excuse for the entire command leaving their position. For instance, maybe that intelligence duty isn't actually important. It could be some sort of dry training for the rookie or something. Oh, and if I'm already talking about this entire sequence, I can't figure out something about the command’s position. It took about three minutes to get the doctor. Does it mean the doctor was with them? Or maybe it means they were very close to the ship ( ... )

Re: Doesn't it suck, etc. Part 3 asellus24 July 28 2010, 20:07:22 UTC

There's around ninety or so troops in the Bloodhook army, more or less, and more than one brigade on guard. I guess I didn't make clear that they were at the end of their watch, and somebody had just arrived to replace them. They were heading back to the Bloodhook. I'll try to emphasize that.

About Ferris' physical appearance...I don't really know. There isn't anything extraordinary about her physical appearance, and the cat-people's she's merely different, but never a non-human. The question of sentience was never in question. So I tried to downplay anything unusual there. I guess that was the wrong tack.