If only.
I'm not sure who's writing this.
But I know it isn't me. Cause I don't even know where the fuck I am.
Or how I winded up here. Still dripping from the shower. Eyes so puffy and red it hurts to see.
Body shaking. Mind gone.
I couldn't stop crying last night. And there was just enough time between hits on the stering wheel to call him.
Tell him that I just couldn't go out.
Explain that it was not a good night for me to be in public. But I could still give him a ride.
So we drive.
Straight down the road.
Playing music way to loudly,
neither really aware that the other is slowly crumbling apart.
When I realize I have no idea where I'm going.
He says he has no idea where he's at.
So through tears and giggles I forget that there is a world outside of my car.
And in that moment all I care about is him and me. and the road.
I suggest that we just drive. See how far we can get on a quarter tank of gas.
He replies that we should go to Chicago and have breakfast.
So at 2am, with a quarter tank of gas and a mind that refuses to acknowledge what monday is
We drive to Chicago to have breakfast.
We decide at mile mark 128 that we won't cry again intil we pass the same marker on our way back.
We laugh and joke and love our way over the state line.
Insanity broke out in downtown Chicago. So many red lights. yellow lights that dont mean slow or yield but SLAM ON THE FUCKING BREAKS I AM TURNING RED. and green lights that can't be trusted.
We end up on some alien air force base.
And then I'm forced to drive under ground in tunnles.
Finally after completly losing ourselves in Chicago we find a parking place.
And a 24hr mcdonalds.
So we sit among the drunk college kids.
He eats his Big Mac and most of my Chicken Selects.
And we share secret smiles because we went to chicago.
We decided that it would be to celebrate my birthday, since he wont be here.
And to celebrate his last night free.
We walked around. Sat on a big concrete step in the park.
And eventually wound back in the car. Trying to find a back alley to sleep in.
We end up at a gas station to ask where the nearest truck stop is...apparently those dont exsist in Chicago.
We decide to sleep in the parking lot of Hampton Inn and Suites.
Before parking for the night, we stop at the Shell and as I'm about to get out of the car
I hear "bitch, what they paying you hear? 7.50? And you wanna be fucking mean? Bitch I break through this glass and cut yo mutha fucking throat wanna talk that way to me! Ima make it so you cant never talk again!"
Prompting me to tell him to get the fuck out of the parking lot.
We attempt an hour of sleep. And in the hazy fog of 7am we make another attempt at the gas station.
Only to find out that it is against the law in Chicago to sell anything other then Milk. Oil. Eggs. Gas. and Lottery Tickets on Sundays (and we thought Indiana was bad!)
We had originally planned on going back to the City in the morning.
But he just wanted to go home to his grandma's house. And curl up in the big bed next to me.
Words can't describe the next 8 hours of driving. Sleeping. Fucking. Crying. Sleeping. Driving. Smoking. Eating. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
I didn't know it was possible to love like this.
I never knew how hard it is to say goodbye.
But I know it isn't me. Cause I don't even know where the fuck I am.
Or how I winded up here. Still dripping from the shower. Eyes so puffy and red it hurts to see.
Body shaking. Mind gone.
I couldn't stop crying last night. And there was just enough time between hits on the stering wheel to call him.
Tell him that I just couldn't go out.
Explain that it was not a good night for me to be in public. But I could still give him a ride.
So we drive.
Straight down the road.
Playing music way to loudly,
neither really aware that the other is slowly crumbling apart.
When I realize I have no idea where I'm going.
He says he has no idea where he's at.
So through tears and giggles I forget that there is a world outside of my car.
And in that moment all I care about is him and me. and the road.
I suggest that we just drive. See how far we can get on a quarter tank of gas.
He replies that we should go to Chicago and have breakfast.
So at 2am, with a quarter tank of gas and a mind that refuses to acknowledge what monday is
We drive to Chicago to have breakfast.
We decide at mile mark 128 that we won't cry again intil we pass the same marker on our way back.
We laugh and joke and love our way over the state line.
Insanity broke out in downtown Chicago. So many red lights. yellow lights that dont mean slow or yield but SLAM ON THE FUCKING BREAKS I AM TURNING RED. and green lights that can't be trusted.
We end up on some alien air force base.
And then I'm forced to drive under ground in tunnles.
Finally after completly losing ourselves in Chicago we find a parking place.
And a 24hr mcdonalds.
So we sit among the drunk college kids.
He eats his Big Mac and most of my Chicken Selects.
And we share secret smiles because we went to chicago.
We decided that it would be to celebrate my birthday, since he wont be here.
And to celebrate his last night free.
We walked around. Sat on a big concrete step in the park.
And eventually wound back in the car. Trying to find a back alley to sleep in.
We end up at a gas station to ask where the nearest truck stop is...apparently those dont exsist in Chicago.
We decide to sleep in the parking lot of Hampton Inn and Suites.
Before parking for the night, we stop at the Shell and as I'm about to get out of the car
I hear "bitch, what they paying you hear? 7.50? And you wanna be fucking mean? Bitch I break through this glass and cut yo mutha fucking throat wanna talk that way to me! Ima make it so you cant never talk again!"
Prompting me to tell him to get the fuck out of the parking lot.
We attempt an hour of sleep. And in the hazy fog of 7am we make another attempt at the gas station.
Only to find out that it is against the law in Chicago to sell anything other then Milk. Oil. Eggs. Gas. and Lottery Tickets on Sundays (and we thought Indiana was bad!)
We had originally planned on going back to the City in the morning.
But he just wanted to go home to his grandma's house. And curl up in the big bed next to me.
Words can't describe the next 8 hours of driving. Sleeping. Fucking. Crying. Sleeping. Driving. Smoking. Eating. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
I didn't know it was possible to love like this.
I never knew how hard it is to say goodbye.